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clearwater

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  1. You probably hurt his feelings when you asked him not to call you. But you did exactly the right thing, exactly what you needed to do: you protected yourself. Rest assured that he got your card, and is simply respecting your request that he not contact you. He's probably saying to himself, "this is just driving her nuts, me not calling her to acknowledge this card, and she deserves it for telling me not to call." Don't let it drive you nuts. It is your choice. When you sent the card, I bet you were feeling as though it was simply a classy gesture that you were strong enough to pull off. Keep that strength!! If you contact him and ask about it, you lose. That makes it look like you were just finding an excuse to contact him again. The truth is, breakups are so emotionally wrenching that, yeah, the little things become magnified into big deals. And the fact that you're upset about this tells me that you're still emotionally entangled, whether you want to be or not. But you've taken a big step in the right direction by distancing yourself from your ex. Just keep going, and stop taking these little glances back. There's nothing there you need to see. Best wishes, Clearwater.
  2. Listen, buddy...as I see it, it's not that she doesn't have feelings for you, and it's probably not that she means to hurt you (although I'm sure her ego is feeding off of the fact that you're willing to take her back over and over). Of course her latest phone call sounded sincere, because it probably was. I think you've just become "home base" to her, a heart she can always count on coming back to after her latest romantic adventure. This is not good for you. It's unfair and it's unkind. She may never understand how good you were for her, and she may never regret losing you. She is a selfish lady, and selfish people rarely take responsibility for their mistakes. Now is the time to cut her off forever. Be strong, buddy, and I'm pulling for you.
  3. Ummm...Ironically, being gay makes it harder to come up with an insight, here. Do straight guys usually grab each others crotches? I'm guessing that it's rare, but not unheard of. Do straight guys usually grab each others crotches...with their TEETH? I'm guessing NOT. I'll tell you what, though. From a selfish perspective, I'd like to see you draw this thing out, make it last. I've always wished that I had had that kind of friendship when I was your age. You're probably thinking how much fun it would be to have sex with this guy. But it's a really amazing kind of sexual energy when you're not quite sure about your buddy, but can still be semi-sexual together (wrestling? WOO HOO)!. Trust me, it's a rare find. As you get older, you may discover that you can have sex with guys any time you want. But right now you've got something going on and it may be the only time in your life you find it.
  4. Tough one. Keep in mind that most people, at one time or another, fantasize about sexual things that they would never want to act on in real life. As a gay man, my own experience is that my first sexual feelings ever were directed towards males, and I've known on some level that I was gay ever since, even when I was young and didn't want to admit it to myself. I have a very hard time believing that any guy could be truly heterosexual with no homosexual feelings, and then one day just "become" gay. It's not like taking up a new hobby! Heck, maybe you're recognizing the beauty of the male form and discovering a side of yourself that finds it sexually stimulating. I still don't think that makes you "gay." Just perceptive.
  5. Here's the bottom line: Look the guy directly in the eye and say, "I think that you're really an attractive guy and I'm really flattered that you would want to go out with me. But you're just not my type." The trick is to be sincere. It's not hard: take a look at people around you. First, who are YOU attracted to? Second, who do you think is attractive? I'd be willing to bet they aren't exactly the same people. Everybody has certain TYPES of people they're attracted to. (Using myself as an example, I think most movie stars are attractive, but I'm attracted to very few of them. And I often find myself attracted to guys who most people wouldn't find attractive at all.) To further my point, you rarely see somebody so homely that no-one is attracted to them. It seems like there's always someone who finds them attractive. There's nothing wrong with telling somebody you don't find attractive that they ARE attractive. It's all subjective, anyway, and it hurts like hell to be told you're not attractive--you don't want to do that to anybody. Even at that, there's still a pretty good chance you're going to hurt somebody's feelings, maybe even tick them off. But that's where they have to take responsibility for their own feelings.
  6. You said it yourself--you got to serious too young--maybe not for you, but for him. But if you can take this opportunity (of not being in a relationship) to get to know yourself and to discover what you really want, you may very well find that the answer surprises you. Best wishes.
  7. I reread my post and realized that I forgot to mention one very important detail--I don't know how it works where you live, but in my state, if one parent asks for full custody, the court cannot grant partial custody . In other words, if your wife were to ask for full custody while you asked for partial custody, the only ruling the court could legally make would be to grant full custody to either you or your wife. The court would base this decision almost exclusively on who appeared to be the child's primary caregiver. Yet another good reason to talk to a lawyer.
