bdub

I had a similar experence with my last GF. It wasn't exactly the same, there was some arguments before, but still I felt that the break up was sudden, with very little explaination as to why she felt the way she did. Almost like she was able to shut off her feelings like turning out the lights. Unfortunately, there was nothing that made me feel better. It just took a long time to heal and begin to put myself back together. But looking back, I would have definetly backed off right away. Don't be the person to initiate contact with him. It doesn't mean that you have to be unavailable, just not "needing" him, at least as far as he is aware. Back off and let your emotions catch up with reality for a couple of weeks. Best of luck. Keep your head up. bdub

Mimi, Just my thoughts on what you wrote: It takes time to get over a painful experience. Simply takes time...nothing will make it go faster...just takes time. I know from my own experience that we never heal as fast as we'd like. To your other point about forgetting him....Personally, I believe that we are mainly a collection of our experiences. Our relationships, both good and bad, have a drastic effect on who we are, and to deny the person who brought about this change would be to deny a part of ourselves. Only after a lot of heartache and pain did I come to this realization, and hopefully, with time, the pain will subside and you will see the good parts of the relationship instead of the bad parts. Good luck and happy holidays, bdub

Rysen, It sounds like you are in the right place to meet up with her. One thing that you said in particular is important. And that was you are going in with 0 expectations. Stick to that, cause its important. Best Wishes, bdub

I know you threw out the NC plan awhile ago, but it is there for a reason. The whole point of the NC rule is to allow yourself to decompress a little bit. Right now you are both so wrapped up in this thing that you can't see straight. NC gives you both time to think things through and act on your thoughts instead of your feelings. All I'm saying is I'd encourage you to take a few steps back for awhile. Let your mind clear a little, and hers aswell. It may seem like you aren't getting any clearer, but it will happen. When you know that you can deal with her with a clear head, then its time to come back to the table, but not before. Good luck bdub

Your life has been turned upside down, so of course everything will seem crazy. Like the world you knew once does not exist anymore. From your perspective right now, the world will never regain a sense of order. But when you regain your footing, you will see there is some (all be it very little) order in the world. Good luck, and keep on going. bdub

As strange as it sounds, sometimes we have to force ourselves to remember the bad parts of a relationship in order to get past it. You are more than half way there, just in realizing that she was bad for you, and that it wasn't your fault for the breakup. Now you just have to keep your head up until the pain subsides (believe me it will). She doesn't deserve you, and you just gotta keep that in mind when the heartache starts. bdub

I hear ya man. I walked away from my last breakup more than a year ago. And here I am still scratching my head about what went wrong. I guess I just haven't been with the right woman yet.... bdub

Its one of the hardest things in the world to watch another in pain. Thats what makes this site so incredible. A bunch of strangers who care enough about people they don't know to take on the burden of others' pain. I applaud all of the people on this site for helping me way back when and continuing today. Now for your question. I think the best thing you can do is let her know that you care and are there for her IF she needs you. Simply KNOWING that somebody cares and is feeling your pain is one of the most helpful feelings during a time of grief. You are like her safety net. You don't smother her by being "aggresive" with your help, but she knows that you are there if she needs you. bdub

Just about 2 months ago I had my one year since the break up anniversary. Since the break up, I've graduated college and landed myself my dream job, and I did it all without her. Back when the pain was real and intense, I didn't think this would be possible, but it is. I still think of her often, but the pain that stems from those memories is almost gone. It seems that the more I grow, the less important the piece of me that is related to her becomes. I think one day I'll wake up and think of her and say to myself "Boy, I haven't thought of her in a long time", with no painful emotion attached. I'm almost there, and all of you will get there, also. Of course our exs will always be in our thoughts, because they were, and still are, a part of us. Everybody just keep on growing and we'll be alright 8) bdub

