Cancer : Expressing Anger

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 7 of 14)

Expressing Anger

Many people feel angry or frustrated when they deal with cancer. You might find that you get mad or upset with the people you depend on. You may get upset with small things that never bothered you before.

People can't always express their feelings. Anger sometimes shows up as actions instead of words. You may find that you yell a lot at the kids or the dog. You might slam doors.

Try to figure out why you are angry. Maybe you are afraid of the cancer or are worried about money. You might even be angry about your treatment. A man with advanced cancer said,

"I got so angry some days that I just wanted to take it out on something. On those days, I always tried to be angry at my cancer, not at my wife and daughter."

When anger rises, think of the consequences.

— Confucius

Pretending to Be Cheerful

Some people pretend to be cheerful, even when they are not. They think that they will not feel sad or angry when they act cheerful. Your family and friends may not want to upset you and will act as if nothing is bothering them. You may think that by being cheerful, your cancer will go away.

When you have cancer, you have many reasons to be upset. "Down days" are to be expected. Don't pretend to be cheerful when you're not. This can keep you from getting the help you need. Be honest and talk about all your feelings, not just the cheerful ones. An older woman with liver cancer said,

"The advice of well-meaning friends to be positive, optimistic, and upbeat can also be a call for silence. Ask them about it. Don't let them force you to put on a fake smile when that's the last thing you feel like doing."

Sharing Without Talking

For many, it's hard to talk about being sick. Others feel that cancer is a personal or private matter and find it hard to talk openly about it. If talking is hard for you, think about other ways to share your feelings. For instance, you may find it helpful to write about your feelings. This might be a good time to start a journal or diary if you don't already have one. Writing about your feelings is a good way to sort through them and a good way to begin to deal with them. All you need to get started is something to write with and something to write on.

Journals can be personal or shared. People can use a journal as a way of 'talking' to each other. If you find it hard to talk to someone near to you about your cancer try starting a shared journal. Leave a booklet or pad in a private place that both of you select. When you need to share, write in it and return it to the private place. Your loved one will do the same. Both of you will be able to know how the other is feeling without having to speak aloud.

If you have e-mail, this can also be a good way to share without talking.

Summing Up: Sharing Your Thoughts and Feelings About Cancer

Cancer is hard to deal with all alone. Although talking about your cancer can be hard at first, most people find that sharing their thoughts and feelings helps them deal with their cancer.

Keep in mind:

Choose a good listener. You may not need someone to give you advice or tell you what to do. Instead, you may want someone who wants to hear about and try to understand what life is like for you right now. You may need to look outside your family to find such a person.

Choose a good time to share. Sometimes people will send signals to let you know they are willing to talk about cancer with you. Sometimes you can ask others about their thoughts and feelings.

Understand anger. Sometimes angry words come from emotions other than anger, like frustration, worry, or sadness. Try to figure out why you feel angry and why you need to express it. Don't run away from these feelings--share them and try to understand them.

Don't pretend to be cheerful. You may want to spare those around you from your strong feelings, but acting cheerful will not help you express your true feelings. Acting cheerful will not give others a true picture of your thoughts and feelings.

Turn to community resources for help. A support group or a counselor might be able to provide more support.

Learning About Your Cancer and Feeling More in Control

When you first learn you have cancer, daily life can feel like it is turned upside down. Learning more about your type of cancer and its treatment can help you feel more in control.

Learn about your type of cancer and its treatment by:

• asking your doctor or nurse questions
• taking notes during your doctor visits
• getting a second opinion
• calling the Cancer Information Service at 1-800-422-6237
• looking up your type of cancer on the Internet at http://cancer.gov
• visiting a public library or a hospital library for patients and families

Learning about your cancer can help you talk to your doctor about which treatment is right for you.

"At first, I felt overwhelmed. But once I gathered information, I felt comfortable talking with my doctor about my cancer and ready to make decisions about my treatment."

Cancer can rob people of a sense of control over their lives. You may feel that your future is uncertain and you do not know if you will live or die. Or you may rely on doctors you hardly know to help you make health decisions.

People often feel more in control when they learn as much as they can about cancer and its treatment. They say that it is easier to make decisions when they know what to expect. How much do you know about your cancer and its treatment?

When you see clouds gathering, prepare to catch rainwater.

— Gola (African) Proverb

About the Author

www.nci.nih.gov
The National Cancer Institute's research programs are extensive and contain many innovative initiatives. I invite you to explore our Web site to find out more about the exciting work being conducted here at NCI and by NCI-supported scientists throughout the country.