Understanding Shame

Deceived by Shame, Desired by God
by Cynthia Spell Humbert

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Shame is a paralyzing emotion in which the afflicted person believes irreparable damage has been done to the deepest part of her soul. Shame may not necessarily originate from a behavior perceived as shameful. Rather, sufferers describe this feeling as an internal wound so painful and heavy that it makes them feel flawed for even existing.

Before Adam and Eve disobeyed God, "they were naked and not ashamed" (Genesis 2:25). In this case, Adam and Eve's unabashed nakedness conveyed their sense of being totally open and exposed before God. Nakedness symbolized their authentic and true selves. They lived a life of complete honesty with each other and with God. There was nothing to hide — they easily accepted themselves and felt no shame.

However, immediately after they sinned, they ran to hide from God because they knew they were now naked and exposed. They immediately felt a deep sense of shame. Shame is a lie from Satan because it involves a deeply felt perception of permanent unacceptability — to God, to others, and to self. That explains why shame pushes people to hide their true selves. They fear that if you see the real them, you will be appalled and reject them.

Consequently, those struggling with shame spend lots of time and energy creating a "cover-up" to hide it from God and others. They hope that in this way their sin and brokenness will go unnoticed. But shame is like an internal weed with far reaching roots that strangle healthy thinking, emotions, and actions.

In Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Brads haw explores different levels of shame including the most serious, toxic, life-destroying shame. Toxic shame involves an excruciatingly internal experience of unexpected and unwanted exposure. It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside. It divides you from yourself and from others. Why? In this case, you disown yourself, and this disowning demands a cover-up. Toxic shame loves darkness and secretiveness.

Shame always produces shame. If parents or caregivers are filled with it, they will pass some degree of it along to the next generation. For instance, you may learn to feel shame about who you are when a parent or caregiver neglects or abuses you — emotionally, verbally, spiritually, physically, or sexually. Furthermore, caregivers who are actively trapped in addictions have no emotional inheritance to offer their children except a legacy of hopelessness and shame. But you can feel shamed by relatives, your peer group, society, and even your church as well.

No wonder shame makes people afraid of intimate relationships. There is a deep fear that if you find out how messed up I really am, you will abandon me. Those struggling with shame often view others as "normal," acceptable, and lovable. Yet, they see themselves as flawed, damaged, and different. It becomes as natural as breathing for them to shame themselves with critical self-talk.

Ultimately, shame creates a feeling of being lost and confused, not knowing what you feel or how to communicate with others. It is impossible to let someone else know you if you don't even know yourself. So, the shame-driven person uses even more energy to cover up and keep secrets by assuming a role — that of the false self. It takes so much energy to keep hiding that there's scarcely energy left for anything else. Too often, this hiding from yourself and others causes great loneliness and suffering.

Walking Through Shame

Lisa could hardly remember a time when she did not feel ashamed. In fact, one of her earliest memories was of her first grade teacher pulling her aside and telling her not to come back to class "in those same filthy clothes." Humiliated and crushed, Lisa pretended that no one overheard in order to cope with the comment. But at age six, she already knew the shame and desperation of her situation — she didn't need the teacher's reminder. Her parents were divorced, and her mother was a raging alcoholic who had no time for her children. There was rarely enough food to eat and certainly no one to care about clean clothes.

She and her sister were left for days to fend for themselves. The least of their worries was to figure out how to use a washing machine. During the worst of times, she and her sister would go to a neighbor's house for food. The Arnolds were an older couple who fed the girls, let them soak in warm bubble baths, and washed their clothes. There was always a Bible on the kitchen table, and Mrs. Arnold would sit at her piano and teach the girls to sing "Jesus Loves Me."

This couple not only told the girls about Jesus, they loved the girls and showed them genuine Christian compassion. Lisa says her first hunger to know God was as a result of the tender love and care the Arnolds expressed. The girls never felt rejected in that safe home.

However, as Lisa grew up, she felt more and more worthless. She told herself that she must be repulsively flawed if even her own parents did not love her. She was deeply ashamed of her home and her life and constantly felt an empty ache inside of longing to be loved, valued, and accepted. She tried desperately to fill the void through a sexual relationship with a teenage boy and at age fifteen discovered that she was pregnant. Her stepmother pressured her to have an abortion. At the time, Lisa thought she had no choice in the matter, so she showed up for her appointment. The family kept the abortion silent, but the pain in Lisa's heart screamed at her each day for years.

© 2001 NavPress. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Cynthia Spell Humbert was a therapist with the Minirth-Meier Clinic for seven years and was a frequent guest speaker on the Clinic's national radio program. Cynthia is vulnerably real, exposing the frailty in her own life to create a bridge for her audience between pain and potential. Above all, she is a woman who loves the Lord and recognizes His sovereignty and grace as being the single answer to our deepest cry. Cynthia will touch you. She is a teacher with a heart that is minute-by-minute responsive to the Holy Spirit, and a shepherd's way of taking you where He leads. Along the way, she testifies passionately to Christ's sacrificial and unconditional love in our lives regardless of who we are or what we've done. This is a woman who has been blessed to be a blessing to others. Her credentials and experience as a Christian therapist, nationally popular speaker, and author have made her a compelling and effective witness, but it is her heart that will reach you. And it is her message, regardless of her topic, that will convict and convince you that it is from a broken heart that God shapes the pieces of a masterpiece.