Sharing Your Feelings About Cancer

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 6 of 14)

Parents

Since people are living much longer these days, many people with cancer may also be caring for their aging parents. For example, you may help your parents with their shopping or take them to doctor. Your aging parents may even live with you.

You have to decide how much to tell your parents about your cancer. Your decision may depend on how well your parents can understand and cope with the news. If your parents are in good health, think about talking with them about your cancer.

Now that you have cancer, you may need extra help caring for your parents. You may need help only while you are in treatment. Or you may need to make long-term changes in your parents' care. Talk with your family members, friends, health professionals, and community agencies to see how they can help.

Close Friends

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.

— Czech Proverb

Once friends learn of your cancer, they may begin to worry. Some will ask you to tell them ways to help. Others will wonder how they can help but may not know how to ask. You can help your friends cope with the news by letting them help you in some way. Think about the things your friends do well and don't mind doing. Make a list of things you think you might need. This way, when they ask you how they can be of help, you'll be able to share your list of needs and allow them to pick something they're willing to do.

Sample list of need:

• Baby-sit on days that I go to treatment.
• Prepare frozen meals for my "down days."
• Put my name on the prayer list at my place of worship.
• Bring me a few books from the library when you go.
• Visit for tea or coffee when you can.
• Let others know that it is alright to call or visit me (or let others know that I'm not ready for visitors just yet).

Summing Up: Cancer and Your Family

Families come in many forms. Some are husband, wife, and children. Others are life partners. Still others are groups of people who love and support each other.

No matter what form your family takes, your cancer will not only change your life, but also the lives of those around you.

Cancer impacts families in different ways.

• Talking about cancer can be hard for some families.
• Routines of family life may be messed up.
• Roles and duties within the family will change.
• Relationships can be both strained and strengthened.
• Dealing with money and insurance often become hard.
• You may need to change where you live and with whom, at least for a while.

As you think about how cancer has changed your life and your family's life, think about reaching outside your family to get help.

• You may need help with household chores and errands.
• Respite care can give your regular caregivers a much-needed break.
• Counseling and support groups can help your family deal with the issues that cancer raises.

Most families find that being honest and open about the cancer, about the problems that arise, and about their feelings, helps them handle the changes that cancer causes.

Sharing Your Feelings About Cancer

Talking about your feelings can help you deal with your cancer.

• Choose a good listener.
• Choose a good time to share your feelings.
• Understand your feelings of anger.
• Don't act cheerful when you don't feel that way.

You may need to find someone outside your family to talk to.

Cancer is too much to handle all by yourself.

Friends and Family Have Feelings About Your Cancer

Just as you have strong feelings about cancer, your family or friends will react to it as well. For instance, your friends or family may:

• hide or deny their sad feelings
• find someone to blame for your cancer
• change the subject when someone talks about cancer
• act mad for no real reason
• make jokes about cancer
• pretend to be cheerful all the time
• avoid talking about your cancer
• stay away from you, or keep their visits short

Finding a Good Listener

It can be hard to talk about how it feels to have cancer. But talking can help, even though it is hard to do. Many people find that they feel better when they share their thoughts and feelings with their close family and friends.

Friends and family members may not always know what to say to you. Sometimes they can help by just being good listeners. They don't always need to give you advice or tell you what they think. They simply need to show that they care and are concerned about you.

You might find it helpful to talk about your feelings with people who are not family or friends. Instead, you might want to meet in a support group with others who have cancer or talk with a counselor. You can find more information about where to go for help in "People Helping People".

A single arrow is easily broken, but not ten in a bundle.

— Japanese Proverb

Choosing a Good Time to Talk

Some people need time before they can talk about their feelings. If you are not ready, you might say, "I don't feel like talking about my cancer right now." And sometimes when you want to talk, your family and friends may not be ready to listen.

It is hard for other people to know when to talk about cancer. Sometimes people send a signal when they want to talk. They might:

• bring up the subject of cancer
• talk about things that have to do with cancer, such as a newspaper story about a new cancer treatment that they just read
• spend more time with you
• act nervous or make jokes that aren't very funny

You can help people feel more comfortable by asking them what they think or how they feel. Sometimes people can't put their feelings into words. Sometimes, they just want to hug each other or cry together. A man with stomach cancer said,

"It was really hard to get my sister to talk about my cancer. Finally, I just said to her, 'I know you're really worried and scared. So am I. Let's talk about it.' She was so relieved that I had brought the subject up."

About the Author

www.nci.nih.gov
The National Cancer Institute's research programs are extensive and contain many innovative initiatives. I invite you to explore our Web site to find out more about the exciting work being conducted here at NCI and by NCI-supported scientists throughout the country.