Domestic Violence, Getting Help for Your Teen

by SAMHSA

(Page 7 of 8)

Domestic Violence

After too many years of accepting my husband's abuse, I finally stood up to him about three years ago. He used to hit me, yell, and pound on walls. I lived in terror. He would always be very sorry afterwards, apologizing to me and promising things would change. He never abused the children, but I'm afraid they saw too much of this. Finally, one day I packed, took the kids, and left for a women's shelter. But now my 15-year-old daughter, Emily, has nightmares about her Dad, and gets very nervous and jumpy at times. My 17-year-old son, Eric, has been getting loud and aggressive, just as his father used to get. I think he may even be abusing his girlfriend. I feel as though I'm reliving the nightmare through Eric. Is there any hope?

You were wise to get the protection of a women's shelter for yourself and your family. There is likely a connection between your husband's past behavior, and the present situation. Children who witness violence are more at risk for a variety of mental health problems, including depression and anxiety, and are more likely to become violent themselves. Your husband was the male role model for Eric, who saw aggressive behavior patterns that he may be copying.

Many children who witness violence in the home suffer from anxiety problems. Emily surely has issues with anxiety and may well be feeling the impact of the trauma of what she witnessed. Some of the symptoms of anxiety disorder include restlessness, being easily fatigued, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, and disturbed sleep.

Have you been in family therapy? This treatment could help everyone. It gives children an opportunity to identify and express feelings honestly. Emily could get help dealing with her anxiety and working out her feelings toward her father. Eric could get help for his own aggressive tendencies, learn anger management skills, and find healthy ways of expressing his feelings. If he is abusing his girlfriend, it is even more essential that he gets help immediately. The tragedy of violence between adult family members is that children who witness such violence are more at risk of becoming violent themselves, and the cycle may continue from one generation to the next. If you are still in a violent relationship, but need help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Getting Help for Your Teen

Getting help for your teen is a major step in bringing him or her back from the edge of harm's way, and promoting a healthy future. You should also know that sometimes when a child is having serious difficulties, it may be a sign that there are family issues that should be addressed. When seeking help for your teen, consider whether the rest of the family could also benefit from counseling.

If There are Problems at School

If your teen is having difficulty at school, such as poor grades, behavior problems, or being bullied, it is important to reach out to school officials. They can provide support, and also may be able to give you additional information about what has been going on with your child.

You can start with your child's teacher. If the school has a counselor, social worker, or school psychologist, you can contact this person. The school principal is also a good resource and may be able to pull together appropriate staff members to talk with you about your child. If you have concerns about contacting school personnel, most school districts have designated a parent advocate or have a parent resource center to help parents navigate the school system.

School personnel are also a good source of referrals for mental health services.

If Your Teen Appears Depressed or Anxious

Depression is more than the blues; it is more than the normal, everyday ups and downs. When that "down" mood, combined with other symptoms, lasts for more than a couple of weeks, the condition may be clinical depression. This is a serious health problem that affects the total person.

Anxiety disorders are illnesses that fill people's lives with overwhelming anxiety and fear that doesn't go away, and often gets worse. These disorders can change your teen's behavior by diminishing physical health and appearance, school performance, social activity, and the ability to handle everyday decisions and pressures.

If you think your child has an emotional problem (even if it is not serious enough to be called a mental illness) that requires more help than you can give, the sooner he or she gets the needed help, the sooner he or she may feel better.

Mental disorders are real illnesses, just like diabetes or other physical ailments. Having a mental illness does not mean a person is weak, or a failure, or is not really trying. It means he or she needs treatment. Untreated, mental disorders can result in damage to self-esteem, poor school performance, problems with relationships and even suicide. Mental health treatment works; most people can be helped. Treatment helps reduce the symptoms of the mental disorder, improve relationships, strengthen coping skills and promote behaviors that make a person's life better.

Neither parent nor teen should be afraid of what people might say or think about seeking treatment. You should draw upon many available resources and may even be surprised by the support you receive from your friends and your teen's friends.

I want to get help for my teen, but I don't know how to find someone good.

In picking a mental health professional, it's important to identify a person who is experienced in working with youth and families, and highly respected in the community. School administrators, counselors and teachers often know mental health providers with this expertise, and can usually make recommendations. Family doctors or your local mental health association can also point you in the right direction. Ask other parents as well - they are among the best referral sources.

Skilled mental health professionals understand that adolescents may be slow to embrace professional help, and perhaps were brought for help against their will. These professionals will carefully build trust with your teen, important for an effective therapeutic relationship. They help young people understand that much of their conversation is kept confidential - and also spell out the limits of confidentiality.

About the Author

www.samhsa.gov
SAMHSA works to improve the quality and availability of substance abuse prevention, alcohol and drug addiction treatment, and mental health services. Includes links to support groups, information resources, events and articles.