Karibo

"He told his girlfriend and he went out and 'tried' different girls. He was miserable and he wanted his original girlfriend back---she did not take him back and she's dating someone else now. He is miserable without her...." This is what happened with my ex many years ago. He wanted to "experience more" so we split up and ironically he was too unconfident to try anything with other and I was the one who went out and had a whale of a time! I also realised I could do so much better than him and it took him another four years for him to get over that I wasn't coming back! In fact he text me tonight, six years later!

This is a classic case of commitment phobia from both of you. He is creating a major obstacle to keep you at a distance, whilst you say you want nothing more than a happy, intimate relationship. You clearly don't, otherwise you wouldn't be settling for these crumbs which clearly are unhappy without intimacy. You stay in this relationship because it means you don't have to commit.

Is this the same guy you have been posting about for the past two years. If so, I think you should just end it because it is obvious you are miserable and you hardly ever see him anyway, and he isnt happy either.

I've just read over this old post of mine! I did sleep with him after all and you know what? I thought to myself straight after 'oh my god! I have been reminiscing about him and wanting him so bad for a whole year and this is all i get?' Lol needless to say, I realised straight away that what i thought i was missing, all the memories id worked up to be so fantastic about him, were not at all! I realised that hell, i didn't miss the real him much at all and felt a huge anti-climax (lol) from the situation. I'm glad i did it(no pun intended) because it finally made me realise that all the 'wonderfulness' about him and what we once had, was all in my head! I certainly realised i could live without him, and that infact i definetly wanted to live without him! So I finally said Adios once and for all! That was about a year ago! Weird!

I have been dating my bf for 4 months and everytime something happens which makes me feel uncomfortable I have fantasies about ending it. I have never come to the stage where I really want to end it, but i still fantasise about the relief I'd feel if i called it off. Now, I only think I do this because I am scared of getting hurt. My ex was emotionally abusive and would cheat on me constanly to push me away and make me jealous. But But sometimes i feel I cant talk to him coz im too scared to be vulnerable or appear needy or even feel needy for that matter.at the same time it would make me push him away all the time too and I called it off so many times. The relationship i had before that lasted three years but to begin with i dumped him about 5 times! (I was only 15 at the time) but it appears I am feeling this way again with my new bf. The first month was great, we spent lots of time together and i was happy, then alot of bad things happened to his family so i understood why we saw each other less, but I find it hard when i don't see him for like 2 weeks at a time because it makes me worry that he forgets about me. Plus add on how he has loads of female friends and watches porn etc. (But i watch porn too so I know it's not reflecting his disatisfaction with me, but still when im feeling this insecure, it hurts). He is a lovely guy - perhaps the lovliest I have ever dated. I spent two and a half years healing from my ex and dates lots but was sure to choose someone good and who was right for me. Maybe this is the guy??? He has been very understanding when i mentioned this stuff to him and comforted me etc. But sometimes i feel that i cant talk to him about how i feel - i hate feeling vulnerable and i don't want to appear neey or feel needy for that matter. The last time I opened up to him i was so anxious for days afterwards. He seems insecure too because he gets worried id cheat on him when i go out with my friends because i get alot of male attention and he thinks he's ugly. Basically all these worries are exaggereated when i don't see him much and it makes me fantasise about ending it just to stop the worries and scary feeling. I realise this is natural at the start of a relationship. I'm not sure what im getting at lol, just suppose I wanna rant. I hate feeling like this, i know relationships take work, but i hate the way my emotions get soo strong when im upset, that sometimes i just wanna forget it all.

Thank you so much for the advice. Yesterday I knew he was going to his sister's party and I knew alot of his girl mates would be there and I didn't feel worried at all! I just got on with my own business and it felt great!

Thanks people. I am feeling much better today. I am realising it's just my paranoia and that worrying wouldn't help anyway - worrying would probably just cause the problems. Maybe I have just been searching for excuses to back away from the relationship because im scared. But i am definitely stopping this now becaue it is soo counter-productive.

