Avoid Becoming a Statistic

Sex Lives of Wives: Reigniting the Passion
by Holly H. Hollenbeck

(Page 2 of 3)

When I first approached women about their experiences with sex in their long-term relationships, many insisted that all they could contribute was "everything you would want to know about missionary style." And, as an aside, they jokingly offered to share all their "secrets" about how to "get [sex] over with as soon as possible." With this kind of frequent commentary from women in long-term committed relationships, I am not at all surprised by the number of people who are unhappy about their sex lives or, for that matter, having affairs and getting divorced.

My Passion Seeker friends and I conducted an unofficial count of all the women we knew who had an affair or were having an affair. We were shocked by the fact that each of us could think of at least two different women, and many of those women were now divorced or living with a strained relationship at home. Granted, some of these women had an affair in retaliation for their spouse's indiscretions, but they were nevertheless cheating (or had cheated) on their mate.

According to the National Opinion Research Center's Reports on Sexual Behavior, the number of wives cheating on their husbands in the United States is on the rise. Their findings show that in the last twelve to fifteen years, the percentage of previously or currently married women who have ever been involved in an extramarital affair has risen while the rate for men has remained about the same. This means that the "infidelity gap" has narrowed. (See "The Current Estimates for the United States" below.) An Internet search will bring up many Web sites geared toward women who are cheating - or wanting to cheat - or men who are looking for married women to cheat with. Reports vary widely as to the actual percentage of women in committed relationships who are cheating in the United States, but some experts put the number as high as 55 percent (see "The Current Estimates for the United States" below).

Letting the passion slip away from our relationship sounds like a quick way to become another statistic - one of the approximately 50 percent divorcing or the estimated 40 to 55 percent having affairs (see the list below). Of course, there are many other stresses on a marriage, but just as most marriage counselors will tell us, discontent in the bedroom is one of the biggest. What are we accomplishing by sticking our head in the sand and trying not to think about how much we miss the passionate newness of those early days?

The Current Estimates for the United States

About 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. (U.S. Census Bureau Current Population Reports, February 2002)

Forty-three percent of first marriages break up within the first fifteen years. (Centers for Disease Control, National Center for Health Statistics, May 2001)

Tom W. Smith, author of the National Opinion Research Center's Reports on Sexual Behavior (April 2003), notes that "In the last twelve to fifteen years, the 'infidelity gap' has narrowed, as the percent of previously or currently married women ever involved in an affair has risen while the percent of previously or currently married men ever involved in an affair has remained stable."

Forty-five to 55 percent of married women and 50 to 60 percent of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time during their marriage. (Joan D. Atwood and Limor Schwartz, "Cybersex: The New Affair Treatment Considerations," Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, vol. 1, #3, 2002)

Approximately half of all married persons have at least one affair during the course of the relationship. (Mary Stuart, coauthor of The Divorce Recovery Journal, 1999)

Sixty percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair at some point. (Peggy Vaughan, therapist and author of The Monogamy Myth, 2003)

According to an online survey of 38,000 Internet users, respondents devote three hours each week to online sexual exploits, and one in ten respondents said they are addicted to sex and the Internet. (Survey by MSNBC.com and Dr. Alvin Cooper, director of the San Jose Marital Services and Sexuality Center in California; as printed on usatoday.com, Newsbytes News Network, 2001)

Maybe we are already one of these statistics. Maybe we had an affair or cybersex, and maybe we got away with it, but did it help at home? Has the passion improved? Or maybe we have just thought about having an affair. Maybe we are dancing on the edge of infidelity because it makes us feel sexy and desired again. Is whetting our appetite outside the home helping to spice things up with our mate or is it just muddying the waters?

When we think about it, many of us are already seeking passion. Sometimes we just complain about the problem, and sometimes we venture out, actively making poor choices to solve it. Do we even realize that we are already on the journey? Have we actually acknowledged to ourselves that we miss the sexual passion in our relationship? Maybe our instinct, our innate sexuality, is calling out to us to do something about it before it is too late. We may not be listening because of the kids and the job and the chores and what have you. We may not think there is anything that can be done about it. We may believe it is too late, takes too much effort, or is "just the way it is" in a long-term relationship. The passion slips away - end of story.

Well that is not the end of the story. We need to pay attention to that voice inside us, the one that is calling out to add some excitement, to find the passion, to add more "that feels great!" We need to take action, follow the path, and begin the journey toward a passionate renewal in our lives. This, in fact, is what many women are doing, some in healthy ways and some in not so healthy ways.

Copyright © 2006 by Helarie Hollenbeck

About the Author

Holly H. Hollenbeck, a former attorney, founded passionseekers.com, where thousands of women discuss their intimate lives. She also conducts Passion Seekers seminars and workshops. Holly lives in Omaha with her husband and two children.