Helping Your Teen : Bullying, Drugs, Alcohol and Substance Abuse

by SAMHSA

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Handling Tough Situations

Teenagers, like all of us, sometimes need help and guidance, but it can sometimes be difficult for parents to recognize when to intervene in their teenager's life. You know about the challenges that today's teenagers face - some of which are different than those you experienced as a teen. Understanding these challenges, and knowing when and how to intervene to help your child overcome them, is an essential role for parents.

It is also a difficult role. Being able to tell the difference between normal teenage behavior and self-destructive, hurtful behavior is critical. The following examples are designed to help you understand some of the warning signs that your teenager may need help. Read through these examples and see if any sound familiar.

Remember, though, that every teenager is different and there is often no clear answer to your specific situation. If you are concerned, talk to your teenage children. At a minimum, let them know how you feel and tell them that you would like to talk. If you are still concerned, or if you think that your teenagers may hurt themselves or others, you should get help immediately.

Bullying

I was called to my 13-year-old son's school today because he stole some money from another boy during lunch. This wasn't the first incident. A few weeks ago, the principal called because Keith made another boy take the blame for graffiti he wrote on the school bus. No matter what we tell him, he constantly seems to get in trouble. What can I do?

You certainly have reason to be concerned about your son's behavior. He is acting like a bully and needs your help to put on the brakes. The principal was right to call. The school can set a clear standard - no bullying - and make sure that your son understands the consequences for violations of this rule. You, too, need to make clear that you disapprove of bullying. You need to help your son develop empathy - which is the ability to understand how other people feel - and to care about others' feelings. You will probably want to impose consequences on your son for his unacceptable behavior. Be firm, but do it in a loving way. Right now your son needs your empathy, understanding, and love. By providing this, you can show the power of caring about others in a positive way.

This still leaves the bigger part of the problem - getting to the reasons for your son's behavior. You have to talk with him to determine why he is being a bully. What leads your son to behave in such hurtful ways?

With your help, or with the assistance of a professional, your son can understand his own motives for bullying. Some young people are bullies because they are bored and crave excitement; some do it to feel powerful; some engage in this behavior as a response to family problems; some do it for attention and to be popular with their peers. You need to ask him very detailed questions:

• Did you plan to take the other boy's lunch money beforehand, or was it a sudden urge?
• Why did you pick on that particular person?
• What were you thinking when you did it? (Ex: I need the money; I'll look cool.)
• How did you feel when you did it? (Ex: Excited, thrilled, frightened, powerful).
• How do you think the other boy felt?
• What's happening in your life or in our family that may be upsetting you?

When you understand the details of what happened, you can determine how to help your child. For example, if your son stole money because he saw it sitting on a lunch tray and had a sudden urge to grab it, he will need to learn to recognize his impulses, and to stop them. If he planned to steal money, preselected a victim and stole because he wanted to look important, he will need to learn positive ways to make friends and gain peer acceptance.

We have to help our children learn healthy and socially acceptable ways to cope with urges and anger, and to satisfy their emotional needs appropriately. A big challenge? Yes. But it's part of growing up and becoming a good citizen.

Drug Use and Failure in School

Our 16-year-old daughter, Julia, was caught drinking at a party. We suspect that she has smoked marijuana, too. She has been doing poorly in school - in fact, now she's neglecting her school-work and failing one subject. We set up required study time, but it hasn't helped. She misses curfews and hasn't been doing her chores. We've talked with her about alcohol, drugs, and sex, and we've been clear about the rules and consequences when she has broken them. Obviously, it hasn't worked. She says I'm a nag. What else can I do?

Alcohol and Substance Abuse

Julia's drinking and possible drug use may be the tip of the iceberg. Alcohol and other drug use often occur along with other serious problems.

First, you need to talk to Julia and find out what drugs she is using and how often she is using them. Don't confront her when she seems to be under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. Wait until she is straight and sober. Then discuss your suspicions with her calmly and objectively, as you begin a dialogue. Bring in other members of the family to help, if necessary.

Second, impose whatever discipline your family has decided on for violating the rules, and stick to it. Don't relent because she promises never to do it again. Make sure that she knows that her use of alcohol and other drugs is a serious problem and that she is harming herself.

If Julia has developed a pattern of drug use or has engaged in heavy use, you should get immediate help. If you do not know about drug treatment programs in your area, call your doctor, local hospital, or county mental health center for a referral. Your school district should have a substance abuse coordinator or a counselor who can refer you to treatment programs, too. Parents whose children have been through treatment programs can also provide information.

Many young people lie about their alcohol and drug use. If you think Julia is not being truthful and the evidence is pretty strong, you may wish to have her evaluated by a health professional experienced in diagnosing adolescents with alcohol- and drug-related problems.

Listed in the box at right are signs that may indicate problems with alcohol or other drugs. They could also indicate other problems, not related to drugs. In either case, if you observe significant changes in your teen's behavior, something is wrong. Start a dialogue with your teen about the problems. If you are still confused about whether alcohol or other drugs are part of the problem, or if you recognize that a substance abuse problem exists, get professional help.

About the Author

www.samhsa.gov
SAMHSA works to improve the quality and availability of substance abuse prevention, alcohol and drug addiction treatment, and mental health services. Includes links to support groups, information resources, events and articles.