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Fudgie

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Fudgie last won the day on November 26 2020

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  1. I want to leave this page here and urge people to read. Written in 2011 and I still think about this post: https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/ I spent some time just now reading my "old stuff" on ENA. In some ways, I've changed a lot (I joined this site when I was in my late teens! Now I'm mid 30s) but in same ways, I haven't. Interests largely remain the same, long-term goals as well, but my perspective is radically different. Reading about the trials and tribulations of my last relationships, the struggles I went through, the things I really tried to understand or wrap my head around, the affection I felt towards these men. I can recognize the woman who wrote those lines but I don't recognize the world she hails from, the place that she describes in her words. I won't lie, there's a part of me that still wonders about that ghost ship. I want to love and be loved but also to be free in every sense of the word and to be in control. I went with what I could live with, hence I am here, 5+ years and counting singlehood. I can take the loneliness but I can't take sharing the reins in my life and I know myself well enough to know that no amount of therapy (yes, I still go) is going to change that. Either path we choose, there are things that we gain and things that we lose. I salute my ghost ship and I wonder if she feels the occasional pang I like I do and, knowing her, I know she does.
  2. Lo! How have you been?? How are the kids and the husband? Was back for a smidge, now back for another smidge! Life is good. It's busy, but good. I really have tossed myself into my career, my work. I truly didn't understand, before I went into this field, just HOW mentally and emotionally taxing this job can be. Most of my patients are very sick, chronically ill, even with many medications and taking them on time, many still have some degree of hallucinations that will never go away after years of relapses and illness. Loads of trauma, getting to hear the worst stories and then listening to patients re-live them, again and again. Some live in special housing, just for those with mental illness. Sometimes, I feel like a chew toy when I come home, internally that is. Takes me some time to wash and iron myself out again. But each day, I feel so motivated to go back in and do it again. My caseload is growing. I have developed good, therapeutic relationships with my patients, even the "difficult" ones. I work hard to do my research, keep up on pharmacology, to find them the medications that work best for them, together, so that they can feel better. It is a driving force for me and it hits upon something primal, almost spiritual, for me. This is some of the most important, gratifying work I have ever done - to work hard to do my best for my patients, to advocate for them in this s___ system we have for healthcare. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm saving the world or anything (I'm totally not) and I'm certainly not changing this awful system but if I can make my patients' lives better, more livable, more able to engage and do things that they enjoy (even if those are things that I do not enjoy!) then I am happy and damn, does it feel good. The house is going well! I have switched around my art a few times. I have filled most of the wall space. I've done a fairly good job at keeping things neat, although in my bedroom and "woman cave", I am way more lax. I finally have a good gaming PC setup, something I've always wanted for many years. Next up: I want to get a contractor to redo my tub upstairs, put in something with some jets and a warmer, it's a huge bathroom, I have the space. I want something I can slide into with a glass of wine. Recently, I installed ethernet backhaul (yes, I ran and secured the cables) - did a lot of it through the basement, securing to ceiling there, then ran it along (not in) my HVAC ducts. I walk more, listen to more audiobooks, got back into crocheting (I have some projects I'm working on), got back into some older academic interests here and there, started going back to the local library, walking of course. I really need to socialize more but it's so hard sometimes, just like coming back to my place, truly my safe space, my home. I've never felt this attached to a place before, because I have not owned property before now.
  3. How goes it with the metformin? I take 2000 mg per day myself (total, it's two doses of 1000 mg) and my labs are great, no diabetes or pre-diabetes here.