Thank you. That is very helpful. I will definetly do that. I really don't want to look back and see that our relationship ended due to my insecurities clouding me from the truth. Thank you

Well to be honest he only showed me one picture and im not sure if he even realised id be jealous coz he said he sees her like a sister and it's true, on her myspace she had a pic of him saying 'my brother!' and we talked about it and he tried to reassure me. The other photos i saw were from his friend's myspace pages and the photos look quite old. Still, it doesn't help with my paranoia.

hiya I have been with my bf for 4 months. I was previously in an abusive relationship where i was cheated on repeatedly and my current bf was dumped for someone else. Now this means we both have trust issues. Basically he doesn't trust me when i go out without him because i get alot of male attention and he thinks he's ugly and "not good enough" for me. I find it hard to trust him when i see him with his female friends. He has been friends with them for years and is naturally a very friendly guy who is popular with everyone. He is always respectful to me, keeps his word, offers his understanding etc. I once told him i had glimpsed some photos of girls on his phone and he was insistent that he showed me and they turned out to be just commercial pics of models. He seemed really shocked that my ex cheated on me and before he found that out had told each other we'd never cheat emotionally or physically as long as we are together. How do we go about trusting each other more when we are scared of getting hurt? And why is he so flirty/friendly with his female friends (not infront of me, but from photos ive seen, which once he showed me either because he didn't realise it might look bad or because he wanted to test if i reacted to see if i do actually like him)?

Thank you. I will look into reading those!

Hiya I have been with my bf for 4 months and am having some problems with trust on both sides. Basically my ex was abusive and cheated on me and his ex left him (i think for somone else). Well, he is so lovely to me, very attentive, affectionate and open about his feelings. He seemed ecstatic when we got together because he says i'm 'gorgeous' and he doesn't consider himslef attractive at all. Well, the thing is he always seems worried when i go out with my friends and about my male friends because he knows i get alot of male attention and he's worried i'll cheat - he hasn't directly come out and said it but has text me when im out to check that i wasn't too drunk and asked me if i fancied one of my friends etc. Well, I am exactly the same as him! He has loads of female friends most of whom he knows through his sister who he is very close to. He is the kind of guy who is very popular with everyone because he is so friendly. With his sister he is very affectionate and also with his female friends - ive seen pics of him holding their hands and hugging them for the photos and it makes me worry that he has feelings for them. He once showed me a pic of him and one of his female friends which could have been interpreted more than friends, as if he wanted to test my reaction to see if i would be upset to see if i do really like him. What should I do? I don't know if i should trust him with these girls - he's known them for years. He has always made me come first over them when i have gone out with them, but then he seems too friendly in my eyes from the photos i see. Once I told him that i'd glimpsed girls photos on his phone and he was insistant that he show me them - i was like 'no i trust you' but he insisted and they turned out to be commercial photos of models. He was very understaning about it. Also he told me once that he'd never even think of another woman in the way he thinks of me as long as we are a couple. He knows how my ex treated me and he was very understanding about it and shocked when i told him he'd cheated on me. What do you think? What should I do? Thanks

So you're saying that if you really really liked a guy but you knew he was definetly shy and wasn't going to be the one to make a move, you would just completely write him off just to save your own pride, so you wouldn't have to feel any sense of insecurity by putting yourself on the line. I see that as very hypocritical - you don't want to risk your own pride, but expect other men too, and if they don't then they're not worth it?? And plus, look at all the posts by shy men who find it hard talking to and approaching women. Should these men just be ignored because they find it hard to approach women? I understand how usually a man will persue if he is interested, but i know for sure that some don't. This doesn't mean they are being manipulative or that they aren#t necessarily interested - it just means they have a hard time with it. And yes I realise that alot of women may put a man's lack of interest down to him being 'shy'.

....the woman asking the man out? There seems to be a mutual attraction between us but he seems to be intimidated by me because I am considered stunning by many men and he is shy and i think he feels a little inadequate because he's a 'nice guy' but that is what i go for, but get lots of 'bad boys' coming up to me.

Its funny how wherever I post this, all the men say "ask him out" and all the women say "He's not interested and if he was then he'd of asked you out". No wonder i'm confused about what to do! Think i might be edging towards going with the guy's advice tho. I mean everyone is human too! We can't put all men into one catagory! I know for a fact that he is shy, but yes I realise also that this does not necessarily mean he is interested and just shy. I think I'd rather take the chance than wonder tho.