Advanced Cancer : Special People, Part 2

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 11 of 11)

Teenagers

"My father and I are so much closer. It's a totally different family than we were before I was diagnosed. We've learned how to talk about how we feel, how to talk to each other about what's going on and what we're afraid of." — Jake

Many of the things listed above also apply to teenagers. They need to hear the truth about an illness. This helps keep them from feeling guilt and stress. But be aware that they may try to avoid the subject. They may become angry, act out, or get into trouble as a way of coping. Others simply withdraw. Try to:

• Give teenagers the space they need. This is especially important if you rely on them more than before to help with family needs.
• Give them time to deal with their feelings, alone or with friends.
• Let your teenager know that they should still go to school and take part in sports and other fun activities.

If you have trouble explaining your illness, you might want to ask for help. Try asking a close friend, relative, or health care provider for advice. You could also go to a trusted coach, teacher, or youth minister. Your social worker or doctor can help you find a good counselor.

Adult Children

Your relationship with your adult children may change now that you have advanced cancer. You may have to rely on them more for different needs. It may be hard for you to ask for support. After all, you may be used to giving support rather than getting it. Or it may be hard for other reasons; perhaps your relationship with them has been distant.

Adult children have their concerns, too. They may become fearful of their own mortality. They may feel guilty because they feel that they can't meet the many demands on their lives as parents, children, and employees.

As your illness progresses, it helps to:

• Share decision-making with your children.
• Involve them in issues that are important to you. These may include treatment choices, plans for the future, or types of activities you want to continue.

Reaching out to your children and openly sharing your feelings, goals, and wishes may help them cope with your disease. It may also help lessen fears and conflict between siblings when other important decisions need to be made.

"It's a roller coaster ride, so we just ride the roller coaster. I've got the whole family prepared, and that's what you have to do when you have cancer. Things are going well and then really bad." — Delia

Looking for Meaning

"I've learned a lot about myself and the strength I have in dealing with this. I've learned a lot about my kids and family too, watching them handle this, and it makes me proud to be their mother. I figure I must have done something right." — Madeline

Many people who have advanced cancer look more deeply for meaning in their lives. They want to understand their purpose and their legacy. They want to examine the things they have gone through in life. Some look for a sense of peace or a bond with others. Some seek to forgive themselves or others for past actions. Some look for answers and strength through religion or spirituality.

Being spiritual can mean different things to different people. It can be a very personal issue. Everyone has their own beliefs about the meaning of life. Some people find it through religion or faith. Some people find it by teaching, or through volunteer work. Others find it in different ways. Having cancer may cause you to think about what you believe. You may think about God, an afterlife, about the connections made between living things. This can bring a sense of peace, a lot of questions, or both.

Like some people, you may also find that cancer changes your values. Having the disease may help you learn what is most important to you. The things you own and your daily duties may seem less important. You may decide to spend more time with loved ones or helping others. You may want to do more things in the outdoors, or learn something new.

You may have already given a lot of thought to these issues. Still, you might find comfort by exploring more deeply what is meaningful to you. You could do this with someone close to you, a member of your faith community, or a mental health professional.

Or you may just want to take time for yourself. You may want to reflect on your experiences and relationships. Writing in a journal or reading also helps some people find comfort and meaning. Many people find that prayer, meditation, or talking with others has helped them cope and explore their lives.

Celebrating Your Life

Having advanced cancer often gives people a chance to look back on life and all they have done. They like to look at the different roles they have played throughout life. They think about what something meant at the time, and what it means now. Some gather things that have meaning to them to give to their loved ones. Others share memories or projects with loved ones.

Doing these things is often called "making a legacy" for yourself. It can be whatever you want. Don't limit yourself! And you can do these things alone or with others close to you. Some examples of ways people have celebrated their lives are:

• Making a video of special memories
• Reviewing or arranging family photo albums
• Charting or writing down your family's history or family tree
• Keeping a daily journal of your feelings and experiences
• Making a scrapbook
• Writing notes or letters to loved ones and children
• Reading or writing poetry
• Creating artwork, knitting, or making jewelry
• Giving meaningful objects or mementos to loved ones
• Writing down or recording funny or meaningful stories from your past
• Planting a garden
• Making a tape or CD of favorite songs
• Gathering favorite recipes into a cookbook

You can do whatever you want that brings joy and meaning to you. Some people with cancer also make what is called an "ethical will." It's not a legal paper. It's something you write yourself to share with your loved ones. Many ethical wills contain the person's thoughts on his or her values, memories, and hopes. They may also talk about the lessons learned in life or other things that are meaningful. It can say anything you want, in any way you want.

"For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment." — Viktor Frankl

Closing Thoughts

"Our family has become very close since I got cancer. I remember my son said to me, 'Dad, it's all because of the way you reacted to it.' I believe him, too. I wasn't bitter. He wrote a poem for me that said, 'You embraced your death instead of running away from it.' And that was beautiful to me." — Bill

Living with advanced stage cancer may bring many challenges and hardships. But it can also be a time of fulfillment and joy.

As you think about the issues raised in this booklet, keep in mind that survival statistics are just numbers. The numbers that really mean the most for any of us are quite different. They measure the good days, the comfortable nights, and the hours of happiness and joy. Keep living your life the best that you can and in the fullest way possible.

"Think only of today, and when tomorrow comes, it will be today, and we will think about it." — St. Francis de Sales

About the Author

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