Parenting Teens: Coping Skills for the Little Things

by SAMHSA

Often, the "little things" add up and can have a big impact on how your teen feels. Things like forgetting her lunch, dealing with someone who is teasing her, or losing her homework may seem small to you, but they're important to your teen. When many things combine, they form what feels like a mountain of problems that's just too big for your teen to climb. However, learning to take on challenges step by step can help your teen cope with and manage stress.

It's important to know what teens can deal with on their own or manage with adult help. Life's everyday frustrations should not be confused with clinical depression; they are different. Depression is a serious illness that requires professional care.

But for life's everyday problems and frustrations, teens can develop coping skills to help them problem-solve. When youth develop these skills, they are better able to manage frustration, anger, and anxiety without drugs and alcohol. Here are a few guidelines to help your teen:

1. Control what you can, and let go of the things you can't control.

Which stressful situations in your life can you control? Which ones can't be controlled? Focus on the things that you can change. For example, your teen can't change the fact that he didn't make the soccer team this year. But he can practice his skills and prepare for next year's tryouts. Or he can explore other options, such as trying other sports, looking for interesting youth group activities, or finding a new hobby.

2. Focus on one problem at a time.

Trying to solve too many challenges is hard, but taking them one at a time makes them easier to manage. A teen might say, "I had the worst day ever! I'm a complete idiot and everyone hates me." But what really happened is that she spilled soda all over her new shirt, forgot her homework, and had a fight with her best friend. Helping her focus on each challenge, one at a time, can keep her from feeling overwhelmed.

Start by concentrating on the first problem and discuss the parts - or steps - of what happened. For example, where was she and what was she doing when the soda spilled - sitting in the cafeteria, laughing with friends, and opening the can too soon after she carried it? Or was she juggling her books and carrying an open can of soda in a crowded hallway? Talk about ways to prevent this accident in the future.

Then, move on to the next challenge and possible solutions. Why was the homework missing, and how can she prevent that from happening again? For example, you can urge her to gather her school supplies - books, notebooks, homework, pencils - and pack her backpack the night before.

Focusing on one problem at a time not only helps prevent that problem in the future, it gives your child a sense of control.

3. Take care of your body, mind, and spirit.

When you eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep, you feel better! Make sure that your teen isn't overloaded with activities and that he's managing his schoolwork. He should take time every day to slow down and do something he enjoys, even if it is just for a few minutes.

4. Manage anger.

Anger is a normal emotion; it's what we do with anger that determines if it is helpful or harmful. If it motivates us to accomplish something useful or to help others, anger is helpful. If it is destructive to things, people, or self, then a person must learn to control it. For both you and your child, learning to "count to 10," taking a walk, or doing something that releases energy can give you time to calm down. Either one of you can ask for a "time out" to think through the problem before finishing the conversation.

5. Talk with trusted family and friends.

One of the best things your teen can do is to talk openly to a friendly, understanding listener who remains calm. Moms and dads often fill this role! Listen to your child. She may not want your advice, but just being there for her and listening to what she says can help her cope. You can act as a sounding board so your child can "hear herself think," which can help her solve her own problems.

By teaching your child how to cope with life's twists and turns, you send him valuable messages like, "I love you," "I'm here for you," "What matters to you matters to me," or "You can do it!" As your teen learns to manage the "little things," he becomes better at tackling the bigger ones.

About the Author

www.samhsa.gov
SAMHSA works to improve the quality and availability of substance abuse prevention, alcohol and drug addiction treatment, and mental health services. Includes links to support groups, information resources, events and articles.