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SemperRogue

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SemperRogue last won the day on October 24 2010

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  1. Today was not so bad. I talked to a girl and she was hinting at going out, talking about the nightlife at this one place. So I looked at her deeply then I let my eyes drift away, I was thinking of you and wondering if I'd feel guilt. The girl took it wrong and started to backpedal and soon her conversation dwindled to silence but she still stood there looking at me. Some apprehension, curiosity then almost sad resignation. I stopped it right there and asked her to tell me about the place again, it sounded fun. She smiled and got bubbly, animated again. I will pick her up on Friday, we are going to some nice restaurant she says I'll like. Her treat. I won't let her do that just as you never paid for anything, it was always my treat. I like her, she's funny and she's interesting. She digs my military background, finds it sexy and dangerous. I laugh at that because I'm not that guy anymore. She's a few years too late. I like her for one more thing, she knows about you and she knows I've come from the brink of something heinous. She knows I barely crawled back, fingernails bloody and all that. She told me she'd wait until I healed, I believe her. I don't trust yet but I believe her and she is mean enough to handle you personally if you come around. So don't. I went to the MW and got a new suit, threw in a crisp linen shirt and power tie. It was nice looking nice. I think she'll be impressed and too bad for you, I know you miss the socializing and the creative people I hung out with. They don't miss you, my only wish is that had told me what they already knew about you. I'll guilt them on that for awhile before I forgive. Goodbye. I don't care to be sad anymore. Goodbye.
  2. I get that way on occasion. No magic cure. I sometimes find days have gone by and I endure the hunger, cold, etc. Depression?? Maybe, it certaintly fits but too lazy to get a checkup. lol. Okay not so funny. Discipline if you have it. I was fortunate enough to be military and some hard bitten parents so I literally schedule myself when I hit that kind of low. Up at 5. Do this and this and that.. eat... do this..and that... drink water.. etc. Real simple but it jump starts me out of that ugly funk. Exercise helps but there have been times when I just don't feel it and just sit and watch bugs crawl by. As for studying, maybe you just ignore what you aren't comprehending. Find another method of memorizing data, getting another person's perspective might work for you.
  3. Ahhh. It's a good day. I'm doing something I love and you aren't here to taint it. I never brought you here even though you hinted at it. I guess I knew it was just for me and nobody else. Thought about you yesterday but its different now something in me changed. I don't think about what you are doing anymore and if you are thinking of me. Stupid and crazy I suppose but I KNOW you are doing just that and I'm glad -- I hope it hurts and you realize you can't treat people that way. If anything I feel bad for your boyfriend, he's probably sweet and kind and all that but he's gotta know you will cut him loose any time you feel like it. Since he's a weasel I'm sure he has already broken up with you over me and is so captivated by your beauty that NC lasts as long as you want it to. Be kind, kick him loose. I despise him but I don't like people suffering like that. I finally started unpacking boxes and guess what I found, your wedding ring. The one I was going to give you, the one you drooled over and steamed the glass on. With great satisfaction I traded that sucker for a truck ( a color in which you hate) and some misc. items for the boy. It was a good deal and we have enough to have a really good christmas. I'm glad it worked out.. for me. The category five storm that was you has passed, I don't notice the wreckage because I'm not looking back. I'm gonna be okay, I am a bit gun shy with women now but just its just temporary. I'm deadly honest with them and they seem to appreciate that. Yes, this is a really good day, I hope tomorrow brings more of the same. In fact, I'm so happy that the boy and I are gonna make shrimp fajitas and enjoy a good game of RISK afterwards. I get a kick he's so competitive as his young age. Oh yes, the icing on this day, he forgot about you and doesn't remember anything. Good luck coming back.
  4. If you went you wouldn't be able to read any more of my postings! It means something that you broadcasted for help, now go run a few miles and let us know something about you.
  5. Man, I hate this placed I'm in, just like the GODFATHER says, "just when I think I'm out.... you pull me back in!!!!" I got asked a question about YOU!!! If I loved you then why the hell wasn't I trying to contact you and be finally be happy. I had given up all thought of getting back together as so much time passed; I think of your last words and that seals it. I don't want to hear any kind of explaination I want to heal be done with you. "He makes me happy.... I deserve to be happy" "I planned this breakup for three months.." "We are gonna all live together.. I am going move in with him.. he's already gone ahead..." "I hate thinking about you... all week I just thought of you while I was with him..." "My self respect will not allow me to be with you again...." "Never contact me again... don't text me again... he's my boyfriend and he'll read it." "I just wanted to talk.. and say hi..." "I've been having a hard time... adios..." "I think .... I might be pregnant.... I'm glad you are here to talk to.. I'm glad I told you that..." I had planned to listen to you, just listen and hear your side of things when and if you decided to come back. I decided not to. I'm not a game, I took care of you... you know that. When you had nobody I was there, even though not all the time you knew I was a phone call away. Remember your stupid dog, who was there to bury it for you? Remember when your friend bailed on you at the airport, who came accross two states to get you?? It was me stupid. It was me. I don't care about the money, it just hurt me that you thought so little of me that you didn't honor your financial commitment. I didn't care if you gave me $2 bucks a payday, I would've respected you for it. I would've. Now I have these stupid feelings. Feelings of forgiveness.. of hope. I hate it. I purposely chose NC because I knew it would return the hurt more than anything I said. You need me and I know I'm in your mind and heart, I know. I despise your cowardice for not coming for me and figuring out how to talk to me and making it work. I think by now NC has convinced you my love was so real. My proof is your attempted contact this summer, the letter and phone call that I declined. I deserved this pain but you know, I paid my debt for anything you think I've done to you. It's paid plus interest. I won't come back. I won't entertain thoughts of you. I won't. I've never cut anyone loose in my life. Hell I was almost killed going back for people I didn't know. Well you are the first, I won't come back for you. I know whatever power that is has gotten the message and if that power is fair, I will have no more pain or memory of you. You will be sent on your way and maybe things will be better for you. I don't care.. I don't care.. anymore. My love was true and honest. I'm done.
  6. I miss you. I know I'm probably never gonna see that cute freckled nose wrinkle when you laugh but I miss that person. I miss the girl that brought me breakfast, just because, and rode stayed with me all day. I wish I could go back in time and relive some of those moments. Sadly I knew it would end and I really tried to remember each and every special moment. Its hard. I hate that my love came so late. Right now I'm thinking about the time we went looking for Gobernador and drove all over the damn place. Gorgeous country and all I could do was worry about time and wish I had noticed how truly happy you were just to be with me. I want to go back to Silverton and see you face glow in amazement as we came down those killer turns. It was a beautiful place and with a beautiful woman. My god. I miss you and I hope it goes away soon. Can't stand being this moody and unproductive. Seems like all I do is half-ass stuff and wonder about you. I need to be on my way again and I don't quite know how. Maybe I should swallow my pride and come find you. Nah, you are probably married by now and having a wonderful relationship with whatever his name is, weasel comes to mind. Anyway, I'm going to sleep now and I hope its a good sleep and I stop reaching out to touch your side of the bed. That really sucks.
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