Myth of the Marriage

The Total Marriage Makeover: A Proven Plan to Revolutionize Your Marriage
by David Clarke, Ph.D.

A good marriage is a great thing-and The Total Marriage Makeover can make any marriage better. This practical plan promises results to any couple willing to work at advancing this most intimate relationship. With a step-by-step plan for improving communication, the understanding of each other, and the spiritual aspect of a couple's life together, The Total Marriage Makeover also features the encouraging, real-life stories of husbands and wives who successfully followed the plan. Written by a Christian psychologist who counsels couples, The Total Marriage Makeover is an easy-to-read, hard-to-forget volume featuring humor, intriguing pull-out material, and a helpful resource section.

Chapter 3

Infatuation Can Last Forever

Let me take you back in time to the early days of your relationship. Can you picture those days? You meet, and you both know there's a spark of mutual interest and desire. You're clicking as you've never clicked with anyone before. The spark is leaping into a flame of supercharged emotions, and you're falling in love.

Excitement that sets your hearts racing. Passion off the charts. A wonderful feeling of closeness. Music in the air. Candlelight dinners. Long talks. Laughter. The two of you are riding the crest of a massive wave of feelgood vibes and intense love.

Falling in love is hormonal. It's a biochemical reaction. It's just like what happens at the zoo during mating season. The animals stir in their cages and are driven to mate and procreate by instinctive forces they don't understand. The male orangutan sidles over on his knuckles to a female and says in ape talk, "Hey, baby, new here at the zoo? You're looking good today." She replies, "I've been here in this same cage with you for ten years, Sparky. But I have to tell you, big boy, I like what I see. Come and get me."

You two orangutans — I mean, humans — are ecstatic. Exhilarated. Intoxicated with happiness. Everything is perfect. Your partner is perfect. Your relationship is perfect. You feel all your needs are met in this person. Totally and completely. You have no complaints at all. You have found your soul mate. You marvel at how well you get along and how much you have in common. You agree on everything. You have no conflicts. You have no problems of any kind. Nothing can go wrong.

Your partner can slam the car door on your hand, and it's okay. It's all good. "It's fine, sweetheart. Really. Now whenever I look at my crippled hand, I'll think of you."

Your physical relationship is out of this world. Your touch is charged with electricity. You have trouble keeping your hands off of each other. Each kiss is unbelievable. Long, wet, and delicious. Even potato chip breath smells good. When your lips meet, fireworks go off, birds sing, and world peace is a little closer.

You think your communication as a couple is terrific. You can talk for hours and not get tired of each other. You believe you're reaching deep levels of emotional connection and understanding. Everything your partner says seems profound and personal and revealing:

"I like that dress."
"I had a lousy day at work."
"I think there's a rock in my shoe."
"Bugs Bunny is my favorite cartoon character."

These statements are fascinating, stimulating, and devas-tatingly insightful to you. Actually, they aren't, but in the fiery glow of infatuation, they seem to be.

When Infatuation is Over, It's Over

There's a term for these incredibly happy, cloud-nine days. It's infatuation. Oh, what a marvelous stage in a relationship ! And it's a God-designed stage. He wants you to have it. It's part of His plan for bringing two people together and getting them married. God knows that without infatuation, no one would ever get married.

Notice I used the word stage. That's because infatuation is designed to be only temporary. After one to three years, it ends. With a thud! Never to return. Infatuation gets you to the wedding, but it's not going to carry you for fifty or sixty years of marital bliss. Within the first few years of most marriages, the infatuation stage ends. And when it's over, it's over.

In infatuation's place comes real life — two unbelievably different individuals trying to live together without killing each other or driving each other crazy. You notice flaws in your once-perfect partner. Quite a few, actually. You're still perfect, of course, but your spouse definitely isn't. You don't see eye to eye on everything. You disagree. You're right, and your spouse is wrong. The bloom is clearly off the rose, and things start to get messy and difficult. Welcome to marriage.

Before And After the Marriage

Just a few years (and sometimes only a few months) into your marriage, your view of your partner changes. Infatuation has evaporated, and you can now see all of his or her frustrating, disgusting, and terribly disappointing weaknesses. Suddenly, the knot you tied looks more like a ball and chain.

I'll illustrate this before-and-after-marriage change by using a newly married couple: Marv and Marge.

Before Marriage: "Marge is kind of disorganized. It's cute. She has trouble finding her keys."

After Marriage: "The woman is a slob! You would not believe the filth and clutter she creates. How can a grown woman live that way? Every square inch of the top of our tables, bureaus, and kitchen counters is filled with stacks of her stuff. And, so help me, I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to keep waiting while she roots through her mountain of debris looking for those stupid keys!"

Before Marriage: "Marv is very affectionate. He likes to touch me. I know it's an expression of his love. It feels great to be wanted. He makes me feel beautiful and desirable."

After Marriage: "All he thinks about is sex! He's an animal! Does he have some kind of glandular problem? Every day is like mating season. He's always pawing at me!"

Before Marriage: "Marge can't cook. It's funny how she can't even boil water. I'm not marrying her for her cooking ability."

After Marriage: "If I'm not starving to death, I'm struggling not to spit up what she's cooked. The health department would shut down her kitchen if they knew what was going on in there. Is she trying to poison me?"

Before Marriage: "Marv is so helpful and does so many things for me. He goes grocery shopping with me, goes to the mall with me, runs errands for me, washes my car, and is always asking what he can do to make my life easier."

After Marriage: "You have never seen a lazier man in your life! I'm surprised he can hold a job. He has energy only for sex. He'd rather face a firing squad than go the mall. He sits on the couch clicking that stupid remote or plays those silly computer games. It takes a court order or the business end of a shotgun to get him to do a household chore. He tells me he pulls his weight around the house. I tell him he puts his weight — on the couch."

Before Marriage: "Marge is bubbly and is so expressive. She's never at a loss for words. I love her stories. There's never a lull in our conversations."

After Marriage: "I pray every day for one lull in a conversation. Just one! The woman never stops talking! She doesn't even take a breath. She beats her gums all day long, and I can't take it much longer. Every thought and feeling she has is spoken. Please! Make her stop!"

Before Marriage: "Marv is the strong, silent type. He doesn't talk that much, but that's okay. He's a good listener. I feel safe and secure with him. We can just be together without talking, and it's beautiful."

After Marriage: "He talks to the dog more than he talks to me! The man is a stick! The only sound he makes is when he clears his throat. What he's thinking and feeling is the world's greatest mystery. I am seriously considering getting him checked for brain damage."

These scenarios sound familiar? I'll bet they do. Before marriage we're in Fantasyland. After marriage we enter Realityland. We slowly realize with horror who we've really married.

Excerpted from "The Total Marriage Makeover" by David Clarke, Ph.D. © 2006 by Barbour Publishing. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Dr. David Clarke is a popular speaker and author, as well as a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice. He holds a master's degree in biblical studies from Dallas Theological Seminary and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Western Seminary. David and his wife, Sandy, live in Florida with their four children.