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piruru

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  • Birthday 12/22/1988

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  1. N, I had a dream about you last night. I bumped into you at an event. You were married. Married to a beautiful, smart, driven, bubbly girl. A girl who is everything that I am not. Everything that I couldn't provide to you. Everything that I suck at -- she was great at it. You married her really early on into the relationship too. I guess you were sure of something about her that you were never sure of about me. You were awkward with me, still. She was really friendly though. I knew you were happy, and she too, was so happy with you. You guys were right for each other. At this point, I couldn't bear the pain anymore and excused myself and ran for ages. Then I woke up. What I realised was that you can find happiness in another person. That if you really loved me, you would not hesitate to marry me. That I wouldn't want to be with someone who was wishy-washy about marrying me too. I'd want to be with someone who was sure of and wanted to be with me for the rest of their lives, not because they were forced into it. I know that you can find happiness. And if you can't find it with anybody else, then I am always here. If we're right for one another, you will come back to me. But if not, then I will be happy for you when you find happiness. It is not fair to expect you to stay just because of the baby. Why should I get in the way of your happiness? You deserve to be happy. And quite frankly, I will be okay. The baby and I will be happy together. I will you well, my love. I love you.
  2. N, I am trying so hard to hate you so that I can move on with my life but I just can't do it. I can't hate you. I hate the things you did, I hate the things you said but I cannot bring myself to hate you. Even after you killed me with your words. I don't hate you. I think this means I really do love you, and not in a selfish infatuated way. I miss you so much. I just wish we could go back to where we were. I may have been delusional but I thought we were happy until this baby thing. It's just so hard to bear when we still live together like this. It's hard for me to pretend that I don't care. How do you manage to not care and be so cold? Please teach me. I miss hearing about your day, your worries, concerns, things about you. I miss watching movies with you. I miss sitting in the car grabbing take away food with you. I miss going to the gym with you. I miss hanging up your clothes and tidying up your things. I miss your hugs. I miss you.
  3. Day 6 NC is hard to do when you live together, but I've done the best I can. I've taken up the spare bedroom and avoided him at all costs. He, too, has been avoiding me, but he still leaves the light on when I come home late. Weird. And he still uses the things I gave him, eats things that I've bought and uses my computer. He hasn't made any moves to move out. Today I feel really weak. Foolishly, I feel myself wanting to reach out again. But then I think of all the nasty things he said to me and it gives me the strength to carry on. I can't give in to a man who says such hurtful things to me. I want to work things out, but this time I'm only going to give in if comes back on his hands and knees and shows remorse for what he has done. Even if we get back together, i will never forget his words. I have been way too forgiving thus far, to the point where i am ashamed at how much i let him walk all over me. I deserve much better than the treatment he gave me and if he doesn't shape up then he really has no right to have anything to do with me and my baby anymore. I don't want to but can manage fine without him. And with the psychological issues he has, maybe it is better without. I prove to myself how much stronger I've become everyday.
  4. Dear N, How about this for a quality conversation: F*** YOU. Love, P.
  5. 14 days NC (3 months post-BU) I broke NC two weeks ago when I saw him on the street. He was jerk just like he'd always been. The nice person I fell in love with was just an act. Realised that he was a complete waste of time so decided not to dwell on him anymore. He's just not worth it. I would be too happy if I never see him again, even in the afterlife. He doesn't deserve to have anything to do with me. Then I decided to go on dates with the new guy. At first I only wanted to go on dates to feel good about myself, but at some point I realised that the new guy was amazing. At some point, my heart beat a little faster around him and I felt something electric between us. He was so amazing to me that I was prepared to risk getting hurt to get into a relationship with someone again. He is everything the other guy wasn't. He treats me the way I should be treated. He appreciates me and makes me feel amazing and loved. And, for the first time ever, I feel myself seeing a future with him. I see him as more than just a boyfriend. It scares me a little that he makes me see these kinds of things for us, but at the same time, it excites me. I feel a connection with this guy that I've never felt with anyone else before. I'm thankful that I met the ex and that he dumped me. Without those experiences, I wouldn't have known how to treasure an amazing nice guy like my current guy. I wouldn't have been able to appreciate all the little things that he does for me that really mean so much. I wouldn't have been able to tell that he respected me, cherished me and cared for me deeply. I wouldn't have known how lucky I am at all. Where the ex was superficial, my current guy is of substance. Where the ex didn't want to be a part of my life, my current guy makes efforts to be in my life. Where the ex only wanted to be around when everything was happy, my current guy is prepared to work through it. And where the ex only wanted to pass the time with me, my current guy sees me as something more. Where the ex only thought about himself, my current guy is always thinking how I feel about things. Even sexually... my current guy aims to please whilst the ex never gave a damn. I wasn't expecting this but I think I may have found exactly what I was looking for all this time. So to all those in NC who think it's the end of the world because you were dumped. Think again. This may truly be the best thing that happened to you. At the very least, you now know what not to look for in a relationship. They broke up with you for a reason, and when you finally take off the rose-coloured glasses, you'll realise why. They probably did you a favour. You deserve much better than you probably realise.
