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Robin2904

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About Robin2904

  • Birthday January 7

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  1. The shallows I got dragged to see it with friends lol it was surprisingly good, a modern approach to a movie like Jaws I'd say wait for it to hit demand and watch at home though
  2. The Martian Great movie! It's pretty long (2 and a half hours) but worth it, very well done 9/10 highly recommend!
  3. I haven't posted on here in eons. You've been on my mind a bit lately, not too surprised since I'm going through a funk in other areas of my life and that almost always stirs up old emotions about you for me, no matter how much times has passed. Sure you crossed my mind a bit, I even had a brief, yet forgettable dream about you the other night. Anyway...I've been listening to Adele a but lately- I admit here new album also does stir emotions in my that have to do with you. Mainly the song when we were young- because it deals with nostalgia which was always hard for me in looking back on memories of us. I was listening to some of her other songs though- I listened to a song called 'Can't let go' and wow...I felt something that surprised me. It was...nothing. The song is beautiful, and totally moving and amazing because well it IS Adele...and had I listened to this a year ago I would have been crying, a few years ago and I'd be a mess on the floor sobbing...but today? I listened to it and though 'wow the Robin of a few years ago could relate to this song so much' but not the Robin of today. Because I do think I've finally let go. And it actually made me smile while I was listening to it- this powerful emotional song where she's declaring her inability to let go- it made me smile because I think on some level it made me realize how much I actually have. I will definitely always listen to songs like that and think back on how they could relate to me at a very emotional raw painful time in my life, and they will always get me in the feels because of having gone through that pain and felt it in the past- but it's comforting to know I don't feel like THAT now about you. Smiling to an Adele song is certainly a major accomplished for me!
  4. Jesus Christ. I'm lying in bed unable to sleep for the most ridiculous reason ever. I'm so embarrassed so even write this here but I need to vent. I had a weird cry spell a few minutes ago...it's been SO long since I cried like that thinking of you. I think I'm mostly over you, or past you any way. I realize you're not a great person, I realize you treated me pretty badly over the years, even as a so called friend. I realize all those things. But yet I'm lying in bad...and I get w wiff of the T Shirt I'm wearing to bed...I just did laundry the other day and I used Tide. I should have known this would be a problem. The smell of Tide deterrent...it's SO SO SO silly but it reminds me of you. Being at your house, the smell of our clothes. The smell of YOU. It's literally like its years ago and I'm lying in your arms and I smell you. I haven't used Tide detergent in years and now I never ever will again. It's so frigfin INSANE how a smell can drive a memory so heavily that it can bring you back to a moment in time and Just make you lose your crap! It's like the more I smell myself the more I think of you. This is crazy. And currently all my clothes smell like Tide. Screw this so hard! I can't believe the smell of a friggin laundry detergent just made me ball my eyes out!
  5. Some times i'm just left alone with my thoughts for too long and i'm left to think all these things...like how I still feel things for you after all this time. The other night the air smelled so distinctively like a New England Summer night and my stomach kind of fell because it brought me back to all that time ago and all the nights I spend at your house so long ago those hot days and cool nights, the smell of the air. It was a long while ago and still I find myself wistfully reminiscing upon those days kind of wishing I could get a do over. I was young, naive and fooling to be quite honest. Even though those times weren't all roses and cupcakes something in me will always draw back on them in a wistful way...but its also funny how time can make you forget how unhappy you were and how nostolgia can be a dirty rotten liar when looking back on memories. I'm sure theres the makings of a good country song in there somewhere... I just wonder to myself why in the world I get so fixated on you and the past and memories that are so far gone now. I guess its because to me they will always be something special even though I honestly don't know why. Because you've proven time and time again that they weren't special to you and that I didn't mean nearly as much to you as you did to me. It hurts yeah but I know in my heart its the truth. As much as I tried to kid myself for a good long while and almost convinced myself it was the case- that I held a special place in your heart, that I was some big long of your life....the truth of the matter is that isn't true. I was just some girl you dated far too long ago. Just some ex on your long list of exes. I guess writing that and reading that back is like 'ouch' to me but it's true. I think my problem is I always wonder what if. What could have been 'if' granted there are so many ifs in that equation. If I never broke up with you waaaay back when the very first time, if we would have really gotten