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holdingon

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  1. Yesterday was meant to be so good and I feel like I let you ruin it again. I hardly ever get to see her so every second was supposed to be treasured but all I did was think about you and check my phone constantly, I felt so down. She could tell I was faking it but I did try for her. Last night did help a bit though. It still hurts but it did ease my mind. I feel like I can sort of get on now, minus the pain I had last time. I did get through that so I will get through this. I just have to be strong. I'm feeling that nows the right time and that a couple of weeks from now would be too hard. I dont want to get close to her then lose you and her. But to not know her? I dont know. I have alot to think about.
  2. stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. When will I learn?
  3. Ahh I just read my old posts and its all been said before. But seriously. Go jump.
  4. A, **** you. I hate you. I tried so hard. I tried so hard to love you and put on a smile around you. But I hate you. I hate the way you have control over me. I hate that you keep coming back. I hate that im crying. I hate that you have me so confused that I dont know where to turn. I hate that I want to get away from it all. I hate that I want to end it. Honestly, yesterday, I felt was a turning point for me. It was how id felt all those months ago when you left. Like id be okay and I didnt need you. And what am i doing now? Sitting here with this pain in my chest AGAIN. Sitting here crying AGAIN. How the **** do you have so much control? I had the BEST morning with my best friend. The moment I woke up I was smiling and laughing, she is amazing. I knew you would message me but seriously? I didnt imagine you would make this so hard. Its like everytime you do this to me it cuts me deeper and deeper. These games, these disgusting, horrible mind games when you play the nice guy are so much harder than your straight out anger/hate/whatever it is for me. I have this bitter taste in my mouth and this lump in my throat, and I cant let it out. You know why? Im SCARED. Im scared to trust anyone. Why the **** did you message me. Why the **** cant you stay out of my life. You are a disgusting human being and I will never forgive you. You can beg and plead all you want, nothing is going to bring me back. You can sit on your ass with her and do whatever the **** you want. You can push everyone away and treat them like crap the rest of your life for all I care. You can do whatever you want to me, its not going to bring me back. Ive been through enough, you couldn't possibly make it worse. I know you will try and I know there's not a lot I can do about it. but i'm done. Go to hell.
  5. Why can’t I pull myself out of this relationship? Why do I keep believing you? Why do I keep falling for it? You pushed, and you pushed and you pushed to the point where I couldn’t believe that you would bother unless you were genuine. I fell for it. I put myself out there. I TRUSTED you. You make me sick. I used to think so much of you. I cant think of anyone I would have rather spent my time with in those happy months. What happened? Or were you fake the whole time and I just didn’t see it? I get such anger towards you. I can feel it in my gut and I feel as though its eating away at me, like the hatred is killing me. I guess I’m scared because there is so much tied up in you. It doesn’t just involve me anymore. It involves secrets I’ve hidden from my family, it involves my friends and my happiness. Yes, my happiness is tied up in you and our secrets. Not for long, but at the moment. I’m cutting the ties. I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do, but I’m trying not to look too far ahead. I feel that if I take this one day at a time, I will be okay. Worrying about tomorrow is going to achieve nothing. I’ll be as strong as I can and I’ll do as much as I can to make sure you never, ever get anywhere near my heart, ever again. Facebook. I feel like I build myself up to the point where I can’t wipe the smile off my face. Its like this sense of peace that I didn’t know that I would ever have. Then I go on Facebook. I don’t know why. I guess sometimes I feel as though I have to face the reality. That my life is nothing without you. That making myself so happy is delusional somehow because its nothing compared to you. Seeing your face. Seeing you with your friends. Seeing you seemingly happy. It kills me. Its such a poisonous, dead feeling. I cry. Almost every time. I need to be free of you.
  6. I literally just picked up my phone and started typing and realised how pathetic it would sound, condsidering. My heart was going so fast, if only you knew what this was doing. The fact that I have to say this in here or on paper and you will never know. I feel like I just have to keep typing. Because i cant give up. You gave up on me but i cant give up on myself. Im so tired though. These moments are such a struggle. I have to believe that it will pass, i know that, but sometimes it feels like its just meant to be. I know how stupid that sounds. Im sorry that I didnt love you the way you needed to be loved to keep us together, and im sorry i didnt make the journey easy for you. Maybe youll read this one day, i dont know. fates a weird thing. Maybe it will find its way back to you somehow. then youll know. thankyou for loving me in a way that i dont think i could ever forget. the things you taught me to carry in my life are so valuable and so important to me. im sorry that i wasnt strong enough. you never understood it then but i hope to god you do now. cause youll know. And i dont know you well enough anymore to know what will happen. but i do have faith in you, i always had faith in you, i just couldnt bring myself to face my demons. you know it would have happened with anyone. I dont want you to forget but I dont want you to carry any guilt. Its my fault, and its my responsibilty, and i take the blame 100%. they are my decisions and if you ever felt like they were a reflection of you, you were so wrong. I love you so much.
