Childhood Cancer : School and Friends, Supporting Your Child

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 12 of 14)

Moving on With Life

One of the challenges facing the family of a child who has cancer is going on with everyday life. Moving forward is not an easy task. It may be hardest during times of stress: when you find out your child has cancer, when your child is in the hospital, or when your child is suffering from the side effects of treatment.

Even when the treatments are going well, the cancer still affects each member of your family. When your child enters the hospital or goes for treatments, each member has to adjust in some way. Family members may be apart. Days of work may be missed. Brothers and sisters may feel left out. Everyone may be worried and tense.

Despite all this, family life goes on. Brothers and sisters have school and activities. Parents have jobs. It is hard to keep up with everyday activities and responsibilities while being with and caring for your child with cancer.

As the mother or father of a child who has cancer, remember that you are not alone. You can get help from many sources, such as the treatment team, which includes a social worker who can help you in dealing with your child's illness; other parents of children with cancer; support groups; or others.

Life Goes On

Your Child

Even with a diagnosis of cancer, your child still has the same needs as other young people - going to school, having friends, and enjoying things that were a part of life before cancer. You can help meet these needs by letting your child live as normal a life as possible. Some activities, however, may need to be changed at different times during treatment. After chemotherapy or radiation therapy, your child may be very tired and, therefore, need more rest. This tiredness is to be expected. Help your child find other things to do, such as new hobbies, or ask friends to come over to draw or paint.

School and Friends

Encourage your child to stay in touch with friends. Keeping contact is easier if your child can continue to go to school while being diagnosed and treated, but staying in school is not always possible. If time off from school is needed, it is best for your child to return to school as soon as possible. Children who have cancer need and like to be with others their age, and keeping up with schoolwork makes them feel good about themselves. Some cancer centers offer back-to-school programs, which may help children and classmates understand the diagnosis and know what to expect. You may ask your doctor, nurse, or child-life specialist to visit your child's classroom.

Children often worry about how their friends and classmates will act toward them, especially if they have missed a lot of school or return with obvious physical changes, such as hair loss or a missing limb. Other students are usually accepting, but they may have questions. Help your child to think of ways to answer their questions and to tell friends and classmates that they cannot "catch" the disease. Your treatment team has had experience helping families with school. Ask them to help your child. Ask your nurse if the team or hospital has a school reentry program. Such programs send nurses to the child's classroom to talk about the child's cancer and treatment with classmates and teachers.

Your child needs to know that many people, including children, are uneasy about a serious illness. These people may act differently or say hurtful or wrong things to someone who has cancer.

You may want to talk with your child's teachers and school nurse about the disease, treatment, days missed, and any needed changes in activity. You and your family, the doctor, or members of the treatment team can explain your child's medical condition and answer questions. Teachers and other school staff may want to use this information to talk with the other students about what to expect when your child returns to school.

If your child cannot return to school right away, a home tutor may be available through the school system to help your child keep up with studies, making it easier to return to school.

To help your child and his or her siblings deal with fears and feelings, you may want to:

• Say "I love you" often.

• Assure your children that the cancer and its treatment are not punishments.

• Encourage your child or children to talk about the cancer and cancer treatment. Ask your children questions to get the conversation started. Family talks can help everyone feel less worried. Talking helps the whole family cope with the illness together.

• Tell your children that is it okay to feel sad and cry.

• Encourage activities to help your child feel more relaxed. Drawing, playing with harmless medical supplies or puppets, and role-playing may help your child feel better.

In addition, setting limits for behavior and activities is still important and even comforting to your child. But it is helpful to remember that children, like adults, have good days and bad days. Help your child feel part of normal life.

• Allow your child to make choices as long as they do not cause problems with treatment.

• Use the same rules and level of discipline as before the cancer diagnosis and treatment.

• Ask your child to continue doing regular chores around the house, when able.

Supporting Your Child

Like you, your child is likely to feel uncertain, worried, and afraid at times, but he or she may find it hard to talk about these fears and may behave differently than usual. For example, your child may become loud or bossy, be quieter than usual, have nightmares, have changes in eating habits, not do as well in school, or go back to earlier behaviors such as bedwetting or thumb-sucking.

These common behavior changes are just a few of the ones you may see. You may want to talk about such changes with the doctor, nurse, social worker, teachers, and school counselor, who have had experiences like yours.

Teenagers who have cancer have special concerns. They frequently complain that their parents try to protect them too much. Teenagers are at a stage in their lives when they are naturally trying to be their own bosses and do things for themselves, but having cancer forces them to depend on you. Giving teenagers a chance to make their own decisions and choices, when possible, will help.

You

Your child's illness will bring many changes to your life. To help you cope with these changes, you may want to consider the following suggestions:

Make time for yourself. Try to do some of the things you did before your child got sick. Do not feel guilty that you need some time for yourself. Also, make a special effort to find private times to talk with your partner or those who are close to you. Do not let all your talk be about your child with cancer.

Prepare yourself for a lot of waiting. Find ways to make waiting during clinic visits or while in the hospital less frustrating. Take something to read or do while your child is asleep or does not need your attention.

Turn to treatment staff or other resources for support. Treatment centers have trained staff who can talk with you about your concerns. Make use of these people for support.

Contact support groups. Your treatment center can provide names of support groups at which you can meet with other parents of children who have cancer. Community resources can provide support and information. They can tell you how other parents have dealt, or are dealing, with the same types of situations you are facing.

Share the care of your child with your partner or others close to the family. For example, if your child is in the hospital for a long stay, you and your partner, or friends or relatives, may want to take turns staying with your child. Letting them help will not only give each of you a break from the hospital, but it will help keep you from growing apart when one becomes more involved than the other in your child's treatment.

About the Author

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