back together that Summer, if when we reconnected the following year if we REALLY would have given it another go....if you really loved me enough to give it another go. But I guess again the truth of it is you didn't...and you don't. I honestly don't know why I even wonder these things anymore since we are on two totally different planes of existence. I think I'll always question your sexuality after the last time we spoke and that's something that will kind of always bother me. That whole last time was absolutly awful in general so I shouldn't even give a crap about you one way or another anymore. Not after how selfish and awful you were to lead me on- again- but this was probably the worst time, there was nothing good about it at all. Seeing you was the most awkward its ever been. I think I just need to realize you're a different person now. I think I'm just left with this nagging awful feeling like what about me wasn't good enough for you? Why wasn't I ever good enough for you? All I ever did was try to be there for you in so many ways hoping that you would fall in love with me again and want to give things another try...so things could go back to how they used to. So you could look at me the way you did when we were together all that time ago. And you never did and it broke me over the years. Its my own fault really. My self esteem has been pretty low all these years because of being repeatedly rejected by you. I could have a line of men telling me how great I am but it was like if it wasn't YOU it didn't matter. The messed up thing about it is I think just knowing you still wanted me would be enough for me. I don't even know if its me wanting to be with you at this point but more knowing you wanted to be with me. I know that's twisted...its the rejection part that's had me messed up. Because you were the only person who's ever really loved me... I don't know why I'm even still beating a dead horse just some nights my mind goes back like it has the past few. And I spent the last few months extremly hurt and upset over you. After what happened well I was pretty crushed and then I met someone and got into somewhat of an online relationship for a few months which I have to say distracted me. I didn't think of you nearly as much, but that fizzled or should I say I regained my sanity...then I had to deal with my mom's illness and that was my main focus for the last 2 months and that's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Now that she's doing somewhat better...there it is. My mind is back on you. Back where it always goes when I don't have a distraction. And seeing you on POF a few weeks ago kind of threw me, you were definitely the last person I expected to see on there. I'm thinking I looked dumb for sending you a message but I think it was important for me to let you know hey look I'm not still upset...even if I am. And you saying idk in reference to what I said...WHY am I reading so much into that? WHY do I over analyze everything with you always?? Its so frustrating! And going to your city next month is going to be so interesting. I have never been there without going to see you, never taken the bus into that station and not had you waiting for me...just going to bring a lot of memories for me. But I'm going to see my friend who I'm happy to have reconnected with who has nothing to do with you. I'm excited to have the weekend away but nervous as hell for the nostalgia to hit me. I've thought about texting you and saying I'm gonna be there and then I think that's the dumbest idea ever because well it IS the dumbest idea ever. What good will that do? 10 to 1 you'll be like 'Oh okay cool enjoy' like what else are you going to say after how we left things? Like how much more clear do you have to make it to me that you don't want to be with me? I'm so dumb. I know theoretically I'll never run into you there so its not like I need to explain that...but like this small sick part of me almost wants to run into you. Its whatever...not going think about this any more tonight, been enough mind musing for one night.
  6. Gotta admit seeing your name on my list of people who recently viewed my POF page the other night was just like...what? Was a weird moment. Never thought id run into you on there of all places. It left me feeling some type of way. I'm not sure why. I guess seeing that you were looking for someone, I don't kno it was just weird. And then the 'I'm sorry' Really though? You're not sorry for any of it, I don't believe you are. You say sorry just for show, its not real. I guess just because that was what you thought you were suppose to say. I honestly should have asked you 'Why are you sorry?' just to see what you would say...i'm curious, do you even know WHY you were fake apologizing? I highly doubt it. I highly doubt you will EVER grasp the gravity of how sorry you should be, or how much of a jerk you've been to me over the years, or JUST how badly you've really truly hurt me. Took the high road though 'Its all good, no hard feelings' biggest lie ever in the history of lies. But that is the way to handle it, I wanted to make sure you never saw how bad you messed me up again and so you think I'm over it. I don't want to give you the satisfaction of thinking you have any type of hold on me anymore. And you won't...I guess it just threw me off my game for a short minutes because POF was the last place I thought I'd see you, but look like you deleted your account 2 days after that...weird. What ever bye and good riddance!
