dedem

You may not be my ex, but you caused me as much trouble as one. And for it, I would like to ask-no, to beg you to forgive me of the wrongs I have caused. I know I was cold with you, I lied to you, and I took our friendship for granted. But when you disappeared I realized that you meant more to me than anyone else in this entire world, and for that I loved you dearly. I told you my innermost fears and thoughts that I have not nor will I ever say to someone again. You listened quietly and offered me your sage advice. You were so much younger than me, so naive, but you knew more about the world then anyone else. Tristan, I never told you how you changed me, or thanked you for giving me something to believe in again. Without even trying you managed to take me out of my hopelessness and show me that even when I gave up on humanity that there was still a shred left. I followed your every word, I don't doubt that had we continued our friendship longer I would have become like you, perhaps even looked to god again. You were truly his most loyal and prospective child, and I'm sorry for ever having tried to steer you wrong. I know what you would say if you could read this, how I'm being pathetic, but I've never spoken anything truer to you. I'm so sorry for telling you that I no longer wanted to be friends when you returned, if you could just understand that I made a very human mistake and got angry at you for leaving, which was so selfish of me. The truth is, I've changed, and I would welcome any form of words you offer. I'm so much more gentle now, emotional, caring... and it's all thanks to you. So even though we will never talk again, I am hoping in my heart that this will both lead you to forgive me, and also to lay a demon to rest, because the strain of thinking about you is slowly destroying everything I worked to build. You were the only person in the world who saw the good in me and then tried to bring it out. For that, I owe you gratitude. And for rudely being selfish, I owe you an apology. Goodbye, Tristan. Perhaps one day you and I will cross paths again, but for now I see that our relationship was never really meant to be.

Are you effing happy now? I'm gone, out of your life, another annoyance you don't have to deal with. Forget me, forget that I existed. I'm not here anymore, the girl you knew died. I've got no identity now, because of how deep you sunk your hooks into me. You got what you wanted-move on, stop talking to me. Don't text me. Stop calling. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear your excuses. It only hurts me more with every word you say. So just go, and ignore me. I'll never love again, so don't go around spreading your bs about how it's all your fault things got bad. I know it's my fault, I know how you acted around me. I should have told you to just forget it the day you yanked your hand from mine and said you didn't like holding hands in public. I should have realized by the way you looked at me that you never honestly loved me. I was a fool for saying all the things I said, how you made me happy and how I loved you more and all that. I was a fool for thinking that a cheap-A teddy bear meant you loved me at all, it just meant you were getting rid of trash. I am just another stupid girl who you played with your lies, I highly doubt that ex of yours actually cheated on you. You've ruined everything and stamped my heart in, so just get the **** out of my life. I saw the b you added to your facebook and i saw what she posted. She's hot, she's got what you want, and she's a * * * * . Go for her, I don't honestly care. You're a jerk and a looser. I hope that you die, because if you did it would be so much easier for me to forget you. I will never forgive you, but if you would kindly please just f-off I will forget you ever existed.

I still am in love with you, but I'm wearing my mask. Yes, you'll see me grin and smile in your presence. I refuse to cry or break down in front of you. You won't have that satisfaction. Know that I am truly hurting deeply on the inside, I went to school like a zombie. All my friends gathered round, but because I'm so emotionally withdrawn kept their distance. Yes, you see me smiling, talking to our mutual friends at the table, and being overall just a regular girl. But what I wish so desperately to show you is the little girl who's right now crying her eyes out and refusing to eat, because you don't care. If you cared, you wouldn't have left me. 'Just friends' means 'hating your guts in a month' when you see each other daily. So I've lost hope for my future as well, and have been fighting off the urge to just end it. Again, I fell for your kind's empty promises of love and happiness when all that really was, was a coffin meant for my heart. I had just started to love again, now this? It's the reason girls like me give up all hope of every having happiness. Never again will I fall for this, fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice? And it is I who is the fool. I did NOT deserve to have you basically treat me as my old ex did, but I admit I walked straight into this one. 'Oh, babe, I love you. Oh, I'm so happy with you. You're the only one for me.' Then I let you see the girls, and it's all over with a fake promise of friendship? What kind of effing fricktard does that to a girl? You got second base, like heck you'll ever get that close again. Never again, I am DONE with men! Please, either leave me alone or come back to me, but don't play this cruel game on my emotions. I would prefer it, if you want to be this way, if you would just stay away from the table and away from me. I am a mess right now, and I desperately want you to see it, but you know what? It'll kill you more inside to think that I never cared, that I'm happy with being friends, that everything I said was a lie. I will tend to my wounds in a safe place, and hide my emotions while you suffer the loneliness you've condemned yourself to.