  4. I hope you are well as well, and staying warm during this cold snap. 🥶 The gastro effects usually go away for people with time, I know they did for me, but it can take a while. I take 1000 mg twice a day, once in the morning and then right before bed. Low carb is the way to go to keep the gasteo effects away when you're on metformin long time, and of course by low carb, I'm meaning more avoiding excessive simple and/or processed sugars. Love me my fruits and vegetables. I truly do feel better on it and over time, it really has helped me wean down my A1C to the 5s so I am happy. 🙂
  5. Seraphim, it's good to see you. I can't give medical advice but I just wanted to add, I am not diabetic and I have taken metformin for years. I have a hormonal disorder that gives me a 50% chance of developing Type 2 diabetes. My numbers are great (last A1C was 5.3).and through a combination of weight loss/maintaining, ok diet, and metformin (twice daily dosing), I am not only not pre-diabetic anymore, but I am in good shape. I'll never stop taking this drug, I swear by it and as do other people in my family. Invokana makes you urinate out sugar, reducing your blood sugar. Risk of yeast infection and BV, with sugary pee. No harm in taking some time to think about it.
  6. In the US, alcohol sales EXPLODED during the pandemic. As you said, people were just trying to cope. I think there was a lot of self-medication going on. My understanding is that that they still remain high. I know for me, my alcohol consumption increased during the pandemic and it remains higher than it was. I used to drink about every other week, max. Now I drink about 1-2x a week, usually only one at a time. Not unhealthy but still, makes you go "hmm". I also went up on my antidepressants during the pandemic and I don't think I will be able to go down on those. Working in healthcare (critical care) during the pandemic, while being completely physically isolated from my family/friends (I live alone) for almost a year kind of wrecked me physiologically. How I managed to lose weight I don't know. But I consider myself lucky overall.
  7. Lo, Yes, I definitely feel very snug! I still have some things I'm working on but they are coming along. 85% of my art is hung on the wall, I am fully ready for winter, HVAC is all upgraded. I am getting the last part of my roof ventilation done in a couple months and then I don't anticipate doing anything until spring next year. I hope to build my savings more. Luckily, cooling / heating this house doesn't cost much. Next year, I may try to get the stove/oven upgraded. I hate the one that came with the house and it's partially broken. I want to get a nice, solid one (bells and whistles not needed) and have it on the gas line. How is your house coming along? What are you working on now? In my job, I have a massive office all to myself (YAY). I am in the process of decorating THAT, right now all I have are my professional and academic credentials on the wall.
  8. Wow, it's been about a month since I checked in. Loving my new job and my house as well. I feel like I really have it made. I can't complain. Maybe it's part of getting older but I feel like I could just "stay" here? In terms of income, I have secured the pay I wanted for myself, with TONS of room to go up, good work/life balance. I feel that urge to settle down (not in terms of a partner) and just enjoy myself...family, hobbies, material pleasures, etc. I don't want to run the rat race and I'm okay with not striving for something higher.
  9. I see people post a lot of crazy stuff but then again, a lot of it seems to be "friends only" so maybe they are trusting that the boss won't see it, especially if they don't friend anyone that they know at work? Still risky, I know, but less so. Full disclosure, it would depend on my job. Maybe if I worked a call center type job, one in which I followed scripts and I felt like I could do it brain dead, and if having a drink wouldn't interfere, then maybe I would, sure. However, while I can do current job remotely, there's no way in hell I'd use mind altering substances because I'm taking care of patients. Risky and not right, ethically speaking.