  7. I haven't been in this thread in so So long....I just need to vent and really have no other source to do so. Where do I begin. It's been almost a year since I last saw you which is so crazy to say...jumping ahead to this week. I just have so many feelings right now and don't even know how to put them into words. My life is a mess in some ways but its FINALLY starting to come together. My career is finally going somewhere and I don't want this crap and my mind being on you to screw that up! I'm starting work tomorrow for NBC. Its so surreal and I'm SO SO excited. Talking to you the other ways was different. But I'm glad I didn't trust in it because looks like I was right not to. First of all, so many feelings on you telling me about your previous sexual experiences, I don't even have time to get into this now nor do I want to. But that actually really hurt. Like WHY would you think that telling your ex that was cool? I'm questioning so much. SO much. But at the same time you tell me you still miss me, love me, want me back in your life. I just...what? I was a lot calmer and less phased by it as I usually would be. I do still love you, but I almost felt like saying those things to you saying I loved you too and wanted you back in my life was a big...un genuine? I don't know. Like it didn't feel real to me. This is all so odd. But I said I'll go with it, and told you not to do a 180 on me. But knew you would. And yea feel you will. Its just so messed up.... jfjfdgjjoekfrwjowjwejqjokdkdibvfogor
  8. I hate myself right now. I texted you. Its been 3 months and I texted you. I knew it was coming, since Thanksgiving I've been fighting the urge. Just FML.
  9. I just logged into an old Photobucket account I haven't been on in a while looking for something else and stumbled accross old videos I made for you when we were first getting together. Its been exactly 4 years- December 2009. Wow...just wow. I can't even believe its been that long. I of course tortured myself and spent the last 45 minutes watching them and now I feel like utter crap. I admit I cried. I was so in love with you it's ridiculous. I look at that girl and all I see is wide eyed naivety. Part of me wishes I could go back in time 4 years ago and stop myself from actually going to see you at the end of that month. Tell myself what a huge mistake I would be making. Worn myself about all the ways you wind up hurting me, messing with my head, my emotions. Basically tell myself that my very first instinct was right about you- that you really are just a player who needs attention to feed their ego from every tons of different girls- how you really ARE that person when all is said and done. But then I think...I don't know if I would have listened anyway. I could have had future me right in front of her telling her all the ways you were wrong, how much you would kill me, rip me in two, break my heart and soul....and yet the sick part? I was so in love with you at that point already I would have done it all anyway. Reminds me of the Trisha Yearwood song 'I would have loved you anyway' - its exactly right. And its sad to think that, I mean I like to think I wouldn't, that I would have enough sense to not do it, to not hurt myself...but I know I wouldn't have. And you know what? I mean whats even sadder? If a genie offered me the chance to go back now to that time and do it all over again, and have everything go exactly the same as it did...as much as I know how much it hurt I probably would still do it. Because that feeling was the best I ever felt. Its so sad...so so SO sad and twisted and messed up, but I have been chasing and yerning for that feeling for 4 years now. Each time I have tried to find it in you, and while I think we got close a few times, it was never 'that' feeling. I need to realize that. THAT feeling isn't YOU....it was the feeling of my first love. When I miss you its not you I miss...its THAT feeling. But in my heart the two will forever be linked. I can't break the connection as much as I try. God please stop me from reaching out to you, I feel it in my bones I am really close and it scares me a lot because I am almost certain it will hurt me. I am almost positive it will be a negative experience. But I am almost to the point where I know that and don't care. Its because THAT feeling is still looming in my rear view and I miss it so desperately much that I am almost willing to through myself into the fire to somehwat kind of possibly, almost feel 5% of that again for a minute. WHAT the HELL is wrong with me and my thinking?????