You're just like the rest of them, you jerk! I went back to my old ex today because of you, and at least he's willing to talk to me! You're a liar and an ***hole, I can't believe I trusted you with my heart! Never again! You can go back to playing your little games and pretending to care, if I killed myself tonight you wouldn't give a **** you big fat Fing retard! I hate you so much and you can take back your offer of friendship because as far as I'm concerned we are THROUGH, DONE WITH. You say we're not compatible and you say that we're not meant to be and all those lines, when I really know you were probably cheating on me! Everything was going fine until you walked into my life, I had gotten over ex no. 1 and was starting to be happy and then you just knock the dominos down. You want to know why I hate everyone? Because of ***wipes like you, you... god **** it I really need someone and you're not helping and neither is my old ex. So just stay out of my life until you're ready to be straight with me, douchebag! Good bye and good riddance, can't say it was a pleasure because to be honest with you, you only wanted me for the sex!

Day 11 I'm healing. I'm 99% sure that I'm not ready to talk to him yet, however... Ex sent me a card wishing me a happy birthday and that he hopes my day went well. I don't want to contact him, but I'm confused... everyone says it's the dumper who reinsates contact, not the dumpee. Sounds like to me, I'm the only one who can start up contact, he'll either contact me as a formality or just to try and be friendly. If he had his way, we'd still be talking right now. I know I'm not ready... but should I start contact? Or should I wait until he messages me once i reach that point where I'm okay with the relationship's end and just being friends? I don't want him to coldly say "Oh, you ignored me too long. Now I don't even think friends will work." However, when I reach the point where I'm over it, I shouldn't care. So i just don't know. I've been distracting myself instead of contacting him, his card made it ten times harder. I don't want to feel like he cares, I have enough trouble referring him as my boyfriend when he's my ex.

Day 10 Head against wall, wham repeatedly ](*,).That's what I feel like doing lately. i've been doing more and more things to make me laugh, talking with people, the regular "don't think about it" sort of solutions, but I can't get him out of my mind. I want to mentally boot any memory of him out the door, and break off into my own separate stream of thought again, an uninterrupted program, and a steady stream of just me. He and I, and I don't understand how we did it, would be able to think the exact same thing the other was thinking at any one point... so it's a double wham to find that he's over me already and I'm still depressed and feeling lonesome. At least my half-psychotic crazed angry lady rants in my journal relieve my stress And the smilies on this site, they make me laugh. My personal favorite, besides the hitting the head on the wall repeatedly, is this: And it is what my mind is doing, constantly. For now, I'm okay. One day without crying so far, though it wasn't the best day ever. And tomorrow is my b-day. So yay.

Day Nine Feel like life is a rut without him. Want to break down, cry, do something to win his heart back. Have been able to laugh, and stay strong in front of others... closer and more caring friends have offered support. More or less emotionally draining friends shrugged and told me to move on to the next. I learned in class that I am not the only one who lost a boyfriend and love over vacation. Friends, even an on off enemy has gone through nearly the same thing as me, with a little variation into the reason why. It just seems that this time of year is the time to dump what you don't love, I suppose. Was thinking about him and sad during boring classes. Have been spacing out, not hearing or saying things clearly. When I lapse back into my 'numb' stage, I become that woman people are scared of, I say things bluntly and honestly. At the moment i'm neither numb nor sad, just tired from said emotionally draining friends. Today was the hardest day in my opinion. After this I can go to class and not feel as sad that I won't feel his encouragement and love to get me through the day. Of course, there will be rough days where I can't vent to him, but I have this site now. I'll use it as it is intended. 21 more days before I will reevaluate my feelings. Dreading it and wishing it'd come. I both want and don't want to be friends. How confusing.

