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Chuck The Checklist And The Matzo Meal

A person need not be Jewish to be a mensch, as we've clarified. Mensches come in all sizes, shapes, sexes and religions, and they don't necessarily love matzo balls or know how to make them. Each has his own menschisms, meaning manners, personality, and behavior. You must not judge a person by how you think they should act based on preconceived notions or stereotypes. Establish what you want in a mate, but be open-minded. One more time: You can never get everything! This doesn't mean compromising standards, just being flexible and realistic and prioritizing.

Think clearly about what makes for a good marriage. Look at couples you know who are happy. Do they talk to each other a lot? Are they both ambitious? Do they enjoy doing things together? Are they of equal intelligence? Do they both pitch in when it comes to taking care of the kids and/or their home? These are important questions.

A person is not bad just because he doesn't act as you would hope. You can't judge another's actions if they fall short of your own, unless you feel taken advantage of by them. If that's the case, the relationship isn't a healthy one, and you should be aware of that. It is a lot to assume a love interest, or even friend or family member will meet all your expectations. One way to look at it is that all individuals dwell in their own world and have a belief system they create for themselves. Due in large part to our upbringing and past history, our belief system, which may be false, will easily rule our thoughts and not allow us to respect the differences in people. It can also block you from meeting a mensch because you are so fixated on making sure he "measures up" that no one will meet your sky-high standards.

We are influenced by what we perceive a marriage should be from witnessing our parent's marriage, good or bad. We were also each raised to believe that life has certain possibilities or limitations, and this influences our thinking. The right mate can potentially help you get past that, but ideally you are able to work on yourself so that you can make the right choice in a mensch, and not look to someone to make you whole or happy. You might be happier with a mensch by your side, but your MRM shouldn't be your sole source of joy. Often we choose mates to help us resolve issues from the past or even to bring to the surface challenging relationships we've had with parents, so we can learn to rise above.

Take a look at a free spirit, if you know one. Free spirits live in the moment, don't overanalyze, go about their lives, etc. Notice how they may socialize with abandon and date up a storm. Perhaps because they live for today, they are able to take each date for what it's worth without attaching an outcome to it. Imagine how freeing that might be. Pretend you are a free spirit. Can you? Do you think it would enable you to date more? Would dates become more fun because you're less nervous about how each one might turn out? Would you open your mind to different types of people? Would your conversation be more upbeat because you're not focusing on your dating history, disappointments, etc.? Would you be able to stop trying to determine if each guy is Mr. Right Mensch (especially during the date) because you are placing greater reliance on your inner faith and trust that it will happen for you when it's meant to?

Give-and-take is part of any relationship, and we all come to a relationship with a different sent of values and experiences. These have an impact on our expectations of a mate. If you marry someone similar to yourself in terms of interests and attitude, it is more likely that you'll have a good marriage. One of the keys to a fulfilling relationship is knowing that you can actually live without one — that you'd be okay and could fend for yourself. It takes a lot of pressure off you if you aren't looking for someone to take care of you, but rather someone to complement you.

Act Like You Want To Marry A Mensch... Don't Just Think It

You need to make meeting Mr. Right Mensch a priority in your heart and mind. Many single people say they want to get married, but don't act like they do. I mentioned this earlier but want to reinforce it here. These people think about it and are convinced it's a priority, but when push comes to shove, they really aren't committed to making marriage a reality. If you take to heart just one message from this book, I hope it is this: Saying something and really wanting it enough to do something about it are two different things.

Does that make sense to you? Are you able to proclaim with complete conviction that you really want to get married sooner rather than later, or do you just think you do? You can save yourself a lot of agony, if you admit to yourself that you can, in fact, live without becoming a Mrs. Mensch. There is nothing wrong with being single, but it's up to you to decide what you want for your future. Many people are unmarried, unattached,even celibate and happy. You have the choice.

Whose voice are you hearing in your head when it comes to marriage? Is it your own? Your mother's? Your father's? Your best frien's? Your dry cleaner's? Your manicurist's? The postman's? The pizza delivery guy's? The mensch next door's? Is it society telling you marriage is what you should want, rather than you saying it yourself?

Let's Get Started

It comes down to this: To find a mate, you must be open-minded, get out of the house, not judge someone in the first five minutes, and maintain a positive attitude. That might sound like a lot to think about, so let's start here. If you want to lose weight, it is often recommended that you use a visualization technique and act like a thin person. If you can imagine yourself slim, perhaps it will be easier to motivate yourself to spend more time in the gym, squeeze in that walk around the block, and pass on the Milky Way or Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream that you routinely eat on a dateless evening when you're feeling sorry for yourself. Imagining can make it feel like something attainable. Sure it's okay to indulge every now 'n then, but you don't want to make an ongoing date with Ben or Jerry!

Let's apply the same visualization principle to finding a mensch. Practice thinking like an active dater. Give people a chance. Have patience. Choose men who have the potential to take an interest in you. Schedule regular evenings out where you might meet someone. Get on the mailing or e-mail list from organizations or social groups whose events interest you. Revamp your wardrobe if you think it needs an update. Try a new hair salon and change your look to see who it attracts and if it makes you feel better about yourself.

When I lectured once about my first book, HOW TO MEET A MENSCH IN NEW YORK, before a crowd of close to 100 men and women in their 20s and 30s, I invited three of my single girlfriends to attend. It was a dinner social on a Friday evening after work. My presentation went over well, but as soon as it ended, I saw my friends in the rear of the room bolting for the door and sending me urgent hand signals to hurry so we could leave.

Before I could exit, however, I had to spend time signing copies of my book and give personal advice to people approaching me with specific questions. As this happened, I was approached by three good-looking, seemingly nice, intelligent guys who wanted to chat with me. While I talked to them, my eyes quickly searched for my three girlfriends who, of course, were no where to be found. All I could think of was what a lost opportunity for them to meet three potentially desirable men. It would have been worth a shot. They certainly didn't come that evening solely to speak to me.

Afterwards, driving home in the car, I asked my friends if they had fun and what they thought of the crowd. Not surprisingly, they labeled the evening "a big disappointment.... a waste of time, and lousy food to boot." When I told them about the three guys I met, they said, "Oh well. The crowd didn't look attractive overall, so we figured we would call it a night."

They lost out, and what a shame. While they made the effort to be there, were they really making a concerted effort to seize the socializing moment? What do you think? What would you say to yourself afterwards if you were one of these women who missed an opportunity? Would you have even realized that perhaps you lost out? It would have been in their best interests to at least give it their all. Instead, they gave it a next-to-nothing try.

The lesson here is to take a hard look at your socializing efforts. It's not enough to put yourself in a place where you might meet someone, if you have a habit of leaving a function or party before you give people a chance or typically spend time with the wrong kind of person for you. It takes some soul-searching and emotional strength to admit that there is more you could do to be a power socializer. You might have to seize the bull by the horns and make some major attitude adjustments, and that doesn't come easily for anyone.

Copyright © 2006 by Robin Gorman Newman

Tags: Finding Love and Soulmate (For Women)

About the Author

Robin Gorman Newman is "The Love Coach" (www.lovecoach.com), with a strong presence on TV, on radio, and in print, launched by her earlier book, How to Meet a Mensch in New York, which has sold over 20,000 copies.