Who Is the Hurt Child? Part 2

Parenting the Hurt Child : Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
by Regina M. Kupecky, LSW, Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D.

(Page 4 of 4)

Choosing the Right Kind of Therapy

To maximize the effectiveness of therapy for a child with attachment difficulties, treatment must be directly related to the problems that the family and the child are experiencing. Specific problems warrant specific solutions, and boilerplate methods serve no purpose. In most cases, finding the right therapist to point out the right path is the first step toward family harmony. We continue to hear complaints from adoptive parents stating that mental health professionals blame them for their children's current problems. It is an unfortunate fact that many of those who attempt to provide treatment to adoptive parents with disturbed children know very little about issues related to adoption and are not well versed in the potential damage that early trauma can cause. This is particularly alarming when we realize that besides failing to provide effective therapy, these well-meaning professionals solidify the child's existing pathology and complicate subsequent therapeutic efforts. It is not unusual for us to work with families who have seen four to six mental health professionals with little or no results.

DETH, ADOPTED AT AGE EIGHTEEN MONTHS, IS NOW TWENTY-FOUR YEARS old. She was in treatment with a psychologist to discover why she had such a hard time making commitments - to both other people and to a job. She suspected that her early life had impacted her adult life, and she began to educate her therapist about adoption and attachment issues. Finally, she became frustrated with his comments, such as, "I didn't know that," and "Can I borrow your books?" Ultimately, she grew weary of spending her money to educate her therapist and switched to an adoption-friendly professional who soon had her on the right road.

The reason for this ineffectiveness in treatment is startling in its simplicity. While graduate training enables therapists to deal with the neurotic personality, it does not adequately prepare them to deal with children who have not yet made it to a developmental level that is complex enough to be neurotic.

What Makes Therapy Fail

Young people with developmental delays - whether social, psychological, or cognitive - tend to be extremely skilled at figuring out the traditional therapist's goals and style. They effectively assume the role of victim, and the therapist responds with sympathy. Rarely does a clinician challenge a victim child, which is precisely what needs to be done when the child is faking it. When the therapist buys into the victim positioning, his sympathetic response serves to empower the child - and disempower the parent.

To compound the situation, many children who have experienced neglect, abuse, and abandonment have not yet developed an internalized set of values by which they judge themselves and others. They are not able to receive and experience empathy - nor can they develop insight - so they tend to project blame onto others and onto objects. They blame their adoptive parents for causing their anger, and they blame toys for breaking. They blame things that could not possibly be responsible for anything!

Most often, children or adolescents who engage in projecting blame have not yet developed a conscience. They become adept at engaging others in a superficial manner, amplifying the distorted reality that exists with their therapists. They even manage to draw teachers and others into their web of delusion, making these outsiders to the family feel that these "poor children" are quite easy to be around and are truly misunderstood by those who should know them best - their parents.

Many professionals are quick to endorse the helplessness of these children and their lack of social competence. While the young con artists are initially satisfied with their success at hooking yet another adult, they will ultimately hold him in contempt for "being so stupid."

Scores of therapists have fallen into this category and will be of little help to the child and his family if they continue to blame the parents or the family system for the child's difficulties. Character-disturbed children and adolescents are highly skilled in engaging the therapist when it should be the other way around.

It is an interesting dichotomy that the same therapists who are easily taken in by disturbed children find it difficult to work with the parents. Because their efforts are focused on helping the parents understand and tolerate the child, the implied - and sometimes direct - message is that the problem is one of parenting.

When parents are influenced to feel that their own issues are to blame, they may assume the "I need to change" role. Even when they objectively know that they were perfectly functional prior to becoming adoptive parents, they may be seduced into identifying themselves as the ones who should change. When their thinking no longer matches their experiences, they can feel crazy.

Mary, a single mom, adopted three children. "If one more person says what a saint I am, I may kill them! I feel like I want to kill these children at times, and I'm doing the best I can. When they tell me I'm a saint, I feel like a fraud. No one knows how angry I get at times."

Many parents with whom we have worked describe years of nonproductive therapy. At the suggestion of therapists whose empathy focused solely on the child, they kept charts of chores, doled out rewards and stickers, and imposed monetary fines. They compromised their values, altered their expectations, and skewed their rules. They were therapeutically robbed of their parenting roles, resulting in an unexpected shift of power from them to their troubled child. Once this occurred, there was little reason for their child to change.

After many failed attempts at therapy, adoptive parents frequently become defensive, guarded, and overly controlling in their relationships with therapists. Once this happens, the parents are likely to look as if they are, indeed, the ones who need help. We often ask parents, "Did you feel and act this crazy before you adopted Bobby?" When we approach them from a humorously empathic point of view, we generally get a response such as, "Finally, we've found someone who understands!"

What Makes Therapy Work?

In order to help the child with attachment difficulties, it is necessary to provide therapeutic support to his adoptive parents, as well. This serves a twofold benefit:

• To counteract years of minimization and disbelief by mental health professionals, teachers, social workers, and extended family members

• To enable parents to receive, process, and utilize the information the therapist gives them, because it is presented in an atmosphere of support

Let's face it - anyone will listen and respond more positively to an ally than to someone who is placing blame. What's more, they will be more open to making any necessary changes in their parenting techniques.

When the Smiths came to our center after internationally adopting two siblings, they were in crisis. Their adoption agency was bankrupt, and their extended family was uninterested in the children who weren't, after all, "real Smiths." The mom was angry, and the dad was in denial. As part of their treatment, we suggested that they join our support group for parents of children with attachment disorder. The other mothers rallied around the new mom, while the fathers quickly nudged the dad into reality. Soon they were able to laugh about the antics of their children and could hardly wait to share stories and solutions, and get advice from others in the group.

When working with adoptive parents, we always make it clear to them that they are not responsible for the problems their children have. They are, however, responsible for doing what they can to help alleviate them. While we don't blame them, we do expect them to assume a role that is strong, committed, resilient, and persevering.

The support we give is not carte blanche. While it is the parents' right and responsibility to call the shots in their families, it is our responsibility to help them make appropriate changes in their interactions with their children that coincide with our therapeutic work.

We are constantly amazed at the reports we hear about therapists who treat children without informing the parents of what happens in therapy. The parents of our young clients are always involved - either by their presence in the treatment room or in the observation room. Although we have high regard for the confidential nature of some therapy, we firmly believe that parents of character-disturbed children must be aware of what we are doing.

We are honest with the child, as well, and our openness has always proved effective. The hurt children with whom we have worked respond well to a contract that states, "Your parents are important people in your life. Because we believe they are the best people to help you, we want them to know everything that goes on in our work. There are no secrets here, and there will be no secrets about what goes on at home."

© 2002 NavPress. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Regina M. Kupecky, LSW, has worked in the adoption arena for over twenty-five years as an adoption placement worker. She is currently a co-therapist with Dr. Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D., at the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio. Mrs. Kupecky authored a resource guide, Siblings Are Family, Too, which is available through the Three Rivers Adoption Council in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She has presented at local, national, and international conferences on a variety of adoption topics and holds a Master of Arts degree from John Carroll University.

Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D., founded the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio, which specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents who have experienced developmental interruptions. In addition, he and his staff treat individuals and families who are faced with a variety of problems in the areas of adoption, attachment, substance abuse, sexual abuse, and adolescent difficulties.