Healthy Shame? True Versus False Guilt

Deceived by Shame, Desired by God
by Cynthia Spell Humbert

(Page 4 of 5)

Working hard and performing well in school became a way for Lisa to feel better about herself. It also distracted her from the loss and pain the abortion caused. Teachers noticed her efforts and rewarded her with new responsibilities. In this way, for the first time in her life, Lisa felt encouraged. Her diligence at school earned her high praise and many teachers voiced high expectations for her future. But the future crashed to a screeching halt when at age seventeen she again saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test.

This time, Lisa vowed to keep the baby, but being pregnant as a high school senior carried a visible shame. She was the "responsible" student that no one ever expected to make a mistake, and it hurt knowing that she had disappointed all her teachers. Yet she never let anyone know she was hurting. She covered her pain with a smile because as a people pleaser, she feared even more rejection if people saw her pain.

Just after her daughter's first birthday, Lisa chose to marry the child's father. Two years later, she accepted Christ as her Savior and started allowing God to begin the process of healing her from her shame. She worked through a Bible study at a local pregnancy crisis center in order to deal with the guilt of her abortion. Now, ten years later, she and her husband have two precious daughters and are active in their local church.

This is not a Cinderella story, though. In the real world, there are no "happily-ever-afters." Getting better requires a lot of hard work and a continual acceptance of God's grace. For instance, Lisa initially joined a Bible study for post-abortion syndrome (PAS) to help her forgive herself and deal with the grief and guilt of her abortion. Later, she had recovered enough to serve on the staff of a crisis pregnancy center where God now uses her to guide other young women to choose life.

"Even in the darkest pit of my life, Jesus loved me," Lisa often shares. "In spite of my self and my sin, He never stopped calling me. He never stopped looking for me and pursuing me. To deny my past would be to deny Him because He has — remarkably — used it all to His glory. Each day, God fills me with hope that He will use me. Satan may have had some early victories, but Christ has won the battle! I continue seeking to understand and grow into what God wants for my life."

Healthy Shame?

The very thought of a positive, healthy side to shame initially sent chills up and down my spine and caused severe nausea! Since shame has such a negative connotation in the area of recovery, it took a while for me to understand healthy shame and the positive purpose it serves. Although the focus of this book is not on the positive aspect of shame, you need to be aware of it.

"Biblical shame is an appropriate, healthy response when we acknowledge that we are different and less than God made us and that we are separated from Him by our sin," writes Dr. Sandra Wilson in Released from Shame. "Although we bear the image of God, sin radically altered our fundamental natures. Sin separates us from ourselves as originally created. Sin separates us from our original Creator."

With this perspective, consider how "healthy" shame:

• Reminds us that we are not God.
• Reminds us that to be human is to make mistakes.
• Separates our behavior (what we do) from our identity (who we are).
• Helps protect us from repeating painful behavior by setting boundaries with others.
• Points out our need for a Savior to restore our separated relationship with God.

True Versus False Guilt

We may also experience a healthy, truthful form of spiritual shame or guilt when we feel convicted of doing something wrong. The Holy Spirit often speaks by tugging at our hearts with feelings of guilt. Jesus taught about this conviction in John 16:8: "When he (the Holy Spirit) comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment." The Holy Spirit desires to convict us of sinful thoughts and actions so that we will pursue being changed and restored into close relationship to God through confession and repentance. He works to change the attitude of our hearts and to woo us back home.

However, many of us who have struggled with shame-based thinking and a critical conscience are easy prey for "false guilt." False guilt happens when we feel guilty for things that are not sin. We fall right back into shaming ourselves when we feel guilty for morally neutral human failures like locking keys in a car, burning the dinner casserole, or forgetting to mail a birthday card on time. People living with false guilt may use the internal nickname "stupid" on a daily basis! We say things in our self-talk that we would never dare to say out loud or to anyone else. The bottom line? False guilt is based on lies, and it does nothing but cause emotional damage.

If you showed up in my office for a counseling session, it wouldn't take long for you to figure out that my favorite verse to use in a therapy is John 8:32. In fact, all of my former clients have heard it so many times they can recite it: "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

God desires to bring us truth and freedom in the inner parts of our being and thinking in order to produce healing changes. He longs to help us clean out the lies we believe, pull up the hidden roots of shame and replace them with the gentle truth and assurance of His unconditional love for us. That may seem like a foreign language here in the first chapter, but if you read to the end, I know the truth can set you free.

I've gratefully been led to that freedom in my own life, and I've seen freedom in the lives of many others. It will not happen overnight, but nothing worth keeping usually does. Instead, it will take dedication on your part and a willingness to submit to God's gentle guidance. Here are some steps that will make your journey more successful.

© 2001 NavPress. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Cynthia Spell Humbert was a therapist with the Minirth-Meier Clinic for seven years and was a frequent guest speaker on the Clinic's national radio program. Cynthia is vulnerably real, exposing the frailty in her own life to create a bridge for her audience between pain and potential. Above all, she is a woman who loves the Lord and recognizes His sovereignty and grace as being the single answer to our deepest cry. Cynthia will touch you. She is a teacher with a heart that is minute-by-minute responsive to the Holy Spirit, and a shepherd's way of taking you where He leads. Along the way, she testifies passionately to Christ's sacrificial and unconditional love in our lives regardless of who we are or what we've done. This is a woman who has been blessed to be a blessing to others. Her credentials and experience as a Christian therapist, nationally popular speaker, and author have made her a compelling and effective witness, but it is her heart that will reach you. And it is her message, regardless of her topic, that will convict and convince you that it is from a broken heart that God shapes the pieces of a masterpiece.