Myth of the Marriage, Part 2

The Total Marriage Makeover: A Proven Plan to Revolutionize Your Marriage
by David Clarke, Ph.D.

(Page 2 of 2)

Every married couple goes through this rude transition from infatuation to the reality of married life. No one warns us that this is going to happen! Even if someone did, we wouldn't listen. We're convinced that we'll be the exception. Unfortunately, there are no exceptions.

Now, it's bad enough at this point with just the two of you living together. But it's about to get worse. Much worse. When you add another human being to the equation, the breakdown of your perfect love life accelerates.

Gain A Child, Lose Everything Else

Your beautiful bouncing baby has arrived. Your new child is an exciting addition to the family and a precious gift from God. But it dawns on you fairly quickly that when you have a child, you lose many things.

You lose your money. The thousands of dollars it costs just to bring a baby into the world is only the beginning of the emptying of your bank account. Clothes, blankets, crib, bumper pads, onesies, booties, tiny caps, baby shampoo, baby soap, lotion for the frequent diaper rashes, changing table, diapers by the hundreds, diaper bag, stroller, car seat, walker, pacifiers, spit-up rags, one thousand toys, mobiles, a lifetime supply of cereal and crackers, formula, a baby book, a college fund, and on and on and on the list goes.

You lose your sleep. Babies scream unpredictably throughout the day and night. Babies scream when hungry. When thirsty. When their diapers are loaded. When Mommy leaves the room. When the slightest bit of discomfort occurs. When the blanket shifts. When the all-important pacifier is spit out and gets wedged between the crib and the wall where a team of CSIs couldn't find it. When the room is dark. When their tummies are upset. When they want company and a warm chest to snuggle against. When happy. When sad. When frustrated. When you've just dropped off to sleep after the last episode of screaming.

You lose your personal time and your couple time. That screaming, pooping, belching, and spitting-up little bundle of neediness is always around! Even when you're together, the baby is there and in the spotlight.

You lose your sex. It's just about impossible to have regular sex when you're exhausted, irritable, and spending every waking minute taking care of a baby. How ironic that your baby is both the product of your sex life and the reason for its demise.

You lose your ability to be a rational, caring, unselfish person. Especially at night. When the lights go out and the baby is in the crib, it's survival time. It's every parent for himself or herself. You become sleep commandos who will do anything — and I mean anything — for a few extra winks. The baby cries, and you lie perfectly still, pretending to be asleep. You feel no guilt, only a dogged determination to outlast your spouse. In this high-stakes game of cat and mouse, whoever moves first loses and has to deal with the screaming tyrant. Sure, your spouse will hate your guts, but it's only temporary, and it's a price you're willing to pay to take care of yourself.

You lose your sports car. This one really hurts the men. Like anyone else cares. Driving a minivan that your wife picked out strips you of your manhood. You become an automotive eunuch. As people on foot and kids on bikes go faster than your minivan, you endure the looks of pity from men in Corvettes, BMWs, and Porsches.

But what you really lose is your marriage. When the baby arrives, your marriage goes. At least temporarily. Your relationship is suspended because the child becomes the center of your lives. It happens to every couple. The second your first child is born, you go from being marriage-centered to child-centered.

The wife becomes a mom and is obsessed with nurturing and caring for her baby. You were once her baby! Her attention shifts from husband to child. It has to! She's not wrong in doing this. It's natural and God-directed. Unfortunately, husbands often feel left out, neglected, and not a priority. The marriage suffers.

By the way, if you have another child, the losses and disruption to your marriage are doubled, at least at first. A third child? Triple it. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Sandy and I have four children. You do the math.

Now, For The Truth

The truth is, infatuation doesn't last. It's wonderful, but it's only a phase. It never lasts. It can't last. At least not the way it is at the beginning of a marriage. Making a marriage successful and intimate is hard work, and you must keep up the hard work to maintain your love. But here's a promise: After your Marriage Makeover, those same wonderful feelings of infatuation — but deeper now and based on experience — will return, and will last a lifetime.

The truth is that children bring tremendous challenges to a marriage. Kids are wonderful, and they're gifts from God, but the relentless pressure they apply forces a husband and wife to make adjustments they don't know how to make.

The truth is that our American culture is clueless about what it takes to make a marriage work. But God isn't. God created marriage, and He knows exactly what it takes to make it work. Not just work — thrive.

What do you do when your infatuation has run out, your differences and habits are driving you crazy, and your children have taken over your lives ? You do a Marriage Makeover. A makeover based on God's Word, the Bible.

You've waited long enough for a great marriage. Let's get started on your makeover.

Snapshot Carolyn and Rich

Realization:

"It's time for us to love each other the way God says to love." — Carolyn

What went wrong?

• Bought into the myth of perpetual infatuation.
• Blending two families was "brutally hard."

Current challenges:

• "The kids have come between us."
• Individual approach to problems has marriage on brink of divorce.

Next steps:

• Acknowledge primary interest in repairing marriage.
• Agree to pursue changes in God's biblical way.

Makeover Steps

1. Talk with your spouse about your infatuation stage. Recall how God brought you together. Describe the feelings you had and some specific memories from that wonderful stage.

2. When did your infatuation end? Which of the before-and-after marriage scenarios sounds most familiar? Discuss the weaknesses you began to see in your spouse.

3. If you have children, talk about how they have affected your marriage. Be honest and specific about how having a child — or more than one — has negatively affected your marriage relationship.

4. What cultural myths about marriage have you believed? What has been the effect of believing these myths?

Excerpted from "The Total Marriage Makeover" by David Clarke, Ph.D. © 2006 by Barbour Publishing. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Dr. David Clarke is a popular speaker and author, as well as a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice. He holds a master's degree in biblical studies from Dallas Theological Seminary and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Western Seminary. David and his wife, Sandy, live in Florida with their four children.