  10. I really just can't stop thinking about you lately and its driving me crazy. I've written out a text to you several times and keep deleting it. I'm really nervous that some time soon I will fail to stop myself. The potential rejection I'll feel is the only thing holding me back from it. Sad but true. If you brush me off or come off cold I'll feel really hurt and rejected. I don't ever want to have a repeat of March where I got really emotional, found out you had a new girlfriend and looked like a psycho telling you how much I still cared about you. I can't go through that again, especially by the holidays. But I can't stop thinking of last Christmas time I had you in my life...kind of. I really thought we could work on things for a split second back then. I just really think I'm going to give in and text you eventually and that really scares me because I can't go through all that all over again.
  11. I was reading old posts on here earlier that I wrote a few years ago- when we first broke up. I realize how much I had to say to you, I wrote paragraphs and paragraphs. These days I realize I just don't have that much to say to you. I mean granted there are still things I have to say or I wouldn't be on here in this thread, but its not like it was then. Its not as wordy. Its not fueled by the same intensity. I can't even explain it. Its almost to the point where it just IS now. I have thoughts to say to you, I come here to voice them occasionally (though lately its been more then usual) but before I was in this thread 24/7 sometimes posting 4 or 5 times a day. And posting these long winded intense, angry fueled posts. Or these long sad hopelessly wistful posts. I do have those down and out moments sometimes, or those rage filled moments, but they are fewer and way less frequent. I don't know what the point of this is, just an observation I noticed. Like it or not this thread is still like a diary to me though. My inner working thoughts, feelings and pondering- whether they make any sense at all or not- they are all here. Infact I've considered cutting and pasting all of these posts in this thread back to some of my very first, compiling them into a word document and maybe one day even having it published. I'm not sure who would read them, or if I could even bring myself to do that, but its just a passing thought. Compiling my inner most personal thoughts, publishing my diary in a way. Just something I've pondered. My emotions in some posts- especially the early ones are so very raw and intense, I almost want to share that with the world. Heck its not exactly the diary of Ann Frank, but I feel like my words could count for something to someone somewhere. Maybe. Who knows, just some random middle of the night thinking's. Oh yea, back to why I was in here in the first place...back to you. My mind has been on you so much lately. I even wrote out a text to you- a few times and deleted it. It said 'Hi X, I know this is random but you crossed my mind and was wondering how you were. Don't know if this is weird but hope you're well' Couldn't bring myself to send it. Luckily. However my reserve is wearing thin and I don't really trust myself not to send you a text before the month is over. I literally have to fight with myself not to daily. I haven't struggled like that in a long time. Not since last Winter when we first stopped seeing each other again. And I lost that war and that was when I realized you were dating someone else. To be honest that is the only thing truly stopping me. If I reach out to you and you brush me off I'm going to feel really low. Especially if its because you are dating someone else. I don't think I can take that rejection. I keep telling myself not to do it because the rejection would be bad for me. Just don't. I texted your mom for Thanksgiving as previously stated in this thread. She didn't answer me and the rejection set in fast and I felt really down for a few days. She did answer me three days later, apologizing for her delay. We texted very briefly, and I guess I wanted her to want to talk to me more. Is that sick? She did ask how I was and I told her about a few things in my life and she seemed genuinely nice to me. When I asked about her all she offered up was she was good. That didn't answer any of my curious questions about how the family is. Or how you are...yes I admit it wasn't 100 percent me being interested in her- part of it was curiosity- or should I say nosiness in wanting to know about your life. Just how you are at least. I didn't come out and ask because I didn't think that was appropriate. And then part of me thought- maybe he's happy and dating someone else- maybe that's why she didn't try to talk to me more or offer up anything else aside from 'I'm good' maybe there is someone else, maybe she has gotten close to her and she loves her and I am not even an after thought to anyone in the family anymore. And then I think to myself 'Why does this all matter?' and this was WHY I shouldn't have even reached out to your mom because these thoughts spiral and become just out of control. Then I thought for a minute in talking to your mom, inadvertently giving her my new number she would tell you, and you would have it and then maybe you would text me. Its so stupid. I'm so stupid. I feel like a nut. And I feel like my motives were in the wrong place. Don't even know where I'm going with this all. But I have a bad feeling I will wind up texting you as much as I fight, and I will feel rejected and I'll be hurt all over again. Especially for the holiday. Not the right time of year to do something to leave myself in a depression. Just don't trust my emotions lately and that's not good. I'm scared I'm going to wind up hurting myself and I know it, so why can't I stop these thoughts? I haven't told any of my friends about these thoughts because I know they are very tired of hearing about all this. I can't say I blame them, its been a really long time and the same old story time after time. So I'm putting this here in hopes that it being spelled out will stop me.