Michael, Honestly, I wouldn't put all my cards on the table just yet. You really don't know where she stands, probably because she doesn't know where she stands yet either. She is torn between what she has now with this new guy, and what she had/still has with you. Probably in her heart she wants to be with you, but is still wary about putting herself out there like that. It sounds like there is a lot of drama right now and emotions are proabably pretty high on both sides. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably try to dissipate some of those intense feelings before you start talking about a new relationship again. The thing is that when you (or she) makes decisions during this intense emotional period, they may turn out to be the wrong decisions when the emotions wear off. Keep in mind, that feelings have a way of switching seemingly without much of a reason. I think that I'd try to be friendly with her for awhile. I'd try not to ever bring up the relationship when you talk with her. Just try to keep the conversation light and easy. Talking about this stuff right now will just leave both of you more confussed. The idea is to let the emotions settle down a little bit and then let her make her decision. You mentioned that you don't want to just be there in case her other relationship doesn't work. I've heard that statement a lot and I don't think that I completely agree with it. I mean, you should definetly not stay in a relationship where you are being treated with no respect, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. It sounds like she is being as straight forward with you as she can be, just she doesn't know where her feelings truly lie just yet. Anybody who has had a breakup with somebody who they really were in love with should be able to relate to the confussion that follows a breakup. It seems like the other person is just stringing you along, but sometimes they TRULY don't know how the feel themselves. As for my situation, I don't really know whether to make heads or tails of it. I mean, it is kinda strange to think that she could be so mad at me when there was no cheating or lying or deception on my part. Some of my friends that don't know her think that maybe she is still hurting over HER actions during the breakup and just doesn't want to bring up those guilty feelings. I find it strange that in most cases the person who was broken up with takes it harder and requires the longer healing time, but in this case it is reversed. I feel sorry for her that she doesn't know the great feeling you get from forgiving people. I guess I should just keep living like I have been. Hoping that some day we will be able to reconnect our friendship. Good luck to all of you. bdub

Mike, its nice to hear from you. Yes, our situations are different. You have had contact with your ex, where I have had none. Once, I called her to tell her that I found a book that we were looking for her dad for together, and she turned me down. That was probably a bit early after the breakup, so her rejection of that wasn't too much of a shock. I told her that I'd return it if she didn't want to give it to him, and she just said she didn't know if he had gotten it at all yet, so I should return it. I could tell she didn't really know what to say to me calling her up, so I just made like it didn't phase me and said good bye, and hung up. More recently, I sent her a link to something that I thought she would be interested in. I didn't get any response from her. That was two weeks ago, and I didn't really do it to get a response, just honestly because I thought it might be something she would be interested in. There is a trip coming up that all of our mutual friends will be going on, and there will be people there that either of us have not seen in a year or so. Her best friends will be there, and I'm planning on going also. I'm not sure if she will go, but I really don't want to have all of this conflict between us if she does go. I don't want her to feel like she can't go because I'm there, but ultimately, that is her decision, not mine. But who knows, thats in May, so things may change between now and then. I too, hate to think that she will hold a grudge forever, but from her past, I don't doubt that she may, even though I'm not sure that I did anything to warrant such anger from her. I really did try my best to be what she needed. Beyond that, any mistakes I made were simply that, mistakes. I'm just at a point where I feel comfortable enough with myself and what happened that I'd like to have a friendship with her again. It is something that we both said we wanted, but I know those feelings sometimes change, although they are still true with me. I'd rather go through the temporary anxiety and akwardness of re-establishing our friendship than to regret the loss of the friendship forever. I've never been one to hold a grudge, and I don't want start that bad habit now. Feel free to rant in this string all you want Mike and others. Its good to hear stories, doesn't matter what they are about. I appreciate the support. Best wishes to all, bdub

