Philabonia

2 years on and you still haunt my dreams. You were the subject of this last one, and yet I can barely remember how your voice sounds. I know I mean nothing to you now - just a part of your past that is better off left unvisited. But for some reason, I can't let you go entirely still. Hell, my stomach is in knots because I thought I saw you. I don't know if I miss you, or I am still upset that I got left by someone I trusted. It doesn't really matter, I guess - theres nothing I can do to change it now. Well back to sleep. Goodnite Lo

There will always be a hole in my heart, soul, & mind where "what could have been?" now resides. It used to be yours. Every memory of you clings to some anodyne hope that it wasnt made in vain. Every late night coffee I drink b/c I dont want to fall asleep and dream of you is now a consolation prize for getting over us. Every woman I love is compared to you. And yet you gave me up for something better. Funny how one loves abuse.

I have no idea what it is about you, yet you are on my mind. I wonder why you called a few days ago - I'm sure you didn't mean to, but its odd that you still have my number. 2 years - man, it was odd to see your number again. It brought back a lot of memories and emotions I had buried deep. It felt surreal. Honestly, it was the first time I'd been excited in a long, long time. I still love you, as always. Part of me will always hope that the call was intentional, though I can never be sure.

Im just not ever going to have another relationship. * * * * you and the jaded bastard you have made me into. I never deserved this. You owed me more.

I still can't feel for anyone, 2 years later. I just run through women, one after another, hoping that one will reawaken the flame I had with you. It feels like I am starting to collect them. And still, nothing. I don't care if they stay or leave - it really doesn't matter. I just still love you. I hate you so much for what you did, but I love you all the same.

i miss you a lot; it seems to happen once in a while. I find it so strange that we never spoke again after everything ended. We were such good friends at first - I cant believe its been over a year now, and we still dont speak. I hope one day that we do. I'd like to catch up, though I know it'd be painful to hear from you/see you again. I always wonder if you think of me - I think of you everyday...a couple times a day sometimes. I know you are not coming back, but I'd like to know I held meaning in your life. Moving on is hard - but forgetting is unbelievably difficult. I love you, moreso now because I see that I knew so little when you left. I wish I could show you it is otherwise now.

i found some old pics of us today. Made me miss you. I come on here to tell you things like that, bc I know its better to get them out here than ever direct them your way. You'd just say nothing, or even worse, give me some half-heart pity answer to try and placate me. I understand. Its been a long time now, and you're long gone and moved on. I have someone else too. Many, actually. But I hate that I have to tell myself to pretend that they are you, so I wont act like how I really feel - disinterested, and emotionally unavailable. I still miss you.

I had a dream about you last night...it was so vivid. I can't think correctly today. I hate the realization that you are still gone, but it was nice to spend a few moments with you in my mind.

I was thinking about my life, and the path to take from here, and I realized something. I have made a ton of mistakes in my life, but I have always rolled with the punches and made the best of my situation, until you. What happened between you and I is the only real mistake I've made that I truly, deeply regret. I regret what I put you through so much - I'm still unable to entirely forgive and forget what happened. Someday, I hope we can talk, and actually treat one another decently. I think I will always hope for that.

just an inevitable right angle in the path of life my friend; relegate the bad nights to googling depressing crap - get it out of your system, and move on with your life. Tomorrow brings another sunrise Zoey Deschenel can kiss my !?# though.

You were so much worse than Zoey Deschanel - you were my paramour, and now you are the bane of my existence. Why did you have to exist. You only ruined the good in me.

I've thought about you a lot today - I guess events like today make the old wounds seethe a little. Oh well, it will be over by tomorrow, and you will be relegated to the past once again. Things make sense when you stay where you're supposed to.

Its your birthday today - its been a year and a half since I've seen you. This time last year, I had yet to recognize that I had been made a fool of. Now, the truth no longer matters. All that's left is the reality that you are still part of the best memories I can recollect - I'm not sure what that means in the long run, but it makes me miss you at times like these. Though part of me can never forgive you for what you did, I do understand why you did it. I wonder, though, would you even recognize me today? I cant tell if I'm better or worse because of you, but I do know that the person I am has enough dignity to stay silent on your birthday, though he loves you all the same. How I wished something about the past mattered - I truly wish that I could pick up the phone and call you to wish you a happy birthday; the memory of Boston 2 years ago flashes before my eyes. But, it does not, and I know you are happy. That is the only reason I dont call. I know you have found something better, besides, you have chosen silence, and I dont want to mess that up for selfish reasons. So happy birthday Laurel - silence is my audience, but I am thinking of you. I hope you look at your phone for just an instance, and think of me. Yes, I do want to call, but no, I wont. I love you.

I have to say this – a drink didn’t drive me to write this letter; I drank to get up the nerve to write it. I have missed you every day since the last time I saw you. The longer I have lived and been with other people, the more sure I am that what we had was real. I am so sorry I pushed you away. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you, or had become unhappy with you in any way; I was simply immature and afraid of what I felt. I knew I loved you, and that I could see myself with you forever, but I just didn’t know how to react to that, at 22 years old. Instead of relating this to you, I made cruel jokes and remarks, like a little boy pushing down the girl he likes in the sandbox. Instead of making a move, I stayed stationary, letting you grow to resent me and move further and further away from me, even though you laid you head next to mine every night. I lost you because I did not have the courage to commit everything I had to you for fear of making a horrible mistake, when in reality my greatest mistake was doing nothing at all to remind you why I was worth loving. I know I’m supposed to have “moved on” with life and not feel these things, and damn how I moved in every different direction, form and fashion. Honestly, part of me is happy what happened took place; it forced to become better in a lot of ways. Still, in my heart, I always end up coming back to you. No one has ever meant as much to me as you did, and I still find myself thinking about you often. I’m happy with my life now, but I cant help but think what it would be like had I acted upon those feelings I felt all those years ago. I know it’s been a long time, and that you may be happy in whatever you’re doing now, but I have to ask you at least once to give me a chance to show you that I am such a better person than the one you left behind. I’m certain you loved me in spite of the mistakes I made, at least for a little while. So please, if you ever think of me or still have some inkling of feelings for me remaining, let me know.

I leave for Europe tomorrow - I cant believe it...I'm actually doing what we always talked about. I'm going away, to get away from this life I have been leading since you left. I still cant believe its been a year. On one hand, the wound still feels so fresh, and you dont seem that far away; on the other, you seem like you are a million miles away, and everything we had was just a dream. Was I ever really happy? Was there ever any other feeling than a sense of loss between you and I? I'm still so messed up over you. Its like ive been living on autopilot, and now this pergutory has become comfortable, and I dont want to move. It hurts to miss you, but I'm afraid to let you go. That is why I have to get away - go, and do things I never thought I would. I hope you know how sorry I am, and how much I regret what happened to us, but I cannot ruin my life forever. I have to breathe the air that comes to me, and let go of what eats away the peace I find in the good memories between us. I'm not sure what I intend to find on the other side of the world, but I hope that I can learn to recognize a good thing when I have it, and appreciate what's in front of me for once. I know you cannot read these words, but I do hope that can feel the gravity of what you meant to me all along. I'm going halfway around the world because of you - my only lasting regret is that I didnt go all the way far sooner. I guess timing truly is everything.