Effective Fathering

by Child Welfare Information Gateway

Of course, fathers are not all the same, and being an effective father takes many different forms. It is important for any caseworker who is going to be working with fathers - in other words, every caseworker - to understand what effective fathering is. Understanding what makes for an effective father can help the caseworker work with a father around setting goals and objectives and assist both the caseworker and the father in understanding when progress has been made.

Helping men understand what an invaluable and irreplaceable role they play in the development and lives of their children can lead them to make a greater commitment and investment in their family. Indeed, Dr. Wade F. Horn, co-founder and former president of the National Fatherhood Initiative, coined the phrase "the myth of the superfluous father." By this, he was referring to the fact that too many fathers become convinced that they are simply an extra set of hands to help around the house, rather than irreplaceable to their children. Men who see themselves as simply an "extra set of hands" are not in a position to help the family prevent future child maltreatment.

The following discussion explores what makes a father effective and offers the caseworker further insight into the importance of fathers. Despite a diversity of views on fathering, research suggests seven dimensions of effective fathering:

• Fostering a positive relationship with the children's mother
• Spending time with children
• Nurturing children
• Disciplining children appropriately
• Serving as a guide to the outside world
• Protecting and providing
• Serving as a positive role model.

Fathers may not excel in all seven of these dimensions, but fathers who do well in most of them will serve their children and families well. Some of the dimensions are generic indicators of good parenting; others apply specifically to men in their role as fathers.

Fostering a Positive Relationship with the Children's Mother

As discussed before, Fathers and Their Impact on Children's Well-being, one of the most important ways that men can be good fathers is by treating the mother of their children with affection, respect, and consideration. The virtues that a father displays in his relationship with the mother of his children set an important example for the children. Children who witness affectionate, respectful, and sacrificial behavior on the part of their father are more likely to treat their own, future spouses in a similar fashion. Just as child maltreatment and domestic abuse can be passed on from one generation to the next, so can respect, caring, and kindness. These children are also more likely to be happy and well-adjusted. By contrast, children who witness their father's anger toward or contempt for their mother are more at risk for depression, aggression, and poor health. The stress of parental conflict can have a negative effect even on the immune system, which can result in health problems for children. See Appendix F for more on healthy marriages.

The research on fatherhood suggests two implications for fathers. First, fathers need to accentuate the positive when interacting with their wives and to show affection for their wives on a daily basis. While for many men this comes naturally, for others it does not. Many men, especially those who grew up without a father, simply did not have role models for how men can and ought to relate to their spouse or partner in a positive fashion. Further, the way a man treats and interacts with the women in his life is frequently connected to how he views himself as a man. The second implication is that husbands need to be able to deal with conflict with their wives in a constructive manner. Conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing in a relationship. Indeed, conflict is often necessary to resolve issues, grievances, or injustices in a relationship. Couples who can raise issues with one another constructively, compromise, and forgive one another for the wrongs done generally have happier marriages and happier children than those who do not handle conflict well or who avoid addressing issues in their relationship.

Men should try to avoid two pitfalls of relationships: criticism and stonewalling. Criticism entails attacking a partner's personality or character as opposed to addressing a specific concern about her behavior. Stonewalling means that one partner disengages from the relationship when conflict arises, either by failing to speak, being emotionally distant, or by physically leaving the scene. In conflict, women tend to resort more to criticizing and men are more prone to stonewalling. Both of these behaviors can be enormously destructive to a relationship. By contrast, fathers who can keep calm in the midst of conflict, who can speak non-defensively, validate their partner's concerns, and attempt to respond to legitimate issues raised by their partner are much more likely to have a strong and happy relationship with their wife and children.

Spending Time with Children

"Kids spell love T-I-M-E." - Dr. Ken Canfield, Founder and President, National Center for Fathering

The time a father spends with his children is important for at least three reasons. First, spending time together enables a father to get to know and to be known by his child. A father can best discover his child's virtues and vices, hopes and fears, and aspirations and ideals by spending lots of time with his child. Second, a father who spends lots of time with his child tends to be better at caring. Time spent together makes a father more sensitive to his child's needs for love, attention, direction, and discipline. And third, as the quotation above illustrates, children often do see time as an indicator of a parent's love for them.

The research literature suggests a few important points about how fathers spend time with their children:

Fathers should spend considerable time with their children playing and having fun. As discussed earlier, fathers' play has a unique role in the child's development, teaching, for example, how to explore the world and how to keep aggressive impulses in check.

Fathers should maintain the active, physical, and playful style of fathering as their children age. In other words, when it comes to father-child fun, active pursuits like tossing the football, playing basketball, hiking, or going to the library are more valuable than spending time in passive activities such as watching television - for their relationship and for their child's emotional well-being, social development, and physical fitness.

Fathers should engage in productive activities with their children such as household chores, washing dishes after dinner, or cleaning up the backyard. Research consistently shows that such shared activities promote a sense of responsibility and significance in children that is, in turn, linked to greater self-esteem, academic and occupational achievement, psychological well-being, and civic engagement later in life.

Fathers should spend time fostering their children's intellectual growth. Some studies suggest that fathers' involvement in educational activities - from reading to their children to meeting with their child's teacher - is more important for their children's academic success than their mother's involvement.

About the Author

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