It May Be Hard to Talk About Cance, Part 3

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 7 of 8)

Feeling Embarassed

"Since my brother lost his hair and got so pale and thin, I don't want to bring my friends home anymore. I don't want them to see how different Tim looks now, and I don't think he likes to see them. Besides, it's not easy to laugh and giggle at home when someone is sick."-Caroline, age 12

Sometimes people who have a person with cancer in their family may feel embarrassed because now their family is different. It is different from what it used to be, and it is different from their friends' families. And people who ask them questions they can't answer just embarrass them more. So sometimes they want to try to leave the cancer at home and hope that none of their friends learn about it. Of course, you can't really do that because when someone you love is sick, you need people you can talk to and who understand if you're upset. If you feel a little embarrassed around people because someone in your family has cancer, remember that others have felt this way also and that this feeling often goes away once everyone has gotten used to what is happening.

Even though others feel all right about asking a lot of questions, some people with a family member who has cancer find that it embarrasses them to ask questions. Just remember: No question is a dumb question if you don't understand it.

"At first I didn't ask any questions, although I had a lot of them. I thought people would think I was really dumb, but now I know it really helps to ask."-Brad, age 14

Dealing With Side Effects

"Diane had all this hair, and some nights it would fall out and be all over her pillow when she woke up, or fall out in her comb, or when she washed her hair. It really kind of scared me to see that happen at first, but she took it pretty well." -Lois, age 16

When someone you love has side effects from cancer treatments, you too have to learn to live with these changes. It may seem a little strange at first, or scary, but other people have found that they soon got used to it. Some people outside the family may not understand, and they may hurt the feelings of the person with cancer.

"When my little brother, James, went back to school, he was still on chemo and had lost all his hair, so he wore a baseball cap. One day a kid pulled the cap off and teased him. James said everybody stared at him. Mom says we should feel sorry for that kid because he doesn't know any better. But I don't, I feel sorry for James."-Amy, age 12

It's hard to imagine why anyone would want to tease James, but it's not as important to know why someone did it as it is to know that these things may happen, and that you can't always protect your brother or sister. What you can do for people with cancer is try to understand how they feel and help them see that they still have friends. And, if you tease them from time to time, like you did before they had cancer, it's not a bad thing, as long as you don't keep it up for long or keep doing it when you see that it really hurts their feelings. Brothers and sisters all tease each other, and it's important that, even when your brother or sister has cancer, you treat each other as much like before as you can.

You may be shocked if the person who has cancer looks different after coming home.

"My dad has cancer, and he was in the hospital for a long time. When he finally got to come home, he was still really sick. I had to help him up the stairs because he was so weak. It was strange, because he had always been so big and strong, and now he was weak. It bothered me."-Richard, age 16

Even if someone tells you that your family member won't look the same, you may not be prepared for the changes. Try to find out what type of changes to expect. It may be hard for you, but it's important to remember that, even if they look different, they're still the same person.

Changing

Some young people who have a family member with cancer may change a little themselves. Sometimes they don't realize it or don't know why. But, with all the new and different experiences and feelings, it's not surprising that people change. They may have trouble at school or be unable to concentrate or to get along with other people as well as they did before.

They may start to be a little less careful or do things that are dangerous, maybe getting hurt more often.

They may worry a lot about getting sick themselves and may even get sick more often. Their school grades may fall, or they may become more involved in school than they were before and make better grades.

Any of these changes can happen because young people who are scared or worried or whose lives have changed may need more attention at home. Just as with other problems or worries, it helps to talk with people who care and understand what's happening.

If you haven't noticed that you have changed, someone else may notice and want to talk to you about it. If they do, it's because they want to help. Your parents or teachers or social workers at the hospital or clinic all may be able to help if you've changed in a way that isn't good for you or that makes you sad and uncomfortable.

Not all of the changes are bad; some may be good. Many young people who have had cancer in the family felt it has helped them grow up. Others say it also has brought their family closer together.

"My brother is in remission now. Things were pretty bad at first. Then, after a while, things sort of settled down and got back to the way they were before. I think Billy's cancer brought us all closer together. I get along better with him and my sister and even with my older brother now. I'm closer to mom and dad. And I think we all grew up a lot while he was sick."-Alice, age 15

Remember

Don't be ashamed or afraid of the way you feel. Others in your situation have felt the same way.

Sometimes things are better if you talk about them. Share your feelings with your parents, or another adult, or a friend you can trust.

Learn about cancer and the way it is treated. What we first imagine about cancer is often far worse than what is really happening.

Try to find other people your age who have a person in their family with cancer or a serious illness. You may be able to share your feelings with them.

If you overhear someone talking and what you hear scares you, ask them to explain what they said. Don't assume that you heard everything and understood what it meant; ask about it.

Don't forget the adults other than your parents who can help you.

About the Author

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