Act Like You Want To Marry A Mensch : Part 3

How to Marry a Mensch: The Love Coach's Guide to Finding Your Mate
by Robin Gorman Newman

(Page 3 of 3)

Every Mensch Has A Mother

I can't end this chapter without addressing this critical topic. Every mensch has a mother, so what does that mean for you? True, you're not marrying his family, but he does come with a built-in set of in-laws, extended family and perhaps siblings, and you will be the new kid in the mishbucha (family), if you stand at the chuppah (marriage canopy at a wedding).

When meeting your mensch's parents and other relatives, ask yourself this: Do they welcome you with open arms or do you feel scrutinized? A little scrutiny is probably natural, but you don't want to feel like you're constantly being given the once-over. Do they express interest in your work and well-being? How do they get along with your parents and family? (At the very least, they have to respect and befriend each other at the wedding.)

Are these people you'd want to celebrate Thanksgiving with, among other holidays, birthdays, etc.? And, what are their expectations of you once you join the family? Does his mother cook a family dinner every Friday night that you must religiously attend? Are you expected to buy a house on the same block they live on? And what if you have children? Will they be excited and supportive, or make you feel like you don't know how to be a good mother?

Working Things Out

A difficult in-law situation can create a lot of tension for you and your mensch, so it's important to know what you might be facing from the get-go. I have heard many real-life stories on this subject, and it's amazing the challenges that in-laws can sometimes pose.

Risa, a friend, has shared with me the pressure she feels because her in-laws live in Israel, and when they come to the States to visit several times a year, they expect to stay with her and her husband and their young child. While she and her husband have adequate space for his parents, Risa never knows exactly how long they'll be staying, and is expected to do their laundry, cook meals, etc., on top of taking care of her toddler son. And, her husband does little to help because he feels that this is a wife's "job." She loves her husband and accepts his belief system, but she has her moments of frustration when she gets overwhelmed.

A woman I know, Kari, tells the story of her father-in-law and how he openly criticizes her in front of her young daughter and makes her feel like she's an inadequate mother. She struggles to get him to respect her, but it's not easy.

Jill, a friend, has discussed with me how each time her mother-in-law comes to visit (thankfully, for her sake, not often), she takes it upon herself to rearrange Jill's cabinets. She has a system for organizing dishes that she feels Jill should adopt. Jill is used to it, and has learned to try to look at it in a humorous way, but at the beginning, it felt very demeaning.

This is not by any means to imply that it's not possible to have a warm, loving, inviting relationship with your future in-laws. It's also not to say that all family situations are perfect. If you are looking for that, finding a spouse will become that much more challenging. Have an awareness of the nature of the family you're potentially entering in to, so you are not completely caught off guard. If your prospective in-laws are very different than you, that is okay, as long as there is mutual respect. You don't have to hang out together all the time, but you don't want to be at perpetual odds either.

My friend Ellie and her husband, bought a house right next door to his parents. They loved the area, and when the house unexpectedly came up for sale, they jumped on it. Ellie adores her in-laws, and even though they are next-door neighbors, they don't spend every waking moment together. However, being that close gives them all a strong sense of family and security, and that's a real bonus to any relationship.

Another woman I know, Tara, got married and bought a house in the same neighborhood as her parents but wound up living at home with her parents and her husband. Tara and her husband have been remodeling the house for several years now, but Tara admits that she is so close to her parents that they socialize as couples and she doesn't know if they'll ever live in the house they bought. They might just wind up selling it and making a profit. Tara's spouse is agreeable to living with her parents. This domestic arrangement would surely not be for everyone!

The Mensch Doesn't Fall Far > From the Tree

Remember that a mensch doesn't fall far from the family tree, so you want to take a look at his parents to get a better indication of who he really is. Do they appear to be mensches? Is their marriage solid and supportive? Are they excited that their son has found someone who makes him happy or is his mother threatened by you? Of course, he won't be exactly like them, but you might get a sense of those qualities, good or bad, that he has inherited from his parents. It can help to understand his attitude toward life if you spend a time talking with his folks and seeing how they view things. Were they raised during the Depression, and how did that impact them? Are they downbeat, critical people who rarely pay a complement? What interests do they have? Is your future husband afraid to speak up to them?

If one or more of his parents is, unfortunately, deceased, then you obviously won't have the same opportunity. But, you can also learn a lot about the kind of person your mensch is by noting his attitude toward a departed parent. How does he talk about his parents? Is it evident that he loved them? Does he discuss them often, and with fond remembrance? Does he display favorite photos of them? Does he walk around depressed over the loss even though it was quite some time ago? (This could be a red flag that he's never gotten over it.)

When you can marry a mensch, and he comes with a mensch family, you have the best of all marital worlds.

Exercise: Make Your Mensch Checklist

I hate the word checklist, but most people have one, so let's take a look at yours. Take out your Socializing Notebook. On a sheet, make two columns and list in one column 15 qualities (it there are that many) that you are seeking in a mensch. In the other column, list what you don't want in a mate. Then cross out five traits from each column that you could accept not having on your list. What you have just created is a more realistic "checklist" of what to look for in someone.

To give you some idea of how to go about this. In the column with the traits you are seeking, you might look for such things as physical appeal, cleanliness, views toward life, desire for children, smarts, energy, chemistry, compassion, common sense, and relationship with family.

In the column with those qualities you can't tolerate, give consideration to such things as dishonesty, temperament, drug or alcohol usage, smoking, politeness, irresponsible spending habits, and gambling.

Copyright © 2006 by Robin Gorman Newman

About the Author

Robin Gorman Newman is "The Love Coach" (www.lovecoach.com), with a strong presence on TV, on radio, and in print, launched by her earlier book, How to Meet a Mensch in New York, which has sold over 20,000 copies.