The Many Reflections of Shame

Deceived by Shame, Desired by God
by Cynthia Spell Humbert

Rape, incest, alcoholism, addiction, divorce, bitterness, gossip, abortion. The list could go on and on with ways sin poisons our lives. Whether the sin is self-imposed or committed by someone else, it always has the potential to cause us a deep-seated sense of shame. This toxic emotion often convinces us we are irreparably damaged at our very core. Sadly, the hurt doesn't end there. All too often, shame brings about additional self-destructive behavior, and the never-ending cycle of sin and shame continues, leading us even further from a relationship with God.

The enemy wants you to believe the lie that there is something terribly, and permanently, wrong with you, but God, your Father — the magnificent Creator of the universe — is shouting out the life-giving truth that there is nothing about you or your past that cannot be redeemed. Learn how the healing love of God can bring good out of your darkest, most shameful secrets.

Chapter 1

The Greatest Deception: Enough Shame to Cover Everyone

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter
of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured
the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down
at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful
men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:2-3 I Have ruined everything!" Catherine shouted through her tears. "Just look at my child! I don't even know who her father is! How will I ever explain that to her? God could never forgive me for being such a failure!" The forlorn twenty-two-year-old woman clutched her newborn baby and rocked back and forth on the sofa, inconsolable.

Mothers usually don't bring their children along to counseling sessions. So it surprised me when Catherine introduced herself in the waiting room earlier that morning with her infant in tow. The moment we met, she began apologizing profusely, explaining that she couldn't find a sitter and had no family in town to help her with emergency child care.

It turns out that this new client felt apologetic about a whole lot more than that. Through many emotionally charged sessions, I began understanding the vast stores of hurt, anger, and damage she had tucked away in her heart — the specific reasons why she felt regretful and depressed so much of the time.

First of all, she had grown up as a pastor's daughter and felt like she lived in a fish bowl. Somehow people only saw a perfect family behind the glass — not the one terrorized by a controlling, manipulative man who batted her and her brother around if their rooms fell out of perfect order. Other times, her father needed no excuse to shove them into the walls or hit them with his fist or his belt in places where others couldn't see the marks. When her mother tried to protect the children from his wrath, he would turn on her too.

After discussing the troubled relationship with her father session after session, I finally encouraged her to discuss how her mother treated her. "Tenderly," she had softly answered. And as an adult, it saddened Catherine to realize how dependent and fearful her mother must have been of this tyrant.

"My mother was the only calming factor in my early life," Catherine sniffled. "She held us a lot and prayed with us. I remember her encouraging me to put my faith and trust in God. So, I viewed my relationship with God as my life raft in the sea of pain and confusion caused by my father. I found a sweet security knowing that God loved me uniquely and cared about my feelings." The distraught young woman paused a moment and then sobbed so energetically that it choked the rest of her words for several minutes.

Though Catherine continued maturing in her faith as a teen by reading the Bible daily and devouring as many books regarding Christianity as she could get her hands on, her past caught up with her in college. At that point, she fell into a severe depression from so many years of stuffing her feelings.

Why would God allow her father to continually taunt and abuse her and the rest of the family while he claimed to be a godly man? Her anger and confusion mounted the more she thought about his hidden alter ego. His on-the-job life of preaching on Sundays and faithfully ministering to the congregation throughout the week made a perfect foil to his at-home behavior. There, he only mentioned God to manipulate her. If, for instance, she did not do things perfectly and obey his demands, he threatened that God would no longer love her.

Instead of seeking therapy at that point, she began numbing her pain with alcohol and casual sexual relationships.

"But I sobered up pretty quickly when I missed my period," she explained as tears streamed down her cheeks. "I had been with two different men that month, and I don't know which one is the father. It doesn't really matter. They aren't the kind of guys who would care about helping with a baby. I mentioned the pregnancy to one of them, and he laughed and told me it probably wasn't his, and that since I was such a slut, I should go to the nearest abortion clinic. At least I didn't have an abortion. I knew two wrongs couldn't make one right, and that I had to keep the baby."

Looking down at her sleeping daughter, she wondered aloud if God could ever love her again. Would anyone want to marry someone like her? And why, oh why, did she walk away from God and make such bad choices?

Consequences of Sin

Unfortunately, Catherine's not the only one to lament like this.

In a split-second of disobedience, Adam and Eve suffered immediate negative consequences, and they and everyone else have been suffering ever since. The brokenness I see every day stems from this original sin. In Adam and Eve's case, the consequences of sin caused them to:

• Feel ashamed of their nakedness and try to cover up.
• Open the world to sin and death, destroying paradise.
• Sever their formerly unhampered connection to God and to eternal life.
• Fear God and hide from Him.
• Reject God's attempt at restoring fellowship because they doubted His ability to forgive them for their disobedience.
• Prompt God to set into motion a plan of grace and redemption.

In The Gift to All People, Max Lucado reflects on the consequences of original sin: "The moment the forbidden fruit touched the lips of Eve, the shadow of a cross appeared on the horizon. And between that moment and the moment the man with the mallet placed the spike against the wrist of God, a master plan was fulfilled."

It's important to understand that sin always involves a choice. And no matter what sin you choose, it will be like every other sin across the span of human history in that it involves disobeying God.

© 2001 NavPress. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Cynthia Spell Humbert was a therapist with the Minirth-Meier Clinic for seven years and was a frequent guest speaker on the Clinic's national radio program. Cynthia is vulnerably real, exposing the frailty in her own life to create a bridge for her audience between pain and potential. Above all, she is a woman who loves the Lord and recognizes His sovereignty and grace as being the single answer to our deepest cry. Cynthia will touch you. She is a teacher with a heart that is minute-by-minute responsive to the Holy Spirit, and a shepherd's way of taking you where He leads. Along the way, she testifies passionately to Christ's sacrificial and unconditional love in our lives regardless of who we are or what we've done. This is a woman who has been blessed to be a blessing to others. Her credentials and experience as a Christian therapist, nationally popular speaker, and author have made her a compelling and effective witness, but it is her heart that will reach you. And it is her message, regardless of her topic, that will convict and convince you that it is from a broken heart that God shapes the pieces of a masterpiece.