Assessing the Relationship Mess

Minds in Distress: The Clash of Evolution, Human Conditioning, and Culture in America
by Edward E. Loewe Ph.D.

(Page 2 of 2)

Love and romance are here to stay. They are a lately evolved aspect of the instinctual human responses that promote mating, especially in the western world. And, they are adaptive for continuing the existence of the human species into a future which we cannot foresee; one which may witness humans evolving into a still more complex life form, or which on the other hand may witness the early extinction of Homo sapiens. The potential of a future for the ritual of marriage cannot, on the other hand, be predicted, at least not as it is now known in western societies.

Marriage is a cultural and religious construct, a custom which is not required for mating, nor for procreation. In some regions of the world it is plural, with males having multiple wives. Elsewhere marriage must be undertaken one spouse at a time. And in southwestern China, where the Na people live, the population has shunned marriage altogether for many generations, conceives children through consensual sex with non-family members, successfully raises its offspring in communal fashion, and through all this has suffered no evidence that a higher power disapproves and will come "down" to punish these behaviors, or banish the Na people to hell.

As Stephanie Coontz writes in her recent book entitled Marriage, a History, the institution of marriage seems headed for obsolescence in much of the world. This now seems clearly its direction in the peaceful Scandinavian countries of Europe. And given the divorce and illegitimacy rates occurring in the United States, it is also difficult to see how the rites and laws of marriage, as Americans have pledged to uphold them for some decades, can flourish much longer here.

Coontz seems to consider this outcome the result of visions Americans have in recent time developed which favor the individual's search for his own self-fulfillment and "happiness," a course that can crowd out partners whose contributions to such self-realization might come to seem un-noteworthy. But the fact is that marriage and the various other kinds of human pacts which preceded it, have never successfully competed with what some refer to as the baser instincts of man, and so, it remains to be seen whether the human species will ever be able to unify behind a single, socially constructed approach to monogamous mating, such as marriage is supposed to provide.

Unfortunately, love, romance, and marriages have in modern time become a virtual minefield for many millions. People are beset by and torn between the influences of old rules, New Age fantasies, conflicting societal preferences, church stipulations, legal prescriptions, family expectations, and the nearly "do it your own way, there are no wrong answers" mentality of the most recent generation. That last theme appears to represent the direction the American culture is moving in. But it will take some time to verify this. In the meantime, it seems that the best the individual might do in the realm of romance, love, and marriage, is:

• avoid following a popular belief system down blind alleys which will prove disagreeable;
• choose whatever seems reasonable for the life one intends to live, and the person one is; and
• differentiate between what is most likely to avoid pain, and what has the potential for causing it, selecting the course of least pain for everyone involved.

Though we have set out to address the "riddle of love and marital relationships," this does not mean we can solve it. The problem is too multifaceted and human beings too complex for us to achieve anything which approximates a solution. The best we can do is to find ways to simplify our difficulties through removing some of the obstacles in our way. This will be a bit like removing the "Chance" cards from a Monopoly game, in order to make its outcome a little more predictable. Where romance, love, and marriage are concerned, in the remaining sections of this chapter we will reflect on what is real versus what is illusion, and also on a realistic view of some factors in love relationships that ought to be considered for change.

© 2006 by Edward Loewe Ph.D.

About the Author

Edward Loewe, Ph.D., holds multiple university degrees. Following two decades as the owner of a major professional corporation, he dedicated nearly twenty years to the emotionally distraught, in the field of clinical psychology. His work and lectures resulted in appointments to numerous private and public sector boards, and sundry awards.