  8. First off, let me reinterpret what your girlfriend told you, as I have some fluency in Loser-ese. She said: "My possibly homicidal ex-boyfriend, whom I am still madly and irrationally in love with, is now in prison. Although my attention has recently been drawn to him like a trout to a shiny fishing lure, I am aware that he may soon be locked up beyond my reach. I sense that I may yet need to use you, so don't go anywhere." As for your wife getting custody of your daughter, here's what you do. Spend absolutely as much time with your daughter as you can. Read to her. Feed her meals. Take her to visit relatives, to the park, to the library. Pretend it's just you and her--take responsibility for making her check-ups, dental appointments, taking her to get her hair cut, arranging child-care and dropping her off and picking her up, taking her to toddler playgroups--whatever this little girl does, you are a part of it. Chances are, your wife will welcome the help--but if she ever tries to get sole custody, you will have an excellent chance of being regarded by the court as the "primary care giver"--and custody will go to you. (I believe custody should go to you, by the way, because any parent who would use a child as a weapon against the other parent is not acting in the child's best interest.) And do talk to a lawyer before your wife wises up as to what's going on. Right now, you still have an advantage. If your wife sees a lawyer first (and he explains to her what I've outlined above) there won't be much you can do. Good luck.
  9. You are in a tough spot. I think that since you are friends with the man, you should discuss the situation with him. Assure him that you will not discuss it with anyone else--and hold to it. Do NOT tell his wife (unless you think he is putting her life in jeopardy). But he needs to know that he's not "getting away" with anything, that you--his friend--are holding him accountable for his actions. And in talking to you about his situation, not only will you gain some insight into why your friend is behaving this way, but I would think that your friend might also gain some insight into his own behaviour. And maybe by having someone to talk to, he will come to realize that the time to get out is NOW--and not after 5, 10 or 30 years of a miserable marriage.
  10. I can't believe that you haven't gotten more responses to your post. There must be tens of thousands of gay and bisexual guys out there who have been through experiences similar to yours. I'm curious about whether you've reached any sort of resolution yet. This is such a delicate situation that I don't think saying "just go for it" really is a practical answer. If he's interested, that would work out great! But if he's not, then not only do you not have him as a lover, there's a very real possibility that you will no longer have him as a friend. Of course, there is the argument that if he doesn't accept you as you are, then he wasn't much of a friend to begin with. But I am a bisexual guy who is very selective about who I tell, and I have people in my life who would certainly not be accepting of my sexuality if I were to tell them. That's my choice. What's yours? I guess if I were in your situation, I might try to steer some of our activities into situations that were more intimate, without committing to anything. For example, I live in an area with a lot of natural hotsprings--great places to get naked together, maybe find an opportunity for me to touch him--in a friendly and non-sexual way, of course--and carefully measure his reaction. Or how about an overnight trip somewhere where you'd have to share a room? There are a number of ways you could use that situation to get a feeling for where this guy's at. If you want to be a little more obvious, drag him into a video store and rent some porn. The trick is to make your friend feel comfortable enough that HE will be willing to take the risk of throwing the ball back into your court. If he is bisexual, remember that he is just as nervous about coming on to you as you are about coming on to him, so it's kind of a game of passing clues back and forth, until somebody finally says, "OK, I'm going for it." I'd sure like to hear how you're doing. Best of luck!
  11. Your relationship has been overly complicated since the very beginning. It's no wonder you have no idea what to do. I have been cheated on, and I stayed with the person. Although never in a million years would I have guessed this would happen, eventually I came to a place where I felt no desire whatsoever for this person, had no strong emotions at all. We were no more than friends, and I was simply repulsed by the idea of having sex with this person. My advice to you is that IF you intend to stay with this guy, you need to talk to a highly competent counsellor who can help you to work through this maze of emotions. I know that sounds lame, but what you're doing now is hoping that his counselling will help you to cope with your own pain and distrust--that HIS medicine will heal YOUR wounds. I think there's hope--the guy does sound a bit spineless, but there are worse faults around. I wish you the best.
  12. I think that if you go back and carefully reread your own letter, you will realize what you have to do. This man is using you. You are his homebase and security blanket. When he has an affair and you get upset, he manipulates you into staying with him, so that he can continue to have his affairs AND you, his security blanket. And what's especially insidious about his behaviour is that, as he begs for forgiveness, he probably believes every word he's saying to you--as he says them. As soon as you're out of sight, he'll be back on the prowl. Remember that he most likely loves you only for the role in his life he has assigned you. But you deserve to be loved for being you, the PERSON--not you, the security blanket. And if you decide to suffer along for another decade and a half, you'll certainly either find yourself exactly where you are now...or find yourself alone anyway. Think you feel terrible now? Wait till he "just happens" to meet that "special someone," and walks out on you. You need to leave this man now. I wish you the best.
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