Communication with Your Teen

by SAMHSA

Do you ever feel like you and your child are speaking two different languages? If so, you aren't alone. Many parents struggle to communicate with their child. Even adults who work with children every day - teachers, coaches, or club leaders - sometimes need some communication tips.

Many times adults confuse communication with telling a child what to do. Telling a child to do his homework or get more sleep isn't really communication. It's important information that your child needs, but it's lacking an important part of communication. It's lacking the two-way exchange of feelings and ideas. True communication takes two people. The American Academy of Pediatrics states, "Healthy communication - the kind that builds a strong two-way bridge - is crucial in helping your child develop a healthy personality and good relationships with you and others. It gives your child a chance to become a happy, safe, healthy person, no matter what happens."

So you know it's important, but how do you it? Effective communication between parents and children is not always easy. Children and adults have different communication styles and different ways of responding in a conversation. In addition, timing and place can determine how successful communication will be. Parents should make time to talk with their children in a quiet, unhurried manner. It's also important that parents be ready to listen whenever their child wants to talk, even it it's an inconvenient time. The following tips are designed to make communication more successful.

Listen

• Stop what you are doing and pay attention.
• Don't interrupt.
• Don't prepare what you will say while your child is speaking.
• Reserve judgment until your child has finished and has asked you for a response.

Look

Be aware of your child's facial expression and body language. Is your child nervous or uncomfortable - frowning, drumming fingers, tapping a foot, looking at the clock? Or does your child seem relaxed - smiling, looking you in the eyes? Reading these signs will help you know how your child is feeling.

During the conversation, acknowledge what your child is saying - move your body forward if you are sitting, touch a shoulder if you are walking, or nod your head and make eye contact.

Respond

"I am very concerned about..." or "I understand that it is sometimes difficult..." are better ways to respond to your child than beginning sentences with "You should," or "If I were you," or "When I was your age we didn't..." Speaking for oneself sounds thoughtful and is less likely to be considered a lecture or an automatic response.

If your child tells you something you don't want to hear, don't ignore the statement.

Don't offer advice in response to every statement your child makes. It is better to listen carefully to what is being said and try to understand the real feelings behind the words.

Make sure you understand what your child means. Repeat things to your child for confirmation.

Put It Into Practice

With your child, watch a TV show that portrays a family. Start a discussion with him or her about how the family members communicate with each other.

About the Author

www.samhsa.gov
SAMHSA works to improve the quality and availability of substance abuse prevention, alcohol and drug addiction treatment, and mental health services. Includes links to support groups, information resources, events and articles.