minou

Caveman 12 thanks so much for updating. That is so awesome! Lots of happiness to you.

I feel a lightness of spirit this morning. However, it is accompanied by the feeling one day we will be together again. All I know is, I am happier this morning, though I woke up in pain. Somehow it has eased. I don't know if it's because an hour ago I decided to go to mass tomorrow, for the first time in years. Perhaps making that decision somehow helped me just turn all this over. I actually feel cheerful! That is a first for a saturday morning in ages! Have a good day.

Thanks 1guygirl for your encouraging words. I'll take them to heart. You sound like you're being really strong. That's great! Hang in there.

Bibenot, thank you for your post. He is not my exhubby. We are still married. I will not divorce him, unless he asks me to. He most certainly does deserve my love. He is an amazing person. I hope his future happiness includes me and I am not giving up hope. I am letting go outwardly for now, however. I cannot convey how much happiness we did have in our marriage. People always thought it was like we were on a constant honeymoon. That lasted 10 solid years and is very rare. We had more happiness together than many people have in a lifetime. He did not leave me behind. I threw him out twice. The first time because of some cocaine use and behaviors were getting excessive. The second, after I found signs of cheating, which probably happened while partying when I was away for a month. To me, this is forgivable. It might not be true for everyone. However, I understand his feeling hurt at the way he was just thrown out. I didn't allow him back home and regretted it later. I have absolutely no wish for anyone else. I did try dating at one point, but there is just no way for me to love again. I am still in love. We married in 1995 and my heart just won't let go. I went 3 weeks then didn't check into this NC challenge post because I started texting him again. I am going to stop now. The lack of reply is devastating. I forgive myself for trying to reach out. I forgive him for not replying. He just doesn't want me in his space right now and I am going to respect that. I am going to be strong now and count 30 days NC.

It's been 3 weeks since I contacted him. I miss him so badly with all my heart. I read the words other half on someone else's post and that's really how it feels. It's been impossible to move on. God help me.

I miss him so badly I want to be dead. Won't do anything for that to happen, but I feel guilty for the thoughts. Every time I contacted him by text in the past, I had some kind of illusion of contact; that was not real. I've been really good about not contacting him. The illusion is gone. What's left is this aching pain and longing. I always believed in God and heavenly forces, and spent an hour a day meditating. I felt abandoned when I lost what meant the most to me in this world. I'm slowly rebuilding my spiritual faith. It's the only thing that gives me peace. I'm lucky I have a really good job, my health. I miss our happiness. Why did I ever notice female perfume on the shirts he wore while I was away? I wish I had never found it. The one time in my life I acted on impulsive anger, I lost what meant the world to me. It feels so unfair. I've always been so patient and understanding. I know that's wasted energy but my mind keeps going back to that, at times. The last week I've been better at staying in the present, but it's excruciatingly empty without him. I feel pathetic. I'm grateful to have a place to express myself, without being judged.

Day 15 Managed to get out of bed yesterday. Cleaned a bit. Then I went to a Siberian Shamanic workshop. Good stuff. Really happy I kept moving on a Sunday, though it was hard to. Longing to contact him so I'm posting here instead. Dream of being with him again. Dear God, I am putting my marriage in your hands. Please help the decade of powerful love we shared stay alive in his heart.

It's been 2 weeks since I reached out to my husband, the longest since we've been apart. I'm aching to hear his voice. I didn't think V day would hit me this hard. Today I planned to clean the apartment, work out and go to a workshop this afternoon. Right now, I can't even get out of bed.

Wow. Good for you. Good luck.

