Effective Fathering : Nurturing and Disciplining Children

by Child Welfare Information Gateway

(Page 2 of 3)

Nurturing Children

Nurturing by a father serves several important purposes:

• Helps fathers build close relationships with their children.
• Fosters psychological well-being and self-worth in their children.
• Provides children with a healthy model of masculinity.
• Helps protect girls from prematurely seeking the romantic and sexual attention of men.

With infants, fathers should be responsive to their babies' cries, hold and hug them often, and participate in their basic care (e.g., feeding, changing diapers). Throughout the rest of early childhood, fathers should praise their children when they behave well or accomplish something, hug and kiss their children often, and comfort them when they are sad or scared. Fathers should continue to praise adolescents, especially when they achieve significant accomplishments.

Fathers' nurturing may be less openly expressive than mothers'. In fact, one unique way that fathers nurture their children - especially toddlers and teenagers - is by remaining calm when the child is upset or acting out. Studies suggest that fathers who respond calmly when their children misbehave, get upset, or otherwise lose control have children who are more popular, boys who are less aggressive, and girls who are less negative with their friends. Fathers exercise a critical role in providing their children with a mental map of how to respond to difficult situations. This is why they have to learn the art of self-control as they interact with their children.

Disciplining Children Appropriately

The role that fathers play as disciplinarians cannot be underestimated. The way this role is understood and implemented within the individual family can have an enormous impact on how the family responds to efforts to prevent further child maltreatment.

One advantage of having two parents rather than one is that two parents can share the load of parenting. Discipline often is difficult and frustrating; hence, fathers can make raising children easier for all in the family by taking up a substantial share of child discipline. Fathers seem to be uniquely successful in disciplining boys, perhaps in part because boys are often more likely to respond to discipline by a man.

How should fathers discipline their children? First of all, a father must maintain control of his emotions, his body language, and his hands when he disciplines his children. Fathers who scream at their children, who pound tables, or who strike their children are destined to fail as disciplinarians, both because they are modeling bad behavior and because they lose their children's respect when they let their emotions take hold of them. Unfortunately, many fathers resort to these tactics out of frustration when they feel they cannot control their children, because they cannot control their anger, or because they simply do not know another way.

Since the way a father disciplines can be so important to preventing further child maltreatment in a family, Chapter 6, Fathers and Case Planning, presents a more detailed discussion on how to work with fathers on proper discipline.

Serving as a Guide to the Outside World

Another important function that fathers serve in the lives of their children is as guides to the world outside the home. When children are in preschool, fathers can best prepare their children for the outside world by engaging in vigorous, physical play and encouraging small steps in the direction of autonomy. For instance, fathers can push preschoolers to learn to dress themselves, to shake hands with house guests, and, more generally, to deal with the frustrations of daily life. As children begin school, fathers can tell their children of their own experiences in school and encourage them to study hard, teach them about money management, or teach them a sport that will help their children learn about teamwork.

Fathers of adolescents should incorporate discussions of their core beliefs and life experiences into ordinary conversations with their teens and have meals with their children on a regular basis. Fathers should also include their children in some of their work or community activities so as to give their teenaged children a taste of their lives outside the home. They also should talk to their children about peer pressure and the dangers of alcohol, drugs, early sexual activity, and violence. And fathers should take the lead in giving their adolescents a little more freedom as they grow older, so long as this freedom is coupled with the occasional word of encouragement and advice, along with consequences for abuses of that freedom. In sum, fathers need to be preparing their children for the challenges and opportunities of adulthood by gradually giving them more opportunities to act independently and to make good use of their independence.

About the Author

www.childwelfare.gov
Formerly the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information and the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, Child Welfare Information Gateway provides access to information and resources to help protect children and strengthen families. A service of the Children's Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.