It May Be Hard to Talk About Cance, Part 2

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 6 of 8)

Feeling Neglected

One of the things that young people get mad about is feeling left out or neglected. Some feel that they don't get as much attention as before, and they often are right. Family members, including your parents, all have a lot on their minds, and they may have to put all their energy into helping the person with cancer. This may not leave much time for you, especially if they are going back and forth to the clinic or hospital.

Young people often feel that the brother or sister with cancer gets more attention from their parents.

"At night my parents go in and turn on my sister's light and kiss her good night, and they don't come in my room-well, sometimes mom will. She tells me, 'Don't think we are partial to her.' "-Maria, age 15

Young people may feel that their sibling with cancer gets away with a lot of things that they can't do.

"If I do something wrong, mom yells. If my brother does, she lets it pass."-Dennis, age 13

Why do some parents do this? It's not because they don't love all their children. This is a confusing time for them, just as it is for you. They have to learn a lot about cancer and hospitals very fast. They are tired and worried. They see one of their children sick and may try to make up for it by giving that child a little more attention. Parents know, as you do, that some people die from cancer, and they could be afraid of that and want to do all they can for your brother or sister who has cancer. Sometimes they give a young person with cancer special treatment that isn't wanted.

"I have a sister who has cancer. She gets upset because she's treated differently now. She doesn't want to be babied, just treated normally as she was before. She and mom always used to fight, and now mom is really sweet all the time, and it's weird. Not that my sister likes to fight, but it's just not normal." -Peggy, age 15

For whatever reason, and whether your brother or sister likes it or not, your parents may give special treatment to the one who has cancer. At times like this, it's normal to feel jealous, even if people tell you that you shouldn't because you're not sick. But it's natural for you to want time with your parents and some special attention, too.

Young people who have a parent with cancer also may feel neglected.

"Now that mom's sick, everything at our house is different. We hardly ever eat together as a family anymore, and there's never anyone to help me with my homework or to listen to me. Mom used to do that. I feel like it's sort of being left up to me to take care of myself."-Martha, age 13

When one parent has cancer, the other one may be so busy that neither one of them can spend much time with the rest of the family.

"Sometimes, my father feels like he is neglecting us because he is with mom so much. And, in a way, it's true. I know he can't help it. He has to work and wants to see mom, but he's not around like he used to be, and he doesn't do things with us like he did. He's just too busy."-Barry, age 16

If you feel like you're not getting much attention, whether you have a parent or a brother or sister with cancer, remember that the person with cancer is getting more attention because they need special care not because you are loved less.

Feeling Lonely

You may be lucky and have a special friend and friends who treat you the same as before your family member was diagnosed with cancer. But many young people with cancer in their families have found that they've lost some of their friends. Sometimes this happens because friends may not know much about cancer and may be afraid of catching it from you. Or they may not know what to say and find it easier to stay away than to be embarrassed. Having cancer in your family may make you act a little different because you're upset or scared or embarrassed or because you want to be with your family.

"Sometimes, my friends wonder why I act strange. I wish they understood that, sometimes, I don't want to do what they're doing, I really want to be with my sick sister."-Nan, age 12

If your friends don't understand, they may think that you don't want to see them anymore. It can be a hard time for all of you.

What can you do? You may need to reach out to your friends, even if that's hard to do. Maybe everyone won't respond as you'd like, but it helps if you give them a chance. Often friends just don't know how to act and need you to tell them how you want to be treated. They also may need you to show that you still need them, even if you seem a little different because you're upset. You may want to invite them over to watch TV, play video games, or just to talk. Let them know that you still enjoy talking with them on the phone or going to the movies- just as you did before.

If this is a hard time for you, remember that it won't last forever. Old friends may become close to you again. And people who have lost friends have found that they also made new ones. There may be someone at school who has had a sick person in the family and will understand how you feel. That person could be a special new friend.

Answering Questions

When your friends do talk to you, some of them may not say what you want to hear. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, people ask a lot of questions that are hard to answer.

"People asked me questions all the time. They'd say things like 'I heard Jean is in a coma' or 'I heard you were hysterical.' Whenever I told them the truth, they didn't believe me. And they'd ask dumb questions like 'Can Jean walk? Can she write?' They didn't know what was going on, and I didn't know how to answer them. I got sick of it."-John, age 14

One way to answer your classmates' questions is for you and your parents to talk to your teacher and see if the teacher or someone who knows about cancer and its treatment can talk to your class. Ask the doctor, nurse, or social worker about a school conference or classroom presentation. This will give your friends a chance to ask their questions and be sure they're getting the right answers-not about your family member but about cancer in general.

Other people ask questions, and they may not know that some of them are hard for you to answer or make you feel bad. If you want to answer their questions, it's a good idea to think of what people might ask and have an answer ready. People may ask you how the person with cancer is feeling or how long the person will be in the hospital. And they also may ask questions like these:

"Are you going to get cancer from your mother?"

"Why does your brother always wear that cap? Did his hair really fall out?"

"Is your dad going to die?"

"What did your sister do to get cancer?"

You may want to get help finding answers to questions like these. There may be several people to ask such as your parents, teacher, or school counselor, an adult friend, or the doctor, nurse, or social worker. And remember, you always can tell people that you don't want to talk about something or that you don't know. You don't have to answer their questions. Sometimes, though, trying to answer a few questions and talking about your feelings can help others understand what you are experiencing.

About the Author

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