I need you. I can't make it through the day without you. I'm scared and alone and just wanting to beg you to come back, to say you love me, to say it'll be okay. I can't bear their criticism right now without bursting into tears. I know today will be the hardest, going back to class and all. But it makes it ten thousand times harder knowing you're gone. Please, if you have any care for me at all, post something, anything saying that it'll be okay, that my day will go okay. You say you'll be there for me when I've gotten over you... be there for me now. I need someone and you just don't understand... everyone hates me. i hate me. You're the only one who loved me, saw me for me, and pulled me from a depression just like this one. I may be ugly as heck, and needy, but that's just who I am and if I hear anyone at class tell me so I swear I won't even live through today. I'll just jump from the third floor stairway and hope i hit my head going down and die instantly. I can't do it please, just come back... I miss you so much and I need you to contact me, even if it's to say that I can do it, that I'm not worthless and friendless and fat and ugly.

Oh why won't you love me... I know it's useless to pine and moan and groan but I simply cannot bear this... everything reminds me of you. Everything. You want to remain friends, all those dumb**** excuses on why it wouldn't work... how can you care for me and hurt me in this way. All I ever wanted was to be loved in return... you threw it back at me. And now, the weak person I am, tripped on your profile and saw you online the site you swore you'd never return to. Are you pulling some other girl along, telling her she's beautiful and how much you love her, while I sit here and cry? You said you don't want to return to meebo. Fine, whatever, no clue why you wouldn't besides the rant that probably made you cry. But what's with the "if" we ever talk again? My last response to you was a definite, you just need to give me space... and what's this WHEN you get a new boyfriend. Sure, you'll probably feel nothing, you don't give a flying crap. But WHEN? It's an if at best. I'm so sick of men like you... I fall in love, foolishly believe everything you tell me, and then find out you never really loved me, just found me out to be a friend. You took me in while i was weak, grieving because of some other boy who I also should have known better, he was gay and would never love me either. Then to do this.. after I told you how hard it is for me to trust, let alone love. I should have never accepted the invite, never gotten to know you, and I'd be much happier now. I'd be better off without you, at least I'd be over gay boy. You want my happiness? BS with a side of F you. You want YOUR happiness, and because i'm too ugly, too neurotic, too demanding of a decent relationship, for you to ever be happy. I bet the real reason things went south since November is because you realized this, that pretty people like you deserve no uggos. You're so selfish, and here's a little pointer. My best friend, who i love dearly and is a better friend than you ever will be, thought you looked plain. She's honest to a fault and I almost screwed things up with her because of you. i probably have screwed things up, all i wanted to do was talk to you, and be happy. Yeah, there were too many reasons why it wouldn't work. Yeah, you wanted to stay in your precious hometown and you didn't have EVERY single freaking thing in common with me. How about giving me a real reason, please. Not one that was pulled from your arse in an attempt to justify what you've done. Was it another girl? Was it the realization that I'm ugly as heck? Don't say that breaking up with me was hard for you and that you *had* to get over it, it's been 9 FREAKING DAYS. You either are lying or never gave a crap about me. This time of day makes me cry the hardest. I always, always called you at 4:55 on the dot right after you left for work. But since you trainwrecked our relationship I guess I will never hear your voice again, never greet you with a kiss on the days you stopped by to see me. I will never look into those green eyes that reminded me so much of home and think that as long as I'm with you, I have no reason to kill myself and pray I find home. But you are a false home, a false paradise who betrayed and tricked me into believing I was meant for here... and the saddest fact is, I wouldn't be happy even if home existed, because no guy there would want to even so much as look at me without fear and loathing and hatred. I'm the ugly stepsister, witch and evil woman who slayed a thousand men in stories, I will NEVER be happy if fate has anything to do with it. I'm seriously contemplating killing myself at this time, I just can't do it every day, knowing that whispered rumor is true, knowing that everyone DOES hate me, knowing that my life is a pathetic empty shell. I hope at least you do realize that you will NEVER find a girl who's exactly like you. Otherwise I weep for my gender, how could they sink so low? And even if you do find someone just like you, didn't you originally say you were "glad we were different" and that it wouldn't work out if your fear was real and I was just like you? And sitting around at the computer all day isn't going to get you squat either. I'm sorry I helped you with anything, scum like you don't deserve it... you deserved nothing I gave you out of love. I hope you flunk out of college. I hope you never find true love or happiness. I hope you see that without me, you're nothing-jack squat, a pathetic smearing of fecal matter from the arse of a real man. You broke my trust, my heart, and everything. So what else am I supposed to do but hate you for making me feel this pain?