  6. I hated you. So much that I can't even feel anymore. I cried so hard that now I can't cry anymore. I got angry but now I can't stay angry anymore. How can you be so cruel with a smiling face? If you're going to be a jerk to me just do it all the way. I do hate you still. I think I always will. After all the humiliation you've put me through... A part of me still wants to know you. The worst part of this is that the last image I will ever have of you is that you were smiling. You are cruel.
  7. I was in NC for 50 something days. I lost count already. I don't really consider it back to square one though... I am a lot better now than I was when I first began NC around Christmas. Despite my crappy feelings over the past month, my life is heading in the direction that I want it to. I guess NC isn't really a big deal for me now... it's just that I feel quite horrible to him and it's not sitting well with me. I don't want to get back together anymore. I can see now that it is impossible, and probably isn't even what I really want. I want to see him in person one last time to settle things since our breakup was quite horrible. Just to be on good terms with him. I can't really explain it. Is this bad?
  8. Day 1 of NC (again) He never replied to my Facebook message, yet I am guessing that he must have checked his email yesterday. This is okay. I will give him a week or so, in case he doesn't check his email, then I will give him a call. I fully intend to apologise and clear the air between us once and for all... to make things right. I don't think I should try to get back together with him anymore though... I was horrible person! I did some pretty awful things that if I was on the receiving end, I would never have put up with. It sounds ridiculous to admit, but he probably was too good to deserve that kind of awful treatment from me. It's so easy to point the finger and say he was a jerk all along, but the truth is he wasn't a jerk. I just made him out to be. I was the jerk who kept painting him out to be a jerk, so that they themselves wouldn't look like a jerk. I finally understand what I did to mess things up in our relationship and why I was dumped. No one ever tells you how much of a relief it is when you can pinpoint a reason why you were dumped. If you know where you went wrong, then you won't let the same mistake happen in your future relationships, right? It feels like a just rolled a giant boulder off my chest. I can breathe easy now! Finally, I think I can let go. I just want a chance to see him again so I can fully convey my emotions. How sorry I am, how rude and disrespectful I was towards him. Is it wrong to want forgiveness after all of this? Maybe I'm being selfish again. Possibly the best thing I could do for him is to leave him alone. I feel so sorry. I don't regret it because at the time, I didn't know it was wrong so I couldn't possibly have done otherwise but now? I just want to say sorry. I don't think he'll ever be able to understand how sorry I am though. Sometimes it's like that. You make a mistake and you ruin a relationship for life. C'est la vie. I can let go now.
  9. I finally know where I went wrong. I am so sorry. Please let me apologise to you in person. I understand if you will never take me back, just please allow me this one time to make things right between us.
  10. How could you leave me for a girl like that? Make me feel like poop for a girl like that? I can't believe you. I thought you were a man of taste. All this time I was deluding myself that ou knew what you were doing, that you must have left me for a girl much better than I am. Why does it pain me so much that when I look at her, all I feel is how much better I am than her. Why her? If you're going to dump me, at least make the whole thing worth my misery. Instead she's completely unattractive and uncharismatic. She's a bore...she's unremarkable in EVERY sense. You wouldn't have given her a second look if you hadn't broken up with me. Why are you doing this??? What's wrong with you??! WHY?!?! How could you do this to me?!!? I can't believe it. Now I remember why she gave me that strange look when I first met her. She has always wanted you, she just never got the chance. Thanks to me, now she got her chance. You're a cheap man. You disgust me. I want the both of you to rot in hell. Good luck and be happy, you jerk. PS: why are you posting photos of her on your page? She looks awful and makes you look like crap. How come you never posted photos of me on your page? I spent seven months with you. She has only been with you for three months. Does she mean THAT much to you? God, you are disgusting. What does she have that I don't? What can she do for you that I cannot? I can do ALL of those things, can't you see that???! You better reply to my message. I am way too good for you and yet I keep putting up with it for you. You better take whatever chance you've got to keep me because that fug tramp that is your girlfriend has gotten so far beyond her means in getting you that she will never, ever let you go from her clutches. Beware. I warned you. When she has you completely, she will be ten times worse than I ever was. I can read it on her face. You're lucky if you can ever get out of there alive.