I see what you mean about more information about the situation surrounding the break up would be nice, unfortunately, there is not much to tell. We dated for about 16 months, and there were rough spots just like any other relationship. She was my second girlfriend, my first being a 4 year relationship through the end of high school and beginning of college. She was the one who was initially attracted to me, and she chased me around for about nine months before we finally started dating. Initially, I wasn't really ready to be in a relationship, still working on getting over the last breakup, but over time, and the fact that she was always friendly toward me, even when I didn't show any kind of response to her advances, we started dating. Honestly, it was not a fairy tale relationship, but I did lover her. And it wasn't the forced kind of love or simply a superficial kind of feeling I had for her. It grew over time until eventually I was completely in love with her. So much that I was beginning to think of marriage, when it all ended. I was in a particularly difficult year in school when we were dating, and as such, I wasn't able to work or earn any money. I was completely dependent on my parents for my financial obligations. Her education wasn't as difficult as mine (seemingly so) and so she worked and made a little bit of money while still going to school. She lived in her apartment alone (except for her dog, GOD I miss that little guy ) so we spent pretty much all of our time at her place just because we could be alone and didn't have to deal with my roommates. I stayed there every night. I felt bad about spending all my time there, but not paying rent or bills or anything, and I tried talking with her about trying to split the time a little more equally at my place since I didn't have the money to pay any of her rent, on top of what I was paying for my place. The issue was briefly discussed about me moving in with her, but I didn't think it was a good idea, since she comes from a very conservative household. And later, I found out from her that this was much more of a big deal than she lead me to believe at the time. So when summer came, I decided to move back to my parents house to save some money and get a job so I could help out a bit more this year. We were doing fine and I'd visit her whenever I had time off work. We went to her best friend's wedding in August about 4 hours away from where we are from. That trip was a bit rocky. I showed up at her place to pick her up in my comfortable driving clothes, but apparetly she thought we were going to be dressed up already. I knew we had plenty of time when we got up there before the wedding. She answered the door and the first thing she said to me was "You aren't dressed?" And sort of stormed off. I was a bit steamed at this, since I was driving her 3 hours to her friend's wedding. At the wedding, things were great. We danced, kissed, enjoyed each other's company. The ride home was a bit rough too, what are you going to talk about continuously for 4 hours? Anyway, the next weekend she broke up with me. Didn't give me any reason, just that she wanted to break up. From there its all history. She has always had a difficult time with holding grudges. Its one of the problems that I had during the relationship, that she was mad at people for so long and never really allowed them to appologize. Honestly, I hate to say it but I think that she may never forgive me and move on with a friendship, even though she said she wanted to remain friends. To some degree, it hurts that she has put me into that box, where she has seemingly decided that I'm not worth the friendship. I've never known somebody who holds grudges for so long. And I'm not really even sure what she is holding a grudge about......just the breakup in general I guess. Thanks again for reading, I know this has been long, but I haven't talked about it in awhile. bdub

I have been broken up with my ex since the end of August. It has been a difficult time, but I have managed to get along with my life (mostly). I was asked to be a groomsman for one of my friends and last night, the wedding party got together at one of the bars so we could all be aquainted. Everything went well, but then my ex showed up at the bar. I have had absolutely no contact with her for about 3 months now, and it was kind of strange to see her there. We didn't make any contact, no eye contact or anything. She was there with some people who I don't know. When they came in, they sat in an area in another room, while I was sitting at a table closer to the bar. Here is what I find odd. She kept walking by my table seemingly trying to get my attention. I just kept focusing on the conversation I was having with my friends and didn't show any sign of interest. We finished our drinks, and eventually left the bar, without any kind of contact. Now, I'm probably thinking about this way too much, but if you're reading through this forum, you probably know how it goes. I don't know what I'm trying to ask the forum for by posting this, but I'd really like to have my friendship back with her. I don't really like the idea that there is a person out there who knows me but is not interested in being friendly toward me. I guess the question is, how do people reconnect with past loved ones in a friendly manner? I'm not sure that I'd want any kind of romance with her anymore, but I do miss the friendship. I'm a bit afraid that she will not want to talk with me, that she still holds a grudge for what happened between us (I'm still not sure why we fell apart, and she broke up with me out of the blue, btw) and I'm still a bit sensitive to my feelings being hurt by her again. I know there are people out there who have had situations like this, please share your story, even if it didn't turn out well. I'd really like to get past this sort of cold war hostility that I feel in my life. Thanks in advance, bdub

jd, I had a similar experience with the difference between my first and second girlfriends. At the beginning of my second relationship, I didn't really feel any sparks between us. In fact, she chased me for about nine months before I was finally ready to date her (then she drops me like a bad habit a year later, go figure). But what I found was that my love for my second girlfriend grew to be so much more strong as I grew with her for a year. I read an article from a relationship counselor once that his opinion from years of experience was that couples whose love grew over their relationship instead of starting out with sparks were the kinds of relationships that grew into the best kind of long term, healthy, stable relationships. In terms of what you should do, I'd say keep it slow. Don't rush anything and just enjoy the company of your new sweetheart. I'm glad you found a new love. Don't throw it away because there are no sparks. Best wishes, bdub

It sounds to me like she feels guilty for what shes done in the past. I can say that it is pretty impressive to hear somebody admit when they have done something wrong as she has done, its the first step to changing yourself for the better. It really sounds like you are on the right track. You seem to be trying not to lay the guilt trip on her, and that will help both of you out. If you are able to forgive and get on with your life, it will offer the best chances for your relationship to start fresh without all the burden of dealing with the last relationship. My advice to you is to just keep the relationship friendly for awhile and try to continue making her feel comfortable around you. Best Wishes, bdub