  7. Im worried. I wish that I could talk to you about it. it was tough love but i really need those words right now, i didnt realise how important they were to me. I know what you would say so im trying to follow your advice and where it would lead but im so scared. I know that its wrong. i know that it will make things so much worse than they are but you know how hard it was, i barely got through it then, with you, how am i supposed to do it without you. Its probably a good thing that im relying on myself, but at the same time i dont know that i can do it alone. You always knew the right thing to say, it felt like everything would be okay because you were there and you said you always would be. I thought I had all the time in the world to figure it out so i took my time. but it was too much for you. its too much for me. I made you my world. Now that youve gone its just me. We did it together, we got through it together, it was ours. but now its just me. and it feels too huge for one person. its overwhelming and im petrified. I like him again babe. I feel so guilty. I dont want to forget but its happening so fast all of a sudden. I went to contact him and i just couldnt do it, i dont know whats wrong with me. I know what I have to do and i know your never coming back so its stupid to feel guilty. Im glad i wrote this because i didnt realise i needed to cry. I miss you this morning. xx
  8. I don’t know what to do anymore. I gave you everything. You completely drained me. Its like you took everything you could get your hands on and ran off with it and now I feel so unbearably empty. I should have known that the pain would catch up with me eventually. I did everything I could to tell myself that I didn’t care because I couldn’t fall apart in front of them. This is really the first time I’ve actually stopped since it happened and maybe that’s why I cant avoid it anymore. There is little to distract me. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I was numb the night you left and I couldn’t think or function and they were almost beside themselves. How could I tell them. How could I put them through that. They already had so much to deal with. So started the process of denial. Denial that I was in pain and I’d lost the most important person in my life. You can’t shut that kind of emotion out without being affected by it. It was a huge mistake. They are such beautiful people, and I think our relationship took that understanding from me. In my mind they never measured up, they were never you. They loved me and they cared for me but they weren’t in your league. No-one was. I was so dependant on you. I had my life and I had friends and family and I kept myself busy but it was all to fill in time until I could be with you. That’s not living. This, what I’m doing now, isn’t living. You were so worried about what was happening to me, more worried than I was about myself. I never really thought it would get out of hand, and it didn’t. If you could only see what was happening now babe. I really thought it was something that happened to other people and I denied it every time you bought it up. But I’m worried. I know its wrong, I know enough to know that it will only make things worse. But it is so in my control. Feels good. And feels disgusting at the same time. I think sometimes I am too hard on myself. I expect myself to constantly be strong and have it together and know the answers. I go into survival mode and I feel like If show weakness or I cry then ill never stop. So when you left I picked myself up and I tried not to look back. It only took one look at that amazing little girl and I knew I'd be okay. She turns one soon. She’s so beautiful. She’s saved me so much the last couple of months, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I think I just understood. This is bigger than the break-up. Its bigger than a few hurtful words from you. This is literally pain from the beginning of 2007. I’m sorry that I couldn’t forgive you. I’m sorry that I acted like a child. I’m sorry I didn’t end it sooner. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry I ignored you. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you enough to make it work. I just had to rush outside then and I stopped for a second and actually looked at what was in front of me and I literally caught my breath. It was raining and foggy down the valley and it was so pretty. Then I remembered its something we used to talk about together, and how much it helped me through some of our worst fights. And I started crying. Why does life have to be this way. Everything reminds me of you, everything is overshadowed with your memory. I got rid of everything that was yours except for the jumper and the necklace. They’re not anywhere I can see them but I know that if I need to feel close to you I can get them out. I love you. But I hate you. I hate you for lying to me about being together forever, through everything. I hate you for this pain in my chest. I hate you for turning me into someone I despised. I hate you for taking my control. But I love you, for loving me. And I don’t want to stop loving you back, even if it comes with some sadness. Everything you said and did might not have been right for me, but I know it my heart that it was done in love. That night when he did what he did, was one of the hardest nights of my life. But I knew that you would understand. You were the first person that I ran to. You had such patience that night, you always did. I think that was a big turning point. Everything changed that night. I wasn’t a little girl anymore, and I knew that that part of my life would never be the same again. But something beautiful came out of it. This trust between us, this bond. Its still there you know, its like this invisible line that connects you to me wherever I go. Sometimes I wish I could break it and be free, sometimes I feel like its teaching me and guiding me. I know it wont be there forever so I guess I’m trying to keep it safe. Maybe that’s why I’m finding it so hard to let go. It was so special to me, I don’t want that to end. I wish I could take it with me and I wish I could leave it behind at the same time.
