Facing Cancer with Your Spouse or Partner

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 13 of 14)

Some couples grow stronger when they face cancer together. They look at their lives in a new way. Problems that once seemed big don't feel that way now. Other couples facing cancer have more trouble. A psychologist said,

"If a couple had a good relationship before cancer treatment, they have a good basis for dealing with new problems. If the relationship has problems, the real reasons for these problems were probably there before the cancer."

Your Sex Life May Change

Sometimes people with cancer and their partners or spouses have trouble showing their love for each other. For instance, one man said that his wife wouldn't kiss him any more because she was afraid that she would catch cancer. In truth, people cannot give each other cancer. If your loved one is worried about catching cancer from you, suggest he or she talk with your doctor.

People can also have problems with sex because of cancer and its treatment. For instance, you may not like how you look and not want to have sex. If this happens, talk with your spouse or partner. Your partner probably loves you for more than your body. A 45-year-old man said,

"My wife found it hard to understand that my love for her wasn't less because she had a mastectomy. I was much more concerned that she be rid of the cancer. I had to convince her that I loved her for her many special qualities, not her left breast."

Your spouse or partner may be afraid to have sex with you. He or she may be afraid of hurting you or having sex when you are not feeling well. Let your partner know if you want to have sex or would rather just hug, kiss, and cuddle.

Sometimes, cancer and its treatment causes other problems with sex.

• Fatigue can make you so tired that you don't want to have sex.
• Surgery can make certain positions painful.
• Prostate cancer treatments can make it hard for a man to have an erection.
• Some treatments cause women to have vaginal dryness.
• Orgasm is sometimes hard to achieve.

Even though you may feel awkward, talk about your sex life with people who can help. Let your doctor or nurse know if you are having problems. There may be drugs you can take or other ways you and your loved one can give each other pleasure. Some people also find it helpful to talk with other couples about how to stay close while dealing with cancer.

Remember that you are special for who you are, not how you look. Your sense of humor, intellect, sweetness, common sense, special talents, and loyalty, these and many other qualities make you special. Sex is not the only basis for a relationship. It is one of many ways to express love and respect.

Dating

If you are single, you may worry about dating. You may be afraid that you are not as good looking as you used to be. And you may not know how, or when, to talk with someone new about your cancer.

One woman with breast cancer said that dating was easier than she thought it would be. She felt like she knew when the time was right to talk about her disease. In fact, she said that her cancer never caused problems with people she dated.

"I told my boyfriend about my breast cancer and my reluctance to let him see my body. He was very reassuring. He said it didn't matter to him-- that I was important for who I was, not how my body looked."

Summing Up: Dealing with a New Self-Image

When you have cancer and when you are having treatment for cancer, you go through changes.

• You don't have as much energy as you did before the cancer.
• Your body is not the same as it was.
• If you're single, your dating life may be awkward.
• You may face new problems in your sex life.

These changes can be hard to accept. But most people with cancer find that, with time, they learn to accept their new self-image by:

• staying involved in life
• getting help when they need it
• talking openly about sex and feelings of closeness with their loved ones

Living Each Day

When you have cancer, living each day to the fullest means:

• staying involved in the duties and pleasures of daily life
• returning to work if possible
• making plans for the future

Is living with cancer the biggest challenge you have ever faced? For most people, it is. Dealing with cancer and facing thoughts of death is a life-changing event for most people.

"My cancer made me take a closer look at how I spend my days. Realizing that they might be limited, I was determined to make them as good as possible. I vowed to use my time in ways that were good for me or brought me pleasure."

Try to live each day as normally as you can. Enjoy the simple things you like to do such as petting your cat or watching a sunset. Take pleasure in big events such as a friend's wedding or your grandson's high school graduation.

Every season brings its own joy.

— Spanish proverb

Keeping Up With Your Daily Routine

If you feel well enough, keep up with your daily routine. This includes going to work, spending time with family and friends, taking part in hobbies, and even going on trips.

At the same time, give yourself time to be with your feelings about cancer. Also, be careful about acting cheerful when you are not. Avoiding your feelings may make you feel worse, not better.

Use these questions to think about how you want to spend your time.

• Who do I like to be with?
• Who makes me laugh?
• How do I want to spend my time?
• What makes me feel happy?
• What types of things do I enjoy the most?
• What types of things do I like the least?
• Is there something I want to do that I've never tried?

Fun

Sometimes people with cancer try new, fun things that they have never done before. For instance, have you always wanted to ride in a hot air balloon or go deep-sea fishing? What fun things have you always wanted to try, but have never taken the time to do? A young woman with cancer put it this way,

"Too often we patients fill up our lives with meaningful activities and neglect the frivolous outlets that keep us sane."

Try to do something just for fun, not because you have to do it. But be careful not to tire yourself out. Some people get depressed when they are too tired. Make sure to get enough rest so you feel strong and can enjoy these fun activities.

Physical Activities

Many people find they have more energy when they take part in physical activities such as swimming, walking, yoga, and biking. They find that these types of activities help them keep strong and make them feel good. A bit of exercise everyday:

• improves your chances of feeling better
• keeps your muscles toned
• speeds your healing
• controls stress
• helps free your mind of bad thoughts

Even if you have never done physical activities before, you can start now. Choose something you think you'd like to do, and get your doctor's okay to try it. You can do some exercises even if you have to stay in bed.

Start slowly, doing an activity for just 5 or 10 minutes a day. When you feel strong enough, you can slowly increase this time to 30 minutes or more. Let your doctors and nurses know if you have pain when you do this activity.

About the Author

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