  12. I dreamed about you last night. Its driving me mad how much you're on my mind lately. Its the holidays I'm sure. I didn't think it was going to be this bad. Part of me REALLY wants to text you today, fighting with myself not to. I want to say something like 'Hi M, this is Robin. Know its random but you crossed my mind and wanted to wish you and your fam happy holidays' Literally fighting with myself not to do that. Just...no. Oh but my dream. I dreamed I internet stalked you- kinda like I did in March when I found out you had a girlfriend....and this time again the same thing. Only it was so strange, she was at least 25 years older then you, and pretty sure she was divorced. I ran accross pictures of you two together on what looked like MySpace...such an odd dream. I remember really upset. Ugh I hate dreamed like that. I wish you would get out of my mind. But I'm thinking back to last Christmas season now, how you and I reconnected right around this time last year- it was like the week after Thanksgiving. And I came up and saw you...and I really thought we would have gotten back together for Christmas. I was hopeful, and happy and really thought for a minute that was our second chance. You made me think you wanted it too, telling me you never stopped loving me, how much you missed me...all this stuff...then you got cold feet, backed away, said you weren't sure. Just like so many times before. It hurts like HELL to think of that now. How you were never 'sure' of us..of me. That's basically the last thing you said to me back in September too 'I love you, but I just don't know. I'm confused and F'ed up.' ....you either love me and want to be with me or you don't. three years later and i should get that. I'm such a messed up person because of you. And still- STILL despite it all, part of me still wants you in my life again, especially around the holidays. Just STOP...
  13. Thanks!! I did personalize it though- I said something like 'Hi X, this is Robin. I got a new number a while ago. You crossed my mind tonight and just wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you're all well.' ... so yeah no mistaking it was to her. But there are lots of reasons why she wouldn't answer, I get it. Still a little sad over it. But thank you for the reply anyway. Trying to just let it go.
  14. I was feeling vulnerable last night on Thanksgiving and kind of sad- and I texted your mom Happy Thanksgiving. I know it was dumb, and I shouldn't have, but I honestly miss her. And she never texted me back. I admit it hurt my feelings a little, but maybe it was good. Maybe now I can not miss your family. Don't think I would ever text you. I have a different number now, so I know I wouldn't get your texts. But still it hurt me a little if she saw my text and didn't say anything, not even a 'you too' there is the off chance she didn't have that number anymore, but I'm sure she does. IDK its silly to feel sad about not getting a reply, but I am. Not smart on my part, but hey at least I didn't text YOU....
  15. This was a terrible thanksgiving for me- mainly because my family is insane and spending holidays with them always makes me extremely depressed. For some reason I thought today would be different, but it wasn't. Very bad thanksgiving. I won't say the worst, because the worst was probably the year you and I broke up, but this was pretty bad. Lots of fighting, yelling and I just felt totally alone. So I'm alone at home now, sitting by myself reflecting and my mind goes to you. Not to say I wish I spend Thanksgiving with you because your family has issues too and its always something there...but you did cross my mind tonight. I did wonder how your holiday is going. How you and your family are spending it. I wonder if you're dating someone, maybe spent the day with her, brought her around your family. Who knows. But thinking about you has me more depressed. Terrible day.
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