Cancer : Family, Partners and Dating

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 13 of 16)

Family

Even though treatment has ended, you may face problems with your family. For instance, if you used to take care of the house or yard before your treatment, you may find these jobs too much to handle after treatment has ended. Yet, family members who took over for you may want life to go back to normal and have you do what you used to do around the house. You may then get angry because you are not getting the support you need.

Other times, you may expect more of your family than you receive. They disappoint you, and it can also make you angry. For one woman, it was a family member's lack of support during her treatment. "Never once, not a card, not a phone call, and I have a hard time looking at her today."

You may see your role as taking care of others, not being taken care of, yet you may need to depend on others during this time. You may resent it and get angry at those who are just trying to help. You may not know how to talk to your children or grandchildren about your cancer.

When treatment ends, families often are not prepared for the fact that recovery takes time. In general, your recovery will take much longer than your treatment did. Survivors often say that they didn't realize the time they needed to recover. This can lead to disappointment, worry, and frustration for everyone. Families also may not realize that the way the family works may have changed permanently as a result of cancer. They may need help to deal with the changes and keep the "new" family from falling apart.

Now That I've Had Cancer, What Do My Family Members Need to Know About Their Risks?

You may fear that passing your genes on to your children means they will get cancer. One woman felt guilty about getting cancer and what it might mean for her family. "I have a daughter, and I'm sure she's blaming me for putting her [at] risk."

It is important to know that most cancer is not passed down through families. Only about 5 to 10 percent of the most common cancers (such as breast, colon, prostate) are inherited. In most of the families that have inherited cancers, researchers have found relatives who may have had:

• Cancer before they were 50 years old
• Different kinds of cancers
• Cancer in two of the same body parts (like both kidneys or both breasts)
• Other risk factors for cancer (such as colon polyps or skin moles)

If you think that your cancer may be inherited, talking with a cancer genetic counselor can help answer your questions and those of your family. He or she can also help you and your doctor decide on the medical care that you and your family might need if a genetic link is found. Genetic testing can determine if the cancers that occur in your family are due to genes or to other factors.

Getting Help With Family Issues

Some family members may have trouble adjusting to changes or feel that their needs are not being met. Your family may want to deal with issues such as these on its own, or you may want to consider getting outside help. Ask your doctor or social worker to refer you to a counselor or therapist. An expert on family roles and concerns after cancer treatment can help your family solve its problems.

Tips: Dealing With Family Issues

How do you cope with family issues? Here are some ideas that have helped others deal with family concerns:

Let others know what to expect of you as you heal—and what not to expect. Do not feel you must keep the house or yard in perfect order because you always did in the past. Let people know what you can and cannot do.

Give yourself time. You and your family may be able to adjust over time to the changes cancer brings. Just being open with each other can help ensure that each person's needs are met.

Help your children (or grandchildren) understand that you were treated for cancer. Children of cancer survivors have said that these things are important:

• Being honest with them
• Speaking as directly and openly as possible
• Allowing them to become informed about your cancer and involved in your recovery
• Spending extra time with them

With your permission, other family members should also be open with your children about your cancer and its treatment.

Partners and Dating

Body changes and concerns about sex can affect the way you relate to your partner or how you feel about dating. As you struggle to accept changes yourself, you may also worry about how someone else will react to scars, ostomies, sexual problems, and loss of fertility. Sexual problems can make feeling close even harder. Even for a couple that has been together a long time, staying connected can be a major challenge at first. It may be a comfort to learn that very few committed relationships end because of ostomies, scars, or other body changes. Divorce rates are about the same for people with and without a cancer history.

If you are single, you may wonder how and when to tell a new person in your life about your cancer and body changes. Fear of being rejected keeps some people from seeking the social life they would like to have. Others do not want to date and prefer to be alone but may face pressure from friends or family to "be more sociable."

Getting Help With Partner and Dating Issues

If your concerns about sex or dating persist, think about seeing a sex therapist or a counselor. He or she may be able to help you work through personal issues and prepare you to talk with your partner or a new person in your life.

Tips: Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Needs

How do you talk to your partner about sex after cancer treatment? Here are some ideas that have helped others:

Tell your partner how you feel about your sex life and what you would like to change. You might tell him or her:

• What is happening with your sex life
• Your thoughts and beliefs about why your sex life is the way it is
• How it makes you feel—for example, scared, lonely, sad, or angry
• What would please you or make you feel better

This approach avoids blame, stays positive, and gives your significant other a better sense about how you are feeling.

Here is an example of how you can talk to your partner:

• "We have made love only a few times since my cancer treatment (fact).
• I think it may be because my scars are a problem for you (your belief).
• When we do not have sex, I feel very lonely, and I miss being close to you. Sometimes I also feel angry that cancer affects our sex life, too (your feelings).
• I would feel much better if we had sex more often—and if it was your idea more often (your needs)."

Listen to your partner's point of view:

• Repeat what he or she says in your own words to show you understand.
• Ask questions to show interest and caring.
• Show support. Say things like, "You seem worried," or "I'm sure this is very hard for you."
• Listen. Focus on your partner's comments, not on what you plan to say in response.

Tips: Dating After Cancer Treatment

How do you start dating after cancer treatment? Here are some ideas that have helped others:

Start by working on other areas of your social life besides dating and sex. Make an effort to see friends and family. Try a new activity. Join a club. Take a class. These activities can increase your comfort level in being around people.

Make a list of your good points. Focus on what you bring to a relationship.

Try not to let cancer be an excuse for not dating or trying to meet people.

Do not tell a new date about your cancer right away. Wait until you feel a sense of trust and friendship, but do not wait until you are about to have sex.

Practice what you will say to someone if you are worried about how you will handle it. Think about how he or she might react, and be ready with a response.

Think about dating as a learning process with the goal of having a social life you enjoy. Not every date has to be a "success." If some people reject you (which can happen with or without cancer), you have not failed.

Remember that not all dates "worked out" before you had cancer.

About the Author

www.nci.nih.gov
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