  9. Where do I start. It aches. I pretend like its not there. But my god it hurts. In some ways it feels exactly like that first day. Im lying on my floor. Its dusk out the window. Its so beautiful, it takes my breath away. So many of these moments I missed while I was with you. I've put I will always love you on. Cheesy right? The words are so beautiful though. Ive wanted so much to reach that place with you. I know in my heart its the only way I will ever really be happy. Ive never been one for hatred and revenge. It seems such a waste of energy to hate someone, it acheives nothing, anger acheives nothing. I love you. Its so overwhelming to feel that, and know that its true. I doubted us, I doubted you, for too long. But I know that doesnt mean that we should be together. Ive heard people say if you love each other thats all you need to stay together. That is such bull * * * * to me. It is so much more than that, and such a hard place to understand. Right now, I feel i am coming out from such a selfish place. That even last week, I would have entered into a relationship with you, based sheerly on the fact that I miss you and love you. I would have done that knowing the pain it would cause us both to visit that place again. I know now that letting go does not mean to stop loving. I think a part of me will always care. You have such a future ahead of you. You had these insecurites about your job, but I know that it will work out for you. I know it wont always be fair, I know your going to find the next year of your life probably one of the toughest you will ever face. And I wish so much that I could be there with you. But we both know I had my chance. I said and did what I felt at the time. It was cruel, and it was heartless, and it wasnt fair. But to tell you it was all okay would be to lie to you. Its all such a mess bub. I think Im getting somewhere and my thoughts contradict themselves. I just hope, beyond anything, screw my happiness, screw what I want and need and feel, I just hope you know I loved you. So deeply. Its etched in me, and I have no idea if it always will be, but it seems pretty permanent for now. Im crying. For the first time. Not just tears, im really crying. And then something happens, like right now. And I know who should be here. I know who belongs, and I know who makes that ache in my heart ache a little less, and it isnt you. I love these lyrics, theyre about growing with a child but they mean so much to me. "I realise what life is all about. Its hanging on when your heart has had enough, its giving more when you feel like giving up" Isnt that what we do? Were bruised and battered and scared, and we hold on. We survive. And we fall again. We pick ourselves up, and then again were broken. Its just life. For understanding this and a million other things I think I owe you a massive thankyou and a hug. But I guess this is all I can do for now, forever really. I wrote maybe then, then I wrote probably then I wrote forever. It is forever. Even if we talk were never going back, id never let you close to me and im sure you feel exactly the same way. Sometimes these realisations shock me but tonight its just acceptance.
  10. Also, I cant believe how much this describes how I felt. How??? How did it happen, how did it end up that way. Thank god those days are ending. But im glad someone in this world has written exactly how I felt. Now I will tell you what I've done for you Fifty thousand tears I've cried Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you And you still won't hear me, going under Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself Maybe I'll wake up for once Not tormented daily, defeated by you Just when I thought, I reached the bottom I'm dying again, I'm going under Drowning in you, I'm falling forever I've got to break through, I'm going under Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies So I don't know what's real and what's not So I don't know what's real and what's not Always confusing the thoughts in my head So I can't trust myself anymore I'm dying again, I'm going under Drowning in you, I'm falling forever I've got to break through, I'm So go on and scream Scream at me, I'm so far away I won't be broken again I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under I'm dying again, I'm going under Drowning in you, I'm falling forever I've got to break through, I'm going under Going under, I'm going under
  11. I dont want to forget. What a waste of 3 years of my life if all I do is forget you. I loved you & I loved us So what do I do? I really need some help. I know what youd say, youd remind me of everything I had and the people that loved me. So im trying to remind myself. But its so hard sometimes. Knowing that they arent you, and that noone will ever be you. Someone said once said to me that when you love someone and you lose them, they fill up this massive space inside of you, and you cant escape that. They said to put that "space" away somewhere inside you. And that as time goes on the space gets smaller and smaller. Im trying. Im trying to not forget you, but put you away. I dont think its realistic to think you will not be a part of me, you always will be and its kind of nice to accept that. Its kind of nice to know ive been touched by someone, something really beautiful. Its so much more peaceful than being filled with hatred. Writing this is making me cry, but thats okay. I havent in a while. I have a nice day planned, with my best friend. The best we can do at the moment anyway. I know that in those hours with her that i wont think about you, but youll always be there when its over. When its quiet. Im kind of excited for this year and its strange because I wish i could talk to you about it. But you not be a part of it? I just read back over this and ive realised how much things have changed. The lyrics of a song just came on as I was typing that, "I never thought it would hurt this much to be saved" I didnt. But I feel like I have been saved, in one way or another.
