It May Be Hard to Talk About Cance

by National Cancer Institute

(Page 5 of 8)

It May Be Hard to Talk About Cancer

Sometimes it's not easy to talk about what you feel or about problems. Not only is it hard to say what you feel, but other people may not be ready or able to listen or to be helpful. Some of your questions may upset your parents because they don't know how to answer or because your worries remind them of their own. It's possible that your parents may not be ready to talk when you are. They may need more time to sort things out in their own minds before they can talk with you. Some parents, no matter how much they love their children, don't know how to talk about upsetting things with them. If your parents aren't able to talk with you about your feelings, they may be able to help you find someone you can talk to, like someone at the hospital, a relative or friend, or a teacher or school counselor.

Here is what some others who have had a parent or brother or sister with cancer have said about what they felt:

Being Scared

"I really didn't understand much at first. Mostly I was afraid that she might die, because my sister and I are pretty close. I was really scared, and I also thought it might be catching or something."-Laura, age 13

The girl who said this had a sister with cancer, but it can be just as scary when a parent has cancer. When someone is first diagnosed with cancer, it may seem as though your whole world has fallen apart. You may not know much about it, so you may remember what you've heard about cancer before. Being afraid someone might die from cancer is normal, especially if the only people with cancer that you have known have died. And being afraid that you or another person in the family might catch it is normal, too. Why? Because there are so many things you can catch from someone else such as a cold or the flu. It's easy to think cancer may be the same, but doctors and other scientists know that you cannot catch cancer from anyone. Learning about cancer can help you. You will feel less afraid when you know more about the disease.

"One day I went to the clinic with my brother for his treatment. I saw the machine that he gets radiation from and how IVs work, and I met his doctor and the nurses. I saw lots of other kids who didn't have any more hair than he does. Now, when he goes to the clinic, I don't have to wonder what he's going through. I know what it's like. It's no fun for a little kid like him, but it's not as bad as I thought."-Matthew, age 14

Hearing about treatments and tests can be hard. Some people find it's scary just to think about the needles and blood tests and radiation treatments. Sometimes, learning about these things and talking to the person with cancer (or someone else) about what it's really like is the best way to deal with these fears. If a trip to the hospital is possible, it might help.

"When dad's in the hospital, mom goes too, and I stay with my aunt, Emily. She's nice, but sometimes, I get scared because I don't know how dad is, or I miss them. So now mom and dad call me every night before dinner, and they tell me what's happening, and I can tell them about my day, and I know they're all right."-Erin, age 9

Sometimes, when one parent has cancer, the other one spends a lot of time at the hospital and away from the rest of the family. Having their parents at the hospital instead of at home can be scary to some young people. They may worry about their parents and need to have someone special to call to make sure that things are all right.

Feeling Guilty

"I got really mad at Chrissy one day. She wouldn't let me go bike riding with her and my cousin, and I got mad and said 'I wish you were dead.' Now she has leukemia, and she could die, and I think maybe it's my fault. I was scared to tell anyone because then they'd all know what I did and be mad. But my dad heard me crying one night, and he got me to tell him why. He says it isn't my fault or anybody else's that Chrissy has cancer, and you can't make somebody get cancer just by what you say."-Katy, age 10

Until you understand what does and doesn't cause cancer, it's easy to think that anything could have done it-even words or a fall.

"I left my junk all over the floor one night instead of putting it away, and the next morning, mom fell over it. She was mad and had a lot of bruises. A little later, the doctor told her she had cancer. She's in the hospital now. Maybe if she hadn't fallen down because of me, she'd be okay."-Tom, age 11

Just as words can't cause cancer, neither can bruises or bumps or even broken bones. Never forget: It was nothing you did, said, or thought that caused the cancer.

Some people are afraid to tell any one what they are thinking and may feel guilty for a long time. Even if your parents can see that something is worrying you, they may not be able to guess what it is. It's hard to talk about, especially if you think you've done something wrong, and everyone will be mad at you. But it is best to get it out in the open so you and your parents or someone at the hospital can talk it over.

People sometimes feel guilty because they are well, and their parent or sibling is sick. Young people may feel that it's not right for them to enjoy things they like to do when the person with cancer can't do what he or she likes. These feelings show that you care about your family, but it's important to care not only for the person with cancer but also for yourself. It's best for everyone if you keep being you and doing things that are important to you.

"Last year, mom and dad always drove me to play softball, but now dad's sick and mom's always at the hospital or busy at work or at home. I didn't think I'd be able to play this year, and I wasn't sure I should, with my dad so sick. I told my grandmom, and she said I should play, and she'd take me. She likes to come, and she tells my folks all about the game and how I played. Next year, maybe, they'll all be able to come."-Dave, age 11

Getting Mad

"Sometimes, I feel mad at my brother for having cancer. I know that's not right, and he can't help it. But it has changed everything. My mom and dad don't talk about anything but him and neither does anyone else. It's just not fair."-Sharon, age 13

People who have a brother or sister or a parent with cancer can feel angry at that person for getting sick and changing their lives. This may seem wrong, and people sometimes feel guilty about getting mad. But, if having someone with cancer in your family means you can't be with your parents as much or have to stay somewhere else or give up things you like, it can be hard. Even if you understand why it's happening, you don't have to like it. Others who have been through it say it's important to remember that things won't always be this way. And when you get mad, remember that it doesn't mean you are a bad person or don't love the person with cancer. It just means you're mad.

About the Author

www.nci.nih.gov
The National Cancer Institute's research programs are extensive and contain many innovative initiatives. I invite you to explore our Web site to find out more about the exciting work being conducted here at NCI and by NCI-supported scientists throughout the country.