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Irial

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About Irial

  • Birthday 03/08/1990

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  1. You've contacted me today. Just a trivial conversation for some information you thought I'd like to have. What does it mean? Does it even mean anything? I think not. I won't initiate contact either way. I'll respond to yours but I won't initiate it. I NEED to wait and see what happens, or I'll never understand. I need you to miss me, or I'll never make my point. You know I miss you and it's clear you do not miss me instead. But I need to make you miss me so that I can have some peace of mind. If you never see your life without me, you'll never see what you lost. You are happy on your own, I get that. I can be happy on my own too. But you just don't see together is BETTER. I hope by the time you know that, I will be in a better place, I won't be hurting anymore and I will be healed and happy. Happy to be whole without you. Happy that the void in my chest would be gone. I live to see that day come true. You've been my best friend of all times, you've been the best boyfriend I've had yet, but I will become the best friend I've ever had and the best lover I've ever had. I hope someday, when things will be different, we will meet again. We will meet in peace and happiness and enjoy some time together. No hurt, no sadness, no regrets. Just me and you, having fun. I know you don't love me anymore. I hope you someday will see that you do love me and that you made a great mistake.
  2. Day 4 NC.. I won't be breaking NC, today either. Just gotta keep telling myself that. It is perfectly reasonable that if you want me back or care about me, it is not ME who should approach you. I can't change how you feel, I can change myself for the best and live my life to the fullest. If you come back to me, that will be a plus. If not, well, that's a real pity but I'll survive. You are but a tiny dot in this huge universe and I am sure there is so much to learn that I won't even have time to think about you later on, once I've moved on a bit more. I think you are not contacting me because you are trying to give me time to heal, which I haven't asked for but I have still gone NC (although not officially, I am in fact not contacting you). I think even if you were doing this for me, if you missed me a lot and wanted to be friends a lot, you'd talk to me even to know how I'm doing. And that thought will keep me from breaking NC at least for the next month or so. Chances are, you WILL think about me at least a few times during the holidays. I was supposed to be there with you, after all. We've spent new year together for the past 3 years (as a couple, 5 if you include friends time!), so it's a thing we simply share. If you manage to forget me, I suppose you didn't care about me to begin with. Forgetting me is actually not possible unless you are senile, so I don't really mean THAT. I just mean that you probably will not be thinking of me most of the time. But that you are able to not think about me EVER, that'd be weird. It'd hurt me to see it happen, BUT if that's what you need to 1) realize you want me back 2) be happy in your life, I am glad to accept it. Even if you never want me back, I just wish you cared about me. Genuinely. When you left me, you said you do care about me and you love me in a way. But right now, you are not attempting to contact me, and I know that's for the best so far. I just wish you gave a sign that you do care about me as a person. We could be the greatest friends out there if we just gave it a try, but I need to heal for a while now. After this, I am sure we could be great. I don't want or need a boyfriend right now, not even you. I would just be happy to know that a person I like a lot is part of my life still, and on good terms. You have not disappeared, I have plenty of ways to contact you. But I just won't do it, because it's your turn to show you care. I know I've repeated the same things all over again a bunch of times, but this is what I'd tell you if we could speak. Probably I wouldn't, I'd act like all is great and have fun. But inside, if I had to be honest, I'd think all this. If I didn't think it was absolutely wrong to tell you, I'd tell you word by word. Not that I love you, not that I miss you, simply that I wish you were here and part of my life. I had ANOTHER dream about you, and I wonder when that will stop coming to haunt me. I hate dreams of reconciliation and I have had 3 so far. They crush me when I wake up, and I HATE it. I am trying to keep myself on the right track for recovery, but if those damn dreams keep on giving me these bad feelings that's all harder than it could be. I know you aren't dreaming about me, that is okay. Love you, miss you. Wish I had been able to do something to fix this before it was too late.
  3. Day 3 of NC. I miss you as always. Long days out are the worst, especially when there's a lot of free time in-between classes. I hate being out of my house when I have all that time to deal with and nothing to do there. I finally took my physics exam, can you believe it? I was so afraid of doing it, and I was sure I would fail, but guess what? I got 25/30. That's above 8! I did great. I can't believe I did so well, myself. I answered to all the questions the right way, and I didn't make a fool out of myself. I'm really not that bad after all. I wish you asked me about my day, I wish you wanted to know all this. I wish you wanted to know all of me and what is going on for me, but I know you don't. I wish everything was different and I truly feel like breaking the NC just to say hi and chat, but I won't do it. I know that'd be wrong, because I have to wait for YOU to break NC, if you care to talk to me, or it'll just make everything worse for me. You say you want to figure out if you really want me, I think I'm not sticking around for that. We can be friends later on, when things have calmed down, but I think that's all I can say for now. I know you'll never want me back, even though I hear all these people saying their ex wants them back and contacted them and whatnot. It's just not happening for me. It's a real pity it isn't, because now I have so much more to share and to offer, and I bet you do too. You did miss out on a lot, by deciding not to give us another chance, and I did too. Unfortunately I never had a choice. I got a nice haircut, I'm sure you'd love it. But yeah, I doubt you'd care to see it as things are now. I'm sure if you met me you couldn't bear to stay away from me and tell me what you told me just through IMs, because you care about me. All I can do is give myself time, and hope this pain leaves me. I hope you will want to talk to me again, I really do. You were my best friend.. I miss you a whole lot.