  12. Oh god. I want to contact you so bad. I can't believe how well I was doing, and now for some STUPID reason I feel like you might be nice to me if I did. You wouldn't! You made it so very clear. So why the hell is this thought in my head. I need to get rid of it and I dont know how. I hate you again because im so tired of feeling this rollercoaster. I need out. I need you to be gone. I need to forget. I need my life back. I need control back. But theres noone to stop the tears like you could. Im exhausted.
  13. I did something I regret last night bub. I went on her twitter. I know its none of my business, but it is my last connection to you. She is my last available connection to you. She said something that sent shivers up my spine. My heart started pounding and I couldn't stop shaking. I thought I was going to be sick. It was shock and it was jealousy. I knew the second I looked how wrong it was of me to do that. The words she wrote repeated over and over and over in my head all night. I know its wrong to assume. As I dont know you or her anymore, and I dont know the circumstances. But im really worried. I need you to be okay. And I need them to be okay too. I know that losing them would absoloutely destroy you. If what she wrote means what I think it means, which I have absoloutely no idea so this worry is probably pointless, but if thats what it means, then bubby Im sorry. If I could I would be there in an instant, you know that I would. I know we went through alot and it will never be repaired, but that is horrific. Noone should have to deal with that, especially alone. I know who would be there for you. But I also know that people aren't replaced, and that a situation like this is when we would lean on each other. I learnt my lesson, Im never going on there again. Its too hard. But I am praying for you, and praying its not true. Does letting go mean not loving you anymore? Im not sure. I guess sometimes I still do, even in the process of letting go. Bonds like that don't just disappear, for either party. I guess there will always be something there, its just something that we can't act on, its not solid enough for even the weight of a simple friendship, let alone a relationship. Thats okay. Miss you today. I hope your alright.
  14. Its scaring me to forget. Wow, I came here to vent and I really have nothing to say to you. Its all been said before. I've pined for you, ive talked about you, ive thought about you, ive cried for you, ive regretted you, ive forgiven you. Its over. Im bored when i think about you. Who would have thought? I thrived on those memories, and sometimes thrived on the intense emotion they brought. It was like loving you again. But i dont feel that intense emotion anymore so its just...boring. It serves no purpose in my life. I could laugh at how much easier the days get. So many people find themselves stuck. And im not, im moving forward. Slowly, but definitely forward. Just please, please, do not contact me. I couldnt think of anything worse for me right now.
  15. My question today is, how can I miss somebody that I don't know? This morning I asked myself what I knew about you now based on facts. And guess what. I came up with 3 things. Your name, your familes names, and where you live. Three or four months can be a long time in someones life. I don't know whether your still in your job, I don't know if your growing up and changing, I dont know anything apart from a couple of things an aqquaintance would know, and your past. But the real question is, do people change? Could we go back tomorrow and it all fall back into place because deep down our roots are still the same? Or are we shaped every day, every minute, by our circumstances and our actions. I hope it's the latter. Because I feel myself changing, I feel myself growing stronger. Im eating healthier and the weights dropping off. I compliment people. I smile more. I look after myself. Little things, but they are adding up to a bigger picture. It is not so much about you anymore. This letter was to you, and it's ended up being about me, the way it should be and will be from now on. You will never be a part of me or my decisions or my life. It's a hard thing to accept but it's so powerful when you do. I can't believe how much more I like myself. I like what I see when I look in the mirror, I like person that Im becoming, even though I know this is only the beginning of a long journey to restore what you destroyed. Not on purpose I know, but it was you in the end.
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