Day 7 Having a little bit of an easier time. I still get sad when I think of him. But if I keep myself focused on something else, it'll fade. As of right now my favorite movie is on, a movie that DOESN'T bring to mind him, he'd hate it for the sappiness of it. I keep doing things he hates, eventually i'll be able to do the things that bring to mind him, but not yet. I thought of resuming contact today. I couldn't, the pain alone told me I wasn't ready, that I'd do something that would potentially jeopardize any hope of anything. He may want to be friends and says he cares, but would a caring person cause me this much pain? The answer, I fear, is yes. If the relationship just wasn't meant to be then there would be no point to furthering it, and it'd hurt worse as time went on. He could very easily become one of those guys who simply walks out, no excuse except something incredibly lame. It seems however that he's gotten over it, that he's fine with letting me go. I don't understand this, but I won't ask him about it. I won't contact him until after 30 days. I am still on the fence about being friends or resuming contact. I don't even know if he'll respond back when I talk to him next. I hope by then it's a "I gave it a shot, oh well" and not an obsessing over it until I drive myself insane. Giving advice and taking it on this site is helping me. I'm not bursting into tears upon coming here to post. Perhaps i am simply numb again, or numbing myself to the feeling of hurt. Grief has always been short to me, however I desperately wish I had a guy to take my mind and heart completely off of him. Trouble is, I do care for him. But I need to make it so I don't, so that I don't care if he's with some other girl, or flushes his life down the toilet. Because friendship isn't love, and as a friend I need to let him make his own decisions. And if he says he made a mistake and wants me back, I know what my answer will be regardless of the hurt I feel. It has to be a no. I cannot let him do this to me again and string me along. So no matter what, his breaking up with me ended all hope of love between us. Doesn't change the fact that I REALLY wish I had a new boyfriend, even if it'll be a rebound.

Day 6 God, this is painful. Yeah, over my vacation I did fine. I watched a lot of TV and read, doing both took the pain away. But the whole time I spent hoping he'd contact via home phone and say he made a mistake, that he did love me. I was a fool. Now I'm upset again because there's nothing. I expected as much, I asked for space and I got it, i guess. I've started eating again, but not as much as it used to be. It's a start. I keep going over and over about how it just would never work, and I still cry. I see all these people in what appears to be happy relationships, and I get sad. I keep telling myself, would I want him back after all this hurt and pain? The answer is the same, an I don't know. It's taking all my strength not to dial him and beg him to love me, even if it's a lie. Sometimes we are less unhappy in being deceived by those we love, than in being undeceived by them.-Francois La Rochefoucauld, Maximus. But this sinking feeling in my heart proves it, it was never meant to be, it just was a fairy tale spun to create false happiness where there was none, that I got caught up in before realizing he was only creating a story. I will never get my happy ending, at least not with him, and it's time to wake up and smell the coffee before I let myself become bitter.

Happy friggin' new year. I was hoping a week ago to spend last night with you, drinking and eating cream puffs, but no. You had to conveniently break my heart before having to, I suppose, suffer through another night with me. I did drink last night. I did have fun, and managed to laugh at the TV I was watching, and dulled my pain a bit. I still cannot look at or eat anything you liked, though I can eat small meals. And this pain in my chest I'm hoping will kill me, but you wouldn't know about it anyway. Tomorrow if I live I'm going to battle my hair and finally brush it out, but it's not like you'll think it's beautiful and soft and all that line of BS you fed me for at least half a year. You may be hurting as much as me. You might not be. You might be having fun playing your worthless video games and trying not to wonder whether I'm thinking of you. Yes, I'm thinking of you. And it's hurting me far more than you may ever know. I was hoping over my vacation that you would contact me, tell me you made a mistake, and beg for forgiveness. I see that I should never have started hoping, and I know what I would have said. You hurt me, and never loved me. So why should I put my trust in you? You're the one who fought for my love, who was crying and saying how I never would came around. I came around, and you threw my love back in my face once you realized it didn't suit you. I wonder if we really are so different, I would have done the same to you the second you started showing who you really were to me. You're a jerk, plain and simple, who puts his own happiness first and to heck with everyone else. You'd even lie to convince yourself you're happy. Let me ask you this, are you happy now that you've destroyed me? And don't say it'll make me happiest in the end, DO I LOOK HAPPY? I'm crying daily, or trying not to cry, and my life is a complete mess, thanks to you. I wonder if you'll even bother to respond back if I start talking again. But I do know one thing. I will not throw myself at your feet and beg for you to love me. I hate you for making me this weak, for ruining my happiness. I know I said I wouldn't hate you, but I guess I was wrong. So happy freakin' new year, and thanks for causing me this pain.

