Helping Your Hurt Child Heal, Grow, and Develop

Parenting the Hurt Child : Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
by Regina M. Kupecky, LSW, Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D.

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In the six years since Adopting the Hurt Child was published, we have been asked repeatedly about writing another book. Of course, we were flattered, but the mere thought of the undertaking was daunting.

Now we feel the time has come. We want to add to the information we have already imparted and give parents more tools to help them raise their hurt children. The past six years of ongoing work with families have given us new insights, ideas, and strategies that we want to share with parents to help their children heal, grow, and develop.

We want to make it clear that foster and adoptive parents are not responsible for the development of their children's problems. But they are responsible for creating the proper environment for change, the motivation for growth, the direction for improvement, and the security needed for comfortable attachment. Their roles are extensive, and if they are not fulfilled, their children cannot get well.

Parenting a hurt child may not be the kind of parenthood that some people envisioned when they responded to an advertisement about adding to their family. But anyone who wishes to take on the responsibility of fostering or adopting a child who has had early trauma needs to understand precisely what is to be expected. Once the choice is made to proceed, parents must know what they can do to help their new child heal.

It is our intent to give them information that will prepare them for troublesome - even dark - moments and to arm them for a loving battle. Many parents feel as if they are in combat, and most of them had no idea this is what the social worker meant when she said, "Jamie can be challenging and energetic."

Parenting hurt children can be difficult. But it can be less difficult . . . more fun . . . more effective . . . and more productive when you know who you are parenting and how to do it best. While your child may not always feel your help - or may not let on that he does - this is a normal part of the process. After all, how many of us recognized and appreciated what our own parents were doing for us as we were growing up?

As more and more adoptions of hurt children take place, there is a critical need to prepare the new parents for the challenges they will face. They require support from both the professional and the lay communities, because they are often misjudged and misinterpreted.

Early on, people speak of them as "saints." As time goes by, the child's disturbance begins to emerge. The parents' struggles and frustrations are revealed, and people pull away. They become judgmental, nonsupportive, and unsympathetic. These once "saintly" families withdraw, afraid to tell people what they are really going through. They think, "Who will understand?" "How could such a sweet child possibly be so much trouble?" "How could such a young child cause enormous turmoil among family members?"

These difficult situations are the ones that led us to write this book. We want to explore every option that will help families help their children. We want to enable parents to understand the very things that cause them distress . . . that cause them to reflect upon their capacity to parent. We want to give them as much hope as possible and to share some very specific strategies that may help make their journey smoother, more productive, and more enjoyable.

No single technique will solve all problems. There are no "tricks" that will abolish the hurt the child has experienced. There are no strategies that will completely alleviate parental stress. Parenting a hurt child is a journey filled with surprise, pain, uncertainty, episodic joy, unparalleled excitement, and an ongoing sense of wonder - wondering what is just around the corner . . . wondering just how long the peace and love will last . . . wondering when the next crisis will hit.

When the carousel of placements finally stops, the roller coaster ride begins. We hope that what we have to share will give you the hope, strength, courage, and commitment to endure the ride with all of its unexpected turns and bumps. If you are able to complete the journey, you will have helped your child heal and grow. In the process, it is inevitable that you, as a parent, will also grow. We hope that what we have to share will inspire you to tap into your own resources and creativity and will allow you to become the parent you always wanted to be.

As you read this book, keep in mind the following facts. They will serve you well as you begin to understand parenting the hurt child.

• Parenting hurt children requires loving patience and clear expectations for improvement.
• Parenting hurt children is frequently painful.
• Hurt children bring their pain into their new families and share it with much vigor and regularity.
• Parents who did not cause the child's trauma often suffer the consequences of it.
• Even though the child may seek to anger the parent, children will not be able to securely attach to an angry parent.
• Anger prevents healing.
• Nurturing will promote growth, development, and trust.
• Parents do not need to have a consequence for a child's every misdeed.
• Family fun should not be contingent upon the child's behavior.
• Parents should expect difficult times, as well as a reduction of them.
• Parents must spend time - lots of it - with their children.
• Parenting involves sacrifices.
• While parents must take care of themselves, that care cannot be at the child's expense.
• Parents and children pay a price when parental shortcuts are taken.
• Expectations are more effective and powerful than dozens of rules.
• A child's history isn't only in the past. It affects the present and the future.
• Parents need to determine what information is private and what can or should be shared with people outside the family.
• Strong parenting does not need to be mean-spirited parenting.
• Angry parenting will help keep the mean child mean, the wild child wild, the scared child scared, and the hurt child hurt.
• If your child is from another country, his hurts and losses are the same as those of a child from the United States.
• Hurt children get better when their pain is soothed, their anger reduced, their fears quelled, and their environment contained.
• Reparenting is what hurt children need, regardless of their chronological age. Going back to pick up some pieces will be necessary before moving forward.

© 2002 NavPress. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Regina M. Kupecky, LSW, has worked in the adoption arena for over twenty-five years as an adoption placement worker. She is currently a co-therapist with Dr. Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D., at the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio. Mrs. Kupecky authored a resource guide, Siblings Are Family, Too, which is available through the Three Rivers Adoption Council in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She has presented at local, national, and international conferences on a variety of adoption topics and holds a Master of Arts degree from John Carroll University.

Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D., founded the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio, which specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents who have experienced developmental interruptions. In addition, he and his staff treat individuals and families who are faced with a variety of problems in the areas of adoption, attachment, substance abuse, sexual abuse, and adolescent difficulties.