The Six Passion Quest Dead Ends

Sex Lives of Wives: Reigniting the Passion
by Holly H. Hollenbeck

(Page 3 of 3)

(Dead Ends to Seeking the Missing Passion in Our Relationship)

• Passively letting the passion continue to slip away
• Believing that this is "just the way it is" in a long-term relationship
• Believing that it is too late to do something about the problem
• Believing we do not have the time or energy to do something about it
• Pursuing sexual passion behind our mate's back (i.e., cheating)
• Failing to recognize (and learn from) the dead-end paths we have already ventured down (e.g., ignoring the problem, or committing adultery or dancing on the edge of it)

Do We Need to Begin a "Passion Quest" or Are We Already on One?

After much complaining and crying into our beers about our sex lives, my friends and I decided we all needed a little kick in the butt, something to once again motivate us to really put some effort into making love. We would each try something new - something different - and then share the results. We would put our collective minds together to find a solution to the boredom that had become our long-term relationships. We would follow the path that was calling out to us. We would start our journey to rediscover the passion.

As we started off and began to share really personal tidbits with one another, I learned that many women were already "treating" the malaise that was their sex life at home. The "treatments" in some cases were questionable and often made the problem worse. Some were very creative, some involved ignoring the problem, and some were, well, unconventional. Each one of us was on a different journey, but all were seeking the same sexual "pot of gold." We were hoping that we could rediscover that passion we had with our mate in those early heated encounters, that somehow we could re-create the excitement. We hoped that our journey would bring us to that place of many intimate moments of "that feels great" pleasure and joy.

Through the diapers and the night feedings, through the car trips with screaming children and the teenagers missing curfew, through it all, we have often had our sexual selves closeted, struggling to again be realized. Once I started questioning anyone who would talk about their sex life, intimate details began to surface. My research uncovered some intriguing and inspiring real-life dramas. Jessie, for instance, regularly reads romance novels, flirts with her trainer, and now desperately wishes to understand what the big deal is about sex. Nora is facing a soon-to-be-empty nest and a passionless marriage. Courtney, on the other hand, has been "experimenting" a lot. Lisa and her husband have tried nude beaches and are even considering a "wild exploration" (see glossary at the back of this book). And Carla thinks she wants to have an affair, flirts regularly with the men at work, and has frequent cybersex.

When we discussed these women and their stories at our Passion Seekers' meetings, we started putting the focus back onto our sexual selves. We realized that, like these women, our sex drives never really vanished - we were just not paying close attention to the fact that we were already on a journey of sorts. We were all, in our own ways, seeking passion in our lives. We all wanted to be "Passion Seekers."

The passion within us is not dead; it is sometimes dormant or hiding, but it is there, struggling to come out and be fully utilized again, or in some cases for the first time. We want to feel sexy and be noticed again, now that we are mature enough to handle it and know what to do with it (and, boy, do we). We have had children, careers, and many experiences. Most women over thirty-five (and especially those who have had children) will tell you that they are more orgasmic now than ever before. We are at our sexual prime.

The paths we take toward rediscovery are not always smooth ones; bumps and wrong turns are often inevitable. We hope to find the passion within ourselves and within our mate, but often we look the wrong way. We start down a path that heads somewhere else. Sometimes the path leads us to a pitfall and the end of our relationship, but sometimes it leads to exciting discoveries with our lifelong mate and takes us to new unexplored heights.

Considering the Journeys of Others -
Meet Courtney, Nora, Jessie, Carla, and Lisa

We learn a lot from our friends. The successes and failures of others can speak volumes. So I sought out the details of those who have already undertaken journeys to find the lost passion. Hearing the revelations of these women, I discovered the extent of the complications involved with exploration. Just where are our journeys taking us and what can we learn from the journeys of others?

Courtney is currently a stay-at-home mother of three. She is organized to a fault and is constantly planning something. She and her husband of nine years have experimented in the past. They are practically the poster couple for location sex, having tried just about all the imaginable spots to "do it." You would never know this by looking at them. They are the picture-perfect conservative WASP family. They work hard to keep their sex life interesting. The problem now is, what should they try next? How do they crank it up a notch?

Nora has been married for about twenty years and has two children - one already off to college and one who just comes home to eat and sleep. Without the emotional focus on the children, she and her husband are facing an empty nest. Nora wonders what is left of the passionate and intimate relationship they once had. Can it be rediscovered? Are there paths yet to explore on their journey or have they covered the globe already? Or, worse, has the last passion ship already set sail?

Jessie is an executive and a mother of two. She has often been chided for being a "closet prude." She makes flirtatious comments and sexual innuendos with the best of them, but beneath the surface she is really very embarrassed by the whole subject. She tolerates sex with her husband, feeling it is an obligation that she must bear. She will say that the thrill for her left after the first child was born. With her full-time career and two children, she professes to be too tired to care.

Jessie cannot even remember the last time she enjoyed sex with her husband. She says that when they do have sex, she does the "obligatory leg spread," closes her eyes, and sometimes throws in a few moans for effect. She adds, "He usually gets it over with pretty quick, thank goodness." Unfortunately, it sounds as if Jessie has given up or maybe never had it to begin with. It is true that Jessie has neither experimented nor tried anything "spicy" with her spouse. She was raised in a strict religious environment and claims this is the reason for her sexual inhibitions. To conclude that Jessie is a prude, however, is a superficial inference at best, for Jessie turns out to be a most enthusiastic participant in a quest for passion. Her sexual suppression eventually results in an explosion that rattles her moral and ethical beliefs to the core.

Carla, on the other hand, has had a lot of experience (and, yes, I mean sexually). She dated around, focused on her career, and waited until her forties to "settle down" and get married. For a time, she was actually referred to by her friends as the Midwest's version of Samantha (after the promiscuous character on HBO's Sex and the City). By my standards, Carla's near three years of marriage qualify her as a newlywed, yet she is already feeling boredom in the bedroom. Carla is a corporate career professional who travels a lot for her job. She has been propositioned on just about every one of her road trips, usually by married men. Is Carla headed down infidelity lane?

Finally, there is Lisa. Lisa is a former executive, now a stay-at-home mom. She is very outgoing and an active community volunteer. Lisa talks a good game but has not participated in anything really wild - yet. During vacations, Lisa says, the sex is great, but once she and her mate are back home, making love becomes mediocre at best. Lisa has sought advice from every book she has gotten her hands on and has asked the advice of many a seemingly happy couple. A few times while she and her husband were on vacation, swingers (see "swinging" in the glossary at the back of this book) approached them. She is now very curious about the "lifestyle." With the goal of spicing things up, is Lisa heading toward "wild explorations"?

The stories of Courtney, Nora, Jessie, Carla, and Lisa are compilations of real events that happened to people who were willing to confide in me. I do not pass judgment on the actions of any of these people. In fact, I greatly respect them for finding their own way and for providing details of their lives and experiences, from which we can all benefit.

Through these women's journeys and the information and advice offered, we may get a glimpse of something we might want to try or something we wish to avoid. By sharing in these experiences, we may find our own way toward a more fulfilling and passionate sex life in our long-term relationship. Let the journey begin!

Copyright © 2006 by Helarie Hollenbeck

About the Author

Holly H. Hollenbeck, a former attorney, founded passionseekers.com, where thousands of women discuss their intimate lives. She also conducts Passion Seekers seminars and workshops. Holly lives in Omaha with her husband and two children.