Why did you bother with me... why did you lie to yourself, did you ever realize that it would hurt me more? Did you ever think of me? You tried hard to get my love. You broke me, my heart... and then you say that I "have to go on"? Your last reply to me was more hurtful then helpful... you lied to me in order to get my love. Now your whole mind has changed and I just don't know what to do... you hurt me too badly this time. You KNEW how hard it was for me to trust, to put my love, heart and soul into anyone. To crush me like this... you didn't really care did you. And then to go on to say you only want my happiness and that this is the best way to make both of us happy in the long run... only YOU are going to benefit from this. Because it's so easy for Mr. I Don't Care to forget his feelings and think rationally. Maybe I should have left you the MOMENT i realized you thought way more than you had to. You can take your promises, your ****ing gifts to me, and just get out of my life. I won't forget you. I will never like you. I don't know if we can be friends ever. So stop saying goodbye. Stop saying anything at all. Just leave me alone before you actually do cause me to commit suicide, in my manic-depressive state I almost did and you were VERY lucky my friends snapped me out of it. You're right, we're not alike. I wouldn't hurt someone like this under a false pretense of helping them. So goodbye Mr. Thinker. Goodbye and good luck finding someone to replace me because you damn sure ****ed everything else up.

Day 1 I will try. I've already told him that I will be taking a month to myself. And since I know it's cheating to get e-mails from another site stating whether he replied... I've blacklisted the site from my email. I will see nothing from him. Hear nothing from him. Say nothing to him. Then when the 30 days are up... I will need all the help this site can give over whether or not to resume contact, because he does want to be friends and was begging me to forgive him. However i understand that someone like him could easily be saying stuff, he may never respond to me again after the thirty days. As for background... he and me split up four days ago. I'm entering my "numb" stage of grief. It comes and goes at random, so I take the time now to focus and think things through. His reasoning for dumping me is that it just wasn't going to work, we were just too different in his eyes. He also had no clue what love really was, so he got mixed up when he started having feelings, which he said were likely friendship feelings. His promise was null, and he knew it, but lied to me in an effort to make things alright, to feel love for me. At the moment the thought of speaking to him without getting my daily I love you and inability to call him kitty man sickens me. However I'm hoping after 30 days I will get used to the idea that he just does not love me as any more than a friend, and love him as only a friend. Though that may take much, much longer. I am going away to a place where I will have zero internet connection, for three days. Am fighting back tears at the realization that I will not be able to call him like I used to when I went down there, like i promised to a few days before the breakup. I'm assuming that our no talking over the holidays brought on his one, major flaw-he thought way too much, and was just too logical. I may have been willing to die for him, but he was the kind of person who would save himself before thinking of even me. I hope he goes gay, like he feared he would. It would make it so much easier for me to be friends with him (been there done that with the falling in love with a gay guy, now I'm numb to the hurt of him taking a man as a partner, but a girl makes me want to die).

I sit alone and watch the clock Trying to collect my thoughts All I think about is you... I never have the things to say To make it all just go away It all just goes straight back to you.. This has to be the millionth time I've posted. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been crying like crazy and nothing works. I got no sleep tonight. None. I just want my kitty man back... all these empty promises, all this hurt... why the heck did you do this to me? How could you do this to me? I don't know if I'll ever heal from this. I need you and I'd do anything for you. I'd forget this just please love me again. You say you love me as a friend... you don't love me. You never cared, you never gave a damn if I was sad or happy or any of it. You didn't bother trying to make it work. You said you did, but you only lied to my face and then just couldn't do it. If you cared for me at all, why couldn't you do it? Am I too ugly, too depressed, just not meant for you? I can't be like this every minute of every day. It hurts too bad... how could you say I was your love, your everything, just to throw it all away? I guess i'll never hear you say my love again. I'll never hear you say that you love me. I will never get that day that's focused on me... I won't even have you around for my birthday. You were afraid I was gonna hurt you if things went bad. Well, I was terrified of you leaving me... and now that you've broken my trust and have, there's just not an explanation in the world that will ever heal me... I don't know what to do please kitty man come back to me... forget your pride, forget your stupid rationality... just love me...