The First Rule for Parents Is To Be Clear with Kids

by SAMHSA

"Behave yourself!" "Leave your brother alone." "I thought I told you to clean your room." If you've caught yourself saying these things "a thousand times," you may need to review the rules and expectations you have for your child and, more important, how you communicate them. One reason some children don't do what we want is because we aren't clear enough with our messages. Now is a great time to sit down with your child to talk about how you expect her to behave in and outside of your home.

The first "rule" for parents is to be clear. Instead of saying, "Please clean up your room," say "Please make your bed and pick your clothes up off of the floor." You also can try, "Be home by 6:00" instead of "Don't be late." The second rule, especially important with strong-willed children, is to tell your child what will happen if she doesn't comply: "If you don't wear your helmet, you're not riding your bike." Or, to keep things positive, you can try something like, "If you want to ride your bike, I expect you to use your helmet at all times." You get the picture.

What To Do

Think about a rule that you have a hard time getting your child to follow. Consider how you've talked to him about it. The next time your child breaks a rule, try applying these four steps from Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child, a book by family therapist and educational psychologist Robert J. MacKenzie, Ed.D.

1. Focus on the behavior. Don't shame or embarrass your child into behaving by saying, "When are you going to grow up?" Instead, say, "I want you to stop taking apart your sister's dolls."

2. Be specific and direct. For example, instead of saying, "It's bedtime," say "It's 9:00 p.m.; please go upstairs to take your shower."

3. Use your normal voice. Raising your voice or screaming shows your child that you're not in control. Don't sound irritated; speak with a firm voice that matter-of-factly says, "You're going to do XYZ now."

4. Tell your child what will happen if she breaks the rules. Allow your child to make an informed choice whenever possible. Most important, if she does break the rule, you must follow through with your stated consequence. For more on this topic, see our article titled Rules About Consequences.

The bottom line is that children need us to be clear about our rules and expectations, and they need to know that their actions, good and bad, will have consequences. If they choose to break the rules, they choose to deal with the consequences. Even more, if we choose the right words when we talk to our kids, we may find that getting them to follow the rules is much less stressful for everyone!

Put It Into Practice

As this article mentioned, sometimes children don't do what we ask them when we want them to because we are not clear enough with our message. Have you ever had a hard time getting your child away from the TV and off to bed? Check out these two situations to see how a slight change in words and actions can be helpful in getting a child to cooperate. Think about how you can change your language to gain better cooperation from your child in a situation that you often deal with.

About the Author

www.samhsa.gov
SAMHSA works to improve the quality and availability of substance abuse prevention, alcohol and drug addiction treatment, and mental health services. Includes links to support groups, information resources, events and articles.