  10. I think talking to him is a good idea, just to get his perspective. That said, I'd like to share mine. I'm a meat-eater and I hunt in a couple different seasons (deer, different kids of birds) throughout the year. I eat what I cook and I enjoy hunting. Venison is delicious - I certainly hope he ate the deer or at least gave it to a family who would enjoy it. I think it's wasteful (and wrong) to hunt for sport without eating it but that's me. When I say I "enjoy" it, as he may, I imagine he and I may view it in a similar way. I don't mean enjoy in a "oh boy I have a BLOOD LUST" way. It's more sporting and the ending for the animal is, ideally, quick and rather painless (I don't trap or use arrows). Most of hunting is walking or sitting in nature. You become one with nature and use many of your senses. Getting that animal, there is a sort of a "rush", like "whoa, I just conquered nature, apex predator!" and with that, I feeling of accomplishment...being able to handle a weapon, then be in nature, spot the prey, use the weapon effectively, and then BAM, that's it. And then you get a fresh, tasty meal (or more) out of it. I ask you to consider this: for the animal which is worse? Being raised on a farm its whole life, crammed in with other animals in poor, squalid conditions before being sent to the slaughter house and then to the grocey store? Or living in the wild, a natural lifespan with natural food and habitats, and then having its life ended very quickly, perhaps painlessly, before being processed? For me, and other hunters I know, hunting is about being part of nature and getting your meat in a way that is humane, inexpensive, healthy, and natural. There's also a lot of skill involved and it takes a LOT of patience too. I hope my perspective could shed some light on this. I do think you should talk to your friend and try to keep an open mind, knowing that you may not agree (and that's okay) but that doesn't make your friend a BAD person.
  11. catfeeder makes a good point - mania feels good, mood stabilizers / antipsychotics tend to not feel good. People on them report feeling subdued, "zombie-like", and not themselves at all. They often report feeling like their personality is just "dead" and it depresses them. Let's not even talk about the metabolic effects too, many have a lot of weight gain! Getting treatment for bipolar is necessary but also very difficult. I can't say that I would be completely compliant with treatment if I experienced what they did. I truly believe that if the side effects of the medications weren't so terrible, bipolar would be a LOT easier to treat. I'm hopeful that someday, things will improve in terms of treatment so that patients with bipolar can be treated well without feeling like a chunk of their personality is being subdued. In the meantime, it is up to your friend and what he wants to do. There may come a time where he hits "rock bottom" and decides to get treatment and deal with the bad side effects in exchange for mood and life stability. Or that day may not come. I don't know. But you have to look out for your own mental health. It is up to you if you want to leave the door open or check in sometime in the future to see if things have changed for him.
  12. Agree with others. I would duck his calls and if pressed, tell him that life is busy for you right now, you can't meet up. I have a good friend who has bipolar disorder but she is treated and is doing well. I have had to cut off a different friend in the past who become erratic and toxic. She also had bipolar but she was refusing all treatment and smoking weed, which made her worse. I cut her out of my life years ago and I have no regrets. I totally get it. Listen to you gut and let this friendship fade so it isn't a toll on you. I don't feel anything would come from being frank with him. Doesn't sound like he's in a place to hear. Time may pass, he may get help in the future, and reach out to you with an apology and such. So maybe it can be mended at that time, maybe not. But he has to get help first on his own.
  13. I was going to ask, boltnrun - did your mom think that tampons took virginity or something? Some people do actually believe that. I got my period at 11 too. I wore pads for a short bit, but soon switched to tampons. My mom was encouraging but VERY worried about toxic shock syndrome so she was always reminding me to remember to change them (I always did, never an issue, she just worried!) I have a couple more decades of periods left (blah) but now I no longer use pads or tampons. I use "soft cup" discs. They are disposable but I use one per cycle, empty/rinse as needed, and then toss. 1 box lasts me 1 year. I swear, if this company ever goes belly up, I'm going to go out and buy like 20 boxes to last me the rest of my life. I won't use anything else.
  14. I am so, so happy for you. Now he will have these resources for life! I can't imagine the huge weight that has been lifted from your shoulders.
  15. Like you, I lost my virginity in my freshman year of college. I had wanted to have sex earlier but I was terrified of getting pregnant/needing to get an abortion and I liked older guys so I waited until I was "of legal age" to find an older boyfriend and get busy. I was 18 (almost 19) and my boyfriend at the time was 33. Chubby, nerdy IT guy. Good times, glad I lost it to him in the end. I had a break from school and he from work so we basically didn't leave the bed for 3 days except to eat and use the toilet. He took his time with me and was focused on my pleasure. Sex in a car is alright if you have foldable seats in the back that go flat (my car!) but in the back of a bug? Oh man, you both must have been sore the next day.
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