To my sweetie. I've been really successful at not letting my brain go back to the past the last couple of weeks. Of course it does go there, but I don't let it dwell. It just hurts too much. so I keep the memories on the periphery. Lately when I get an image of you I put lavender all around it and try to focus on the color instead of on you. I miss you so much. I hope you are happy. This is not usually true because I've often wished things are not working out for you with this new woman and you come running back to us. I feel a little guilty for that. Today I hope you are happy and I am going to write it down to amplify that feeling while it lasts. It's absolutely hard for me to imagine that you're in love with someone else. I wish she hadn't called and told me. She must not be feeling very secure if she is reading your emails and text messages. She also said, he may not want to admit it but he's moved on. That gave me hope, that you don't want to admit it. I don't believe, in my heart, this will last with her. I bet she won't call me when it ends. I hope you do. There I go again, hoping it doesn't work out between the two of you, hoping you often compare her to me and find her lacking, hoping you think of me with love, tenderness and longing more and more over time. These are my real feelings. I can't deny them. I don't care if anyone tells me it's unhealthy after all this time. I'm lucky I've had such a powerful love in my life. Anything else pales by comparison. That's why I'm surprised you could go there. I know you had a couple of relationships before me that were more like party friends than romantic love and I wonder if that's what you have now. Truth be told, I hope so. It comforts me you've not asked for a divorce. I love still being your legal wife. Like wildflowers, my feelings are what they are. My heart has its own garden these days. I'm a very physical person and I always thought I would miss sex in my life, but oddly enough I really don't. If it's not you, I don't want anyone. First I tried a guy who actually kind of looked like you. It was great. He was a really nice person. It was also great he was still in love with his estranged wife. We spent time talking about how much we love our exes. It was sweet. We had a nice interval. I was SO happy for them when they got back together. It gave me hope. I did have sex once with another guy after that, because his guitar playing reminded me of you. Your image merged with his body and I felt so sad. I can't even pleasure myself these days, when I think of you sexually (and you are imbued in my cells) I get too sad. Where does the energy of all this emotion go, this longing for you, and constant love of you? I wonder if it is a total waste. I feel a little weird typing all this on here, some people are doing their best to go for losing hope and moving on. I tried that and it just isn't happening for me. So I've realized, for now, I'm simply more peaceful living in acceptance, with gentle hope. I have more windows of joy day to day in this acceptance, and am better able to shift out of agony when it pops in. It's as though I've learned how to apply my own inner medication, blurring the edges of the pain, making it through to the moment it's gone, remembering when it's at the very worst, this too shall pass. Hoping you come back to me one day. My phone is always open to you, along with my heart & soul. Good-bye for now, sweetie. I'm glad I'm not mailing this to you. I am respecting your space. I wonder how you would feel if you read it. I think, honestly, it would make you sad because I know in my heart you still love me. That's the last thing you told me, the second to last phone conversation. I don't believe you'll ever stop. I think you went NC because your brain told you it was for the best and you shut down your heart. I admire your ability to do that. you've always been so strong. A quality I love so much in you turns out to hurt me so much. I hope one day you find yourself weak in the face of thoughts of us and give in.

I miss you so much I can hardly stand it. Dear God, please help him heal from the last day so our 12 years of love can come back into his brain.

It hurts like hell. I am screaming out for you inside. No matter how much time goes by, the longing for you does not soften. I wake up every morning still in shock we are not together. How could you totally cold shoulder me? You told me you love me and never called again. I was willing to overcome your faults and forgive you the times you let me down and hurt me by disappearing at night with cocaine. When I was at the weakest point of my life and threw you out, you ran. You could have called me the very next day, or any other day after that and we could have worked it out. Please come back. I am grateful to have a place where I can write these thoughts uncensored. May angels of love guide our steps. May they watch over you now and lead to healthy decisions on both our parts. I am glad I am able to have all my thoughts, even when they hurt or feel crazy. They are just thoughts and will not control me. I will work out now. I will have lunch with a friend and laugh. I am thankful to God for all the happy years we had together and will not beat myself up for praying for more.

My aunt and her husband separated once for 19 months. Within a week of reconciliation, he proposed and they have been happily married for decades.

I like your advice Tired Tiger. Thanks to all who have posted here.