Helping Your Teen : Listening, Tough Topics

by SAMHSA

Introduction

This is an exciting time to be a teenager in America. Young people today are growing up in a rapidly changing society with hopes for a very promising future. Survey results show that 84% of high-school students plan to attend a four-year college. Teens overwhelmingly share their parents' values of honesty and hard work, and are engaged in positive activities. More than half of all teenagers volunteer with a community organization, attend a house of worship weekly, read the newspaper twice a week or more, and attend cultural events or visit museums.

In spite of this positive outlook, however, adolescence - the transition between childhood and adulthood - is still one of the most difficult times for children and parents alike. Growing up is more than the physical changes that occur, such as getting taller or more muscular. This passage is a time for establishing independence, testing limits, trying on different roles, exploring new feelings, and fostering intellectual growth. Above all, adolescence is a process that takes time to happen.

We have all heard the frightening and heart-breaking statistics about youth violence, depression, tobacco, and alcohol and other drug use. Even the best-informed young people are constantly tested by social pressures, emotional needs, and their peers. The push and pull between right and wrong can become a tug of war between adolescent and parent.

Being a parent, grandparent, foster parent, or caregiver of a teen is both rewarding and challenging. Caring adults can make all the difference in a child's life.

This guide provides some useful tools to improve your communication with your teenager to help him or her get through adolescence successfully. Read it all or select the sections that help you the most.

Getting the Conversation Started

Many parents worry when their teenagers don't want to spend as much time with the family as they did when they were younger. This can be both hurtful and frightening. You worry about their safety and about their future. It is normal for children to want to spend more time with their friends during the teen years, but it shouldn't mean that teens ignore their families. Parents and teens need to take action to stay connected or to reconnect.

I used to be close with my daughter. She would talk with me about everything. Now she's 14 and avoids me. She is quiet at dinner, and then goes to her room or talks with friends on the phone all evening. Sometimes she gets moody and angry. I want to reach her the way I used to, but I don't know how to start.

Sometimes the solution is easy. Spend more time together. Suggest doing things that you both enjoy. Talk more. Dinnertime is an excellent opportunity for that kind of exchange. Talk about your day. Ask your teen about his or her day. Be sure the television is turned off and you and your teen are tuned in.

Most teens agree that they want to spend more time with their parents. You may be surprised to learn that a recent study indicated that most teenagers rate "not having enough time together" with parents as their top concern. Many will be glad that their parents care enough to make the effort to spend time with them.

Some teens have a hard time expressing anger and upset feelings. They keep their feelings bottled inside. Parents need to draw such children out. Try to start a conversation by saying "I can see you've been upset. Let's talk about what's happening."

Some teens, however, may give parents the cold shoulder. If that happens, be patient, and be persistent until you break through. If you can't break through, there could be a more serious problem than embarrassment or a difficulty communicating.

Listening to Your Teen

Let teens know you will listen and try to understand their point of view, without putting them down or trying to control them. Being open-minded sometimes can be difficult for adults. But to communicate with teens, parents need to do more than just talk; they need to listen, and really hear what their teens are saying. They also need to notice which issues are not being discussed and have the courage to start a dialogue about those issues.

When disagreements arise, listening does not mean that you give up your authority as a parent. It does mean giving teens a voice in matters that concern them. Through family dialogue, parents get to know what their teens are thinking and feeling, and teens get to know where their parents stand. Sometimes parents and teens can reach agreements when none seemed possible. Even when agreement cannot be reached, teens are more likely to do what their parents wish if they feel that their parents listened to them with an open mind.

Tough Topics

Parents can become frustrated when they try to start a conversation with their teenager and he or she just isn't interested. There are tough topics, however, that need to be discussed. Teenagers face pressures and temptations about alcohol and other drugs, sex, tobacco, guns, and violence. They need and deserve adult support. Don't wait for a crisis. Ideally, parents should find times and ways to talk with their teens before serious problems occur, preferably early in the lives of their children. But it is never too late to start.

Sometimes, you begin a dialogue about these issues as part of normal conversation. Often, "teachable moments" happen during day-to-day activities. For example, you could discuss underage drinking when someone gets intoxicated in the presence of your family, or in a movie, or when you see a newspaper story about an accident caused by teenage drinking. You could discuss violence, and better ways of solving problems, after watching a TV show or movie that portrays violence as a solution to a disagreement.

If your teen doesn't want to talk, try to be clear that your purpose is to build understanding and to be supportive, certainly not to find fault or to punish. If you can't nudge your child into a dialogue, back off for awhile. This strategy can be disarming. Then, give your son or daughter some time to think it over. A few days later, you can try again to start the discussion. Parents can be flexible in getting the dialogue going, but should not give up on the need for this discussion to eventually begin. Although it may be harder to get boys to open up, parents should engage in dialogue with their sons and daughters alike.

Today's teens, more than ever before, need to connect with adults - if not a parent, then a coach or teacher, grandparent or foster parent, clergy member, or other trusted adult in their lives. Teens need an adult with whom they can talk openly. They should not be left to rely solely on other teens for important information, conversation, and help with problem solving about how to grow up wisely.

About the Author

www.samhsa.gov
SAMHSA works to improve the quality and availability of substance abuse prevention, alcohol and drug addiction treatment, and mental health services. Includes links to support groups, information resources, events and articles.