Passion Quests

Sex Lives of Wives: Reigniting the Passion
by Holly H. Hollenbeck

Just what are married women in their thirties, forties, and fifties doing to keep the passion alive in their marriages? In her search to answer that question for herself, Holly Hollenbeck put together a "Passion Seekers" support group. The women shared stories about the missing passion in their marriages and ways they've found to fight bedroom boredom.

In Sex Lives of Wives, Holly examines years of research and confessions from real women and she'll share what she's learned about creative (and sometimes destructive) lengths to which they will go to find the missing passion. From discovering ways to make your man feel sexy so that you feel sexy, to using fantasy and play to spice up your sex life - even stories of infidelity and swinging - the wives in this book have shared their wisdom from lessons learned, sometimes the hard way. It will inspire women everywhere to embark on their own passion quest, form their own support groups, and most importantly, make passion a priority.

Chapter 1

Journeys Begin to Rediscover the Passion

Why Seek the Passion?

Has sex become a chore at home, just another task to complete before we go to sleep? We get so busy taking care of others - our kids, clients, bosses, friends, extended family, etc. - that at times we forget to take care of ourselves and our mate. Sometimes we do not exercise or eat right, let alone make sure we have a healthy dose of sexual interaction. We often are so busy with everything that our sexuality takes a backseat.

Do our sexual needs ever really go away? We are sometimes reminded of those urges when we read a romance novel, when that young trainer leans over to give us a spot in the gym, when the sexy grocery-store clerk smiles at us, or maybe when our coworker flirts with us. We fantasize and masturbate. We remember and imagine. We would like to have the ultimate fantasy: a passionate and intimate relationship - the happily ever after. Why then do we seem to have so little energy to put into our sex life with our mate?

We hear a lot about married women and lost libido. Books are dedicated to the subject of boosting the libido and finding the medical and emotional causes of loss of interest in sex. Of course, there are many situations in which a woman's sex drive is low or nonexistent due to actual physical or emotional problems. These issues and their possible treatments are outside the scope of this book. The issue for many of us, however, is not lost libido but rather our own lack of focus on our sexual needs, or perhaps the misdirection of that focus. We rarely put much time or energy into our sexual relationship with our mate. We need to think about all the effort we devote to our children, our careers, and/or our communities, and then look at how much time we actually give to our sexual relationship. Often there is no comparison. Our sexual relationship is way, way down the list of priorities.

The issue is our own lack of focus on our sexual needs, or perhaps the misdirection of that focus.

Giving our sexual relationship such a low priority is really hurting us, much more than we care to admit. We are hurt because the intimacy we crave with our mate is lost. We are hurt because our innate sexual needs are being ignored. We are hurt because we are missing out on a lot of "that feels great" in our lives. We can work ourselves like machines, taking care of everyone and everything until we drop at night, then getting up and doing it again the next day. Or we can start paying a little attention to those inner desires again and start feeding them. The rewards will be huge. Those days of looking forward to intimate time alone with our mate will return, and sex will no longer be a chore. Our relationship can only improve when we start putting a little time and effort into seeking passionate encounters.

If we continue to place a low priority on sex, we are only hurting ourselves, and, in the long run, our neglect will have a detrimental effect on even the best of relationships. How does placing a low priority on our sex lives affect our husband or long-term mate? We all know how much the men in our lives value sex, and we need to realize that they value it for many of the same reasons we should value it - the intimacy and closeness it creates with our mate, not to mention the sheer pleasure.

The Seven Reasons to Seek Passion with Our Mate

(Advantages to Placing a High Priority on Our Sexual Relationship)

• Increases intimacy
• Feeds our innate sexual needs
• Provides a lot of "that feels great" in our life
• Improves the overall health of our relationship
• Reduces the risk of becoming a statistic
• Provides a great tension reliever and mood elevator
• Provides a creative outlet and an avenue of great fun

When my friends and I got home from our first unofficial passion quest support meeting, every one of our mates got laid. Having spent some time confiding in our friends about sex, having shared some secrets, having made suggestions, we were suddenly energized to not only have sex but have it enthusiastically. Just that little bit of focus on our sex lives triggered the innate desire within us.

Right away, when we began exploring the paths to rediscover the passion, our relationships were dramatically affected - and I am not just talking about in the bedroom. This is because our sexual lives have a powerful and profound effect on our relationships as a whole. The depth of this impact will become crystal clear when we explore the real-life experiences of women who journeyed out, seeking to rediscover their sexual selves and the "passion pot of gold."

One friend of mine told me about the dramatic change in her relationship with her mate when she simply eliminated thirty minutes of nighttime television and instead spent the time "messing around" with him in bed. She decided that she could accomplish a more complete state of relaxation by cuddling and sharing massages with him than she could by passively watching TV. The time together often led to sex, and even when it did not, the small effort on her part did not go unnoticed. Soon her husband was much more agreeable and much more attentive to her needs both in the bedroom and out.

I have made an impact on my own relationship with an effort as small as occasionally buying the latest book on sexual technique and trying something new every time I have sex. This usually results in my husband picking up the book, reading it, and sharing in the application of the "new" sexual approach. (Trust me, putting a book about sex on the nightstand all but guarantees our man will pick it up and look at it.) Some techniques or positions, because of their absurdness, result in fits of laughter, and others my husband and I agree we shall certainly use again. In any case, just that little bit of effort on my part results in a wonderful return in intimacy.

The purpose here is to share real-life sexual experiences - both minor and major - with the goal of helping us find renewed sexual passion in our life. Sometimes the path toward rediscovery is a long and difficult one. Sometimes minor efforts are not enough, and sometimes dramatic efforts have a major negative impact on our relationship. The journeys each of us take to reignite the passion are unique, but the resulting discoveries allow for some universal observations. By sharing experiences with each other, we learn what might work for our relationship and what might not. Learning about each other's mistakes along the way may help us avoid pitfalls and seek more productive paths. Ultimately, we will realize the need and the benefit to actively seeking a more fulfilling and passionate sex life in our long-term relationship.

Copyright © 2006 by Helarie Hollenbeck

About the Author

Holly H. Hollenbeck, a former attorney, founded passionseekers.com, where thousands of women discuss their intimate lives. She also conducts Passion Seekers seminars and workshops. Holly lives in Omaha with her husband and two children.