  11. Day 50-something Just when I thought I was doing so good, I went onto his stupid social networking page again. I see pictures of his girlfriend. I just know that it's her. She's not very attractive and I may have seen her once or twice before. What else? Signs that he's moving out of this town. He's leaving. I don't know what to do. I look like I'm okay on the outside, that I'm holding up well and everything but internally? I'm a freaking mess. A freaking mess. I thought I could do without him, that I don't miss him at all. His anything. I thought I didn't care about him anymore. But why did my world just shatter once more upon seeing all of those things? Why did these tears just start to fall? WHY CAN'T I JUST MOVE ON LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE? WHY THE HELL AM I STILL HANGING ONTO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE ME? I can feel the depression taking over me, all over again. Damn. I have to keep pushing on, keep moving on. Keep improving my life and being positive about my life WITHOUT him. PS: I broke NC today via Facebook, so I am starting NIC again. We'll see what happens.
  12. What is that "I miss you" and that depressing love song supposed to mean? I was doing so well... So well until I read that. You must know that I check your page occasionally. Why'd you post something like that? It's probably not about me but you obviously did that without any concern for my wellbeing whatsoever. Being cryptic? You had to know that it would mess me up. Yet you do it anyway. If there was any tiny shred of possibility that you were referring to me, then why the heck don't you swallow your pride and talk to me? See, the reality is that I am just not important enough to you that you would ever stoop to contacting someone you've dumped ever again. This is why I know that it is not about me. I can't believe how much of an ahole you really are. You cheating b-tard. I see you so clearly now. Wow. I was so blind. For real, please be happy. At least then I can comfort myself knowing that I've made someone happy... Even if I am having to suffer to achieve it.
  13. Why won't you leave me alone? You're gone but your ghost still lingers. And to you? I don't mean a goddamned thing. Not a goddamned thing. Be happy. Because even though I'm feeling all this pain and emptiness, that is the least you could reward me with. Be genuinely happy... Then everything will have been worth it.
  14. Day 40-something. All is good. I'm still getting on with my life. Recovering from illness, studying, pursuing my interests and bettering myself. NC gets easier as it goes on. It's actually a scary thought for me to contact my ex now... I'm terrified of getting rejected again. Or worse, ignored!! D: I think I may have to cross the line eventually if I ever want to talk to him again though. I've realised that if I still have these feelings about wanting to connect with him after all this time, I should probably do something about it at some point. I could possibly regret it if I don't. I'm at a strange point in my healing where I am okay with not getting back together with him. I realise that I can have a relationship with other men. In fact, I think it could be better for me. My heart still wants what it wants though. If I let it pass, I would probably get over him for good. The guy I was sort of dating has gone interstate for a while so I won't be seeing him for month. At the moment, I don't have anyone else to "date" so I've started thinking about the ex more and more. On top of that, I succumbed to temptation and visited his social networking site. Lo and behold, the ex has updated his profile with a depressive heartbroken breakup song in the background. His status also said something like "I miss you so much." This is messing me up. What am I supposed to think now? If he was talking about his girlfriend, then they see each other so often that he does not need to post things like that. They even work together, for God's sake. On the other hand, he and his girlfriend are probably friends on there. If it wasn't talking about his girlfriend, then wouldn't she be upset about it? Hmm. I'm going to drive myself crazy if I keep thinking about it. I think I'm almost there with my healing. I feel completely myself again but I just have some longing. It's possible that the only thing that will help me now is either getting in a relationship with the ex again or getting into a relationship with somebody new.
  15. Day 41 I'm so tired. My heart is so tired. My body and mind are too exhausted to continue this any further. I think I'm finally going to give up on reconciliation or any kind of friendship with the ex. I can't deal with this pain anymore. I have to pretend like he never existed and that my life is better without him. I think I am finally in the position where I can wish him the utmost happiness. I just don't want anything to do with him anymore. I want to wash my hands free. I'm beat. (I spent all last night ruminating about the ex and reading about the rebound relationship on ENA. There's just no hope anymore. I am being a fool by hanging onto this false hope.) Action plan once I get better from illness: 1. Gym & yoga -- not to look good, but to get fitter 2. Focus on studies 3. Take up an extracurricular activity to fill up my time... painting lessons/guitar lessons/learning a language... whatever. 4. Go for walks everyday or spend at least an hour outside of the house once a day 5. Pamper myself -- beauty treatments, new clothes, haircut, doing my makeup more often to feel pretty 6. Practise meditation 7. Do things that I enjoy... by myself 8. Catch up and hang out with friends more often and go to places that the ex and I used to go to make new memories 9. Make plans and set goals for my future. Go through with them all. 10. Work on improving things within myself that I feel insecure and unhappy about. 11. Start dating!!! Expected start date: 07/02/2011 Let's go!
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