Advanced Cancer : Guilt and Regret, Loneliness, Getting Support

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 8 of 11)

Guilt and Regret

"I couldn't stop thinking about what I could have done to slow down my cancer. Maybe I should have gone to the doctor sooner, maybe I should have given up sweets, maybe I should have done this, maybe I should have done that. After talking about it with my social worker, she helped me see that this is no one's fault, especially mine." — Erika

It's normal for people with cancer to wonder if they did anything to add to their situation. They may blame themselves for lifestyle choices. They may feel guilty because treatment didn't work. They may regret ignoring a symptom and waiting too long to go to the doctor. Others worry that they didn't follow the doctor's orders in the right way.

It's important to remember that the treatment failed you. You didn't fail the treatment. We can't know why cancer happens to some people and not others. In any case, feeling guilty won't help — it can even stop you from taking action and getting the treatment you need. So, it's important for you to:

• Try to let go of any mistakes you think you may have made.
• Focus on things worthy of your time and energy.
• Forgive yourself.

You may want to share these feelings with your loved ones. Some people blame themselves for upsetting the people they love. Others worry that they'll be a burden on their families. If you feel this way too, take comfort in this: many family members have said it is an honor and a privilege to care for their loved one. Many consider it a time when they can share experiences and become closer to one another. Others say that caring for someone else makes them take life more seriously and causes them to rethink their priorities.

Maybe you feel that you can't talk openly about these things with your loved ones. If so, counseling or a support group may be an option for you. Let your health care team know if you would like to talk with someone.

Loneliness

"I know my friends try to understand. It doesn't matter what I say though—they just don't get it. I can't even begin to explain to them how I feel or what's going on. I'm not saying it's their fault or anything. It's just hard." — Jennifer

You may feel alone, even if you have lots of people around you who care. You may feel that no one really understands what you're going through. And as the cancer progresses, you may see family, friends, or coworkers less often. You may find yourself alone more than you would like. Some people may even distance themselves from you because they have a hard time coping with your cancer. This can make you feel really alone.

Although some days may be harder than others, remember that you aren't alone. Keep doing the things you've always done the best you can. If you want to, tell people that you don't want to be alone. Let them know that you welcome their visits.

More than likely, your loved ones are feeling many of the same things you are. They, too, may feel cut off from you if they can't talk with you. You may also want to try joining a support group. There you can talk with others who share your feelings.

Finding Humor

Laughter can help you relax. Even a smile can fight off stressful thoughts. Of course, you may not always feel like laughing, but other people have found these ideas can help:

• Enjoy funny things children and pets do.
• Watch funny movies or TV shows.
• Read a joke book or look at jokes on the Internet. If you don't own a computer, use one at your local library. Or ask a friend to print some for you.
• Listen to comedy tapes.
• Read the comics in the newspaper or the cartoons and quotes in magazines.
• Look in the humor section in the library or book store.

Getting Support

Your feelings will come and go, just as they always have in your life. It helps to have some strategies to deal with them.

First, know that you aren't alone. Many people have been in your situation. Some choose to confide in friends and family members. Others do better when they join a support group. It helps them to talk with others who are facing the same challenges. You may prefer to join an online support group, so you can chat with people from your home.

If support groups don't appeal to you, there are many experts who are trained to work in cancer care. These include oncology social workers, health psychologists, or counselors.

Many people also find faith as their source of support. They may seek comfort from the different members of their faith community. Or they may find that talking to a leader in their religious or spiritual community can be helpful. If you need help finding faith-based support, many hospitals have a staff chaplain who can give support to people of all faiths and religions. Your health care team may also be able to tell you about faith-based organizations in the area.

About Support Groups

You may have heard about support groups in your area for people with cancer. They can meet in person, by phone, or over the Internet. They may help you gain new insights into what's happening, get ideas about how to cope, and help you know that you're not alone.

In a support group, people may talk about their feelings and what they have gone through. They may trade advice and try to help others who are dealing with the same kinds of issues. Some people like to go and just listen. Others prefer not to join support groups at all. Some people aren't comfortable with this kind of sharing.

If you feel like you would enjoy outside support such as this, but can't get to a group in your area, try a support group on the Internet. Some people with cancer say that Web sites with support groups have helped them a lot.

Ways You Can Cope

You may be able to keep doing many of your regular activities, even though some may be harder to do. Just remember to save your strength for the things you really want to do. Don't plan too many events for one day. Also, try to stagger things throughout the day.

On the next page you'll find some ideas that other patients say have helped them cope. As you can see, even little things can help.

About the Author

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