Love in Ruins

Minds in Distress: The Clash of Evolution, Human Conditioning, and Culture in America
by Edward E. Loewe Ph.D.

Minds in Distress deals with the new mental-emotional struggles and neuroses befalling tens of millions of people, and how much of this instability is being stimulated by the culture we live in, rather than through innate flaws to be found in people.

What we have been discussing so far - romantic love - is an aspect of the human condition which has shown itself to be both a source of jubilation and of pain. Its hallmark is in many ways unpredictability. Love shows no reliability whatsoever in terms of when it will appear in one's life, how it may transform the individual, how the contrast between what is expected from it and what it actually produces in peoples' lives will play out, or how long it may last.

The genetic predisposition for experiencing attraction, romance, and love is a constant force in life. Its nature becomes altered slowly, if at all, through the process of human evolution, given that mating and procreation are its timeless underpinnings. However, this snail's pace rate of change is not true for the influence the human environment may have upon how attraction, romance, and love become experienced. The social realm produces cultural conditioning that affects the changing ways in which people think and act on behalf of these phenomena. And in America, increasingly dramatic shifts have occurred with recent generations of the young. In fact, the sudden and swift changes which have been wrought over only the past three decades, have complicated the riddle of romantic love dramatically, creating considerable risk for the individual where there was none before.

What are some of these shifts in thought and action which have entered the mind of the American public, and created the ground upon which romantic love has become more unstable than it was for previous generations? Cultural phenomena such as the following would have to be included:

An ever-increasing desire for self-gratification, coupled with the presence of seemingly limitless choices in all manner of things, and also a reduction in impulse control (which altogether can provide the fertile ground for the flourishing of what we call narcissism in humans):

People search frenetically for tension reduction in life through love relationships, and when this need is not satisfied continuously with the partner they have, a new choice is often sought;

A broad sense of personal entitlement, coupled with a never before seen range of opportunities for novel experiences, cause many to sacrifice romantic love and marriage in favor of whatever experience beckons which is different from the one which they have "used up."

The pervasive desire for, and changing nature of prestige, which acts as a major factor affecting decisions in romantic relationships:

The most oft-cited factor in divorce is that of money. This is also the single most significant measure of prestige in the United States. When one person of a couple has come to widely outdistance the other in this realm of "contribution," there can begin a subtle search for a replacement partner, one who can supply his or her appropriate share of assets, or provide some other desirable characteristic which the current mate seems to lack. This is a common dynamic in business partnerships that break up, and one which is increasingly being played out in romantic and marital relationships.

A capitalistic system which strongly encourages consumption. This also fosters the view that all things are disposable, and newer versions of whatever one already has represent an improvement over what can be discarded:

What has been called "consumptive consumerism" (see Chapter Eight in Minds in Distress) refers to a mentality in the American culture that leads individuals to absorb ever more of goods, while discarding what has in their mind outlived its usefulness, though it may still be quite serviceable. This outlook appears to have found its way into the realm of romantic love and marriage, so that partners are being replaced by "new models" at a rate not seen before.

The culture-wide emphasis on beauty and appearance. This is not a new phenomenon in the history of humans, but it has become a more powerful influence than before, as a consequence of economic forces involved with selling every conceivable means for improving one's appearance:

Just as consumerism emphasizes what one should own to feel adequate, this influence places extraordinary importance upon how one must appear in order to measure up in life. This distracts from the value of personal traits that can prove sustaining to love relationships, and influences people to place considerable emphasis on finding attractive partners, people who may however not prove to be compatible in other ways.

A dramatic increase in the appetite for fantasy over reality:

A wide variety of obsession-producing offerings such as pornography, Internet dating, publications, and some media productions, have shown their capacity to remove the focus of many millions of people from a potentially viable romantic love relationship, to the pursuit of fantasy fulfillment. A common phenomenon encountered by marriage counselors today is that of a relationship which has become diminished by a partner's having become engaged in one or more other relationships involving people who are dating on the Internet.

A major reduction in the application of once universally accepted, tradition-based values, such as those invested in the family, the knit community, and secure, shared beliefs which support a range of moral and ethical choices:

Loyalty and commitment have become oppressive to many who increasingly embrace a "no-strings-attached" mentality for relationships. This supports the developing notion that friendship, family, jobs, and love are unlikely to endure, because in time they will either be taken away, or will no longer meet one's personal needs.

A widening view that life is largely about oneself:

Americans live in a culture that has produced unforeseen appetites, and even public support, for vast personal experimentation with behavior and self-expression. This pursuit of whatever seems momentarily self-fulfilling to the individual is often damaging to the cooperative spirit required for the success of romantic relationships and marriage.

Changes in the mores of mating:

Traditional dating which led to engagement and marriage has been replaced by "hanging out together" and cohabitation. The latter has been shown to produce fragile relationships, yet it is favored by more than 50 percent of men and women today;

The prevailing current choice most people make for an early-start, sexually active single life has been shown to lead to multiple relationships, with a cumulative negative effect on the prospect for a single, lasting romantic love union.

An American culture which is marked by nothing so much as by rapid change:

The rate at which the individual must make personal life adjustments to accommodate changes imposed upon him by the culture and his environment, can be so swift that the pledge to support the romantic love relationship above all else may today become swept aside by whatever becomes necessary for economic self-preservation. Families and relationships regularly become fractured through the relocation of a partner.

© 2006 by Edward Loewe Ph.D.

About the Author

Edward Loewe, Ph.D., holds multiple university degrees. Following two decades as the owner of a major professional corporation, he dedicated nearly twenty years to the emotionally distraught, in the field of clinical psychology. His work and lectures resulted in appointments to numerous private and public sector boards, and sundry awards.