  4. The end of day 2 of NC is coming, and I feel ok. I still keep on wondering if you will ever contact me again yourself, if you will ever miss me. I wonder if you even think about me. Many say yes, you of course do, but I don't believe them. I know you and I know how good you are at being distracted. I feel I will just be another box in your attic, a few memories kept there, like your two previous girlfriends. I will be put on their same level when they were just so much worse than I was, to you. They both somewhat cheated on you and they were mean * * * * * es, while I was always nice and I was honest and fair. I so didn't deserve this. In a way, I am doing things I wouldn't have done otherwise, so I am somewhat glad about myself. However, I didn't deserve all this pain either way. I still find myself hoping that one of these days you realize what you lost, and what you just threw away as if it meant nothing. After all it must have meant nothing to you by now, or you wouldn't have done this to us. It takes so long to build a relationship like the one we had, it takes courage and effort. We had it all, and you threw it away. I think you just don't care. And I'm sure your friend is there telling you that you did good, while he's just faking when he talks to me. We had it all, and it was just not enough for you. You need a girlfriend who agrees with you about everything in life, basically your twin. One who always acts the way you would, one who always thinks the way you would. Otherwise you'll just throw her away like you did with me. With your previous girls, when we were just friends, I saw the reasons to break up right there. With me, though, I don't see it. You ruined our friendship of years, our relationship, and your very image to my eyes. Here I see flashes of our first months together and I can't imagine this was the end of something so special. You were the end of it. I miss you. I can't believe you did this to us. I don't think I can forgive you for doing it, although I can pretend that I have or just stop caring about it. You missed out on so much we could have, and that's damn shame. I just hope you realize that, later in life maybe. I miss you a lot. All of you.
  5. Today is the first day my real NC policy is supposed to start. I just wanted to leave you with some kind of pleasant closure yesterday, so that you might realize all is good between us even though we didn't work out. Truth is, I don't feel all is good at all, but I wanted you to feel as if you don't have to worry about me or things. You broke up with me because you didn't feel "right" about us, and you admitted afterwards that you don't feel that you are in love with me anymore. I wish we had talked this through when it started, instead of being deceived for who knows how long and never getting a chance to put the pieces back together. Instead you went on and just pretended all was good, even the very evening before we broke up. You made me buy a ticket to spend Christmas together, you ordered me presents and bought things for me the day BEFORE you broke up with me. It was all so sudden I have had a terrible time adjusting to it. I know you screwed up with this, you showed you can't handle your feelings or mine, and that you were not a good partner after all. You were a good partner, until you decided to ruin it all by not being honest with me and then leading me on till one day I actually forced you to spit it out, out of the blue. How could you do this to me? I don't really know the answer to that. I do know deep inside you did it just because you were incapable of handling the situation but really.. isn't losing you bad enough? Do you even have to add money loss and all the damn expectations that YOU caused me to have? I asked you to give us another (last) chance, so that we wouldn't just trash 4 years together, but you wouldn't give it. I know I should be angry and hate you, but I can't. I don't hate you, I love you. I am in love with you still, and I am working on getting over you, but you will ALWAYS have a place in my heart. Every night I dream the most painful things, you coming back to me and saying you want me back, you holding me, you saying you love me and that it was all a mistake. What a fool my mind is. Just causing me more pain. I feel the best thing that could happen to me, the one thing I could be thankful endlessly, would be you realizing that you shouldn't have let me go. That you should have said yes, and given me another chance. That you miss me like hell. But I know you don't even miss me, how can you? You said you're not in love with me anymore. You said you'd be looking if you wanted to be with me for real, and I wish you hadn't said it. It was just to please me, no doubt, and now that will hurt just that much more for that much longer. Your name is everywhere, your voice, your face. I miss you so much. I'd do anything to have you back, but there is nothing to be done. So I am telling my heart to let you go, and I hope it listens soon. I don't know if I should send you a christmas card, but I think maybe it's best if I don't. I won't contact you again unless you do. I am feeling miserable and a loser, even though I discovered now there's just much more to life than I thought. I love you, and I will love you forever. You will never find anybody who loves you like I do, and I am certain of this. My love will fade and then it will become just a memory in my heart, but it will never disappear. I am so sorry you did this to us, I am so sorry you wanted to destroy what we had built in so much time. You made a mistake, and I wish you could see it..I really wish so. It'd be the best thing that could happen, ever. Goodbye Will, contact me if you wish to have anything to do with me, otherwise I'll understand. I never hurt you, and you failed me. You failed us. Our relationship could have been fairy tale-like. Especially now that I understood so much more of what was going on. Such a pity.
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