Taking Your Cyber Relationship Offline

by Toni Coleman, LCSW

I always know when spring is here. I wake to the sound of birds singing, lawn mowers humming, backyard grills smoking, longer days, and a feeling of excited anticipation about the season to come. It seems that no matter what stage of adulthood we are in- there are responsibilities, burdens and "life happening" stuff that can come between us and the simple pleasures that can be found all around- if we tune our senses to them.

If life is about the journey, not the getting there, we would all be closer to those feelings we experienced as children, and long for as adults- if we could learn to let go (for small periods each day) of what we didn't get done yesterday or need to do by tomorrow- and just savored the experience of the here and now. It seems we put so much energy and planning into everything we do that we are often left disappointed when we don't achieve the satisfaction from our lives and relationships that we work so hard for.

Spring inspires us with its miracle of rebirth and renewal. Make a (small?) commitment to give yourself permission every day to reflect on your life, your hopes and dreams and your goals for the future. Take that extra 10 or 15 minutes in the morning to sit on your deck or patio and enjoy the warmth of the sun and the sounds of the waking world around you. When you are experiencing a lovely moment during your day, allow yourself to linger and enjoy- without letting that internal voice push you into rushing off to get all those things done- that you will never get truly caught up on, no matter how fast you run or how much leisure time you sacrifice.

We have all heard people say that "the one" comes along when we are not looking and least expect it. I have a theory about that. I think we find love when we are living in the moment- not looking back or forward or trying to make something happen. For this is when we are truly open and authentically ourselves. In reality, everyone who wants a relationship is always looking. Unfortunately, they may not have allowed the space in their lives that finding and growing a relationship requires. If finding that right guy or girl is a priority for you, make sure you put aside the time and take some concrete steps towards your goal. Perhaps you could begin with creating an online profile or tweaking the one you already have- to make it work better for you.

This article talks about how to move a cyber relationship offline. Every day singles are winking, emailing and having that first phone conversation with someone they have met through a personal ad. This new way of meeting and starting relationships has brought about many questions regarding the what, when, where and how of moving from cyber acquaintances to that first in-person experience and beyond. If you are one of the millions of singles looking for love online- read on for some useful tips.

"Most relationships are not made in heaven. They come in kits and you have to put them together yourselves."

— Anonymous

Now that an online personal ad is an essential item in almost every dater's toolkit, new questions are arising regarding the "right" way to take a cyber interest consisting of winks and emails to that first face to face encounter. While there is no one right way to accomplish this, the following tips touch on the important things to consider and address some of the most common questions and concerns voiced by virtual daters everywhere.

Carefully read over their profile and email before you agree to talk on the phone.

It's important not to rush the process because they SOUND good on paper and seem to be what you are looking for. Read between the lines, look for inconsistencies and ask yourself if anything feels "off." Then, address your concerns in your next email. It is not necessary to be confrontive or harsh, just open in your questions and observations. Keep your comments open-ended, which will help to keep things light and flowing between you- yet allow you to get the information you need. Too often the desire for a relationships overrides a person's good judgment. If someone has real potential, they will not run away from respectfully voiced questions/concerns.

Don't wait more than a few weeks before arranging your first meeting (date).

Unless there are very special circumstances, several weeks of emailing and phone calls should give both people enough information to decide whether they want to take the next step. If one person always has an excuse for why they cannot meet and/or is inconsistent in their communication or virtual availability - this is a red flag that should not be ignored. If distance is an issue, then this should be discussed upfront, and a plan for that first date should be included. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a holding pattern with someone who may not even be who they say they are and/or may be very different from what you had imagined from afar.

Don't reveal too much personal information before you have had the chance to meet in person.

All you can be sure of is that SOMEONE is on the other end of these emails and phone calls. It will take time to experience them and evaluate your interactions as you look for inconsistencies and red flags as well as the positive traits/connections that you are looking for. As your comfort level increases and you begin to build some trust, you can slowly share more personal details. Besides, you need to save some things to talk about on your first date.

Agree to meet if everything feels right and you have no big reservations or concerns.

After a few weeks of getting to know someone online, it is time to make the call about moving forward or not. Your instincts will be your best guide here; so let them weigh heavily in your decision. Since safety is always an issue, you should never ignore anything that makes you uneasy or uncomfortable. Also remember that you will not have the whole picture or know if the chemistry is truly right until you meet in person.

Practice safety and arrange meet in a public place the first time.

You may be old fashioned and believe that the man should pick up his date; however- this is not a wise practice when you haven't even met one another yet. So, choose a place where it is very open and there will be many people around. Also, for you women out there- consider parking in advance and if you will be required to park in a dark area or far away from the meeting place. If so, consider taking a cab. Depending upon how the date goes, you may want to go on from (for instance) coffee to dinner, or dinner to an after hours place for a drink and/or music. If so, take your own transportation there, or a cab together. Then, go home to your own place. If this is the right guy there will be many more dates to come.

Pick a venue that is both public and flexible.

Even if the person you have been corresponding to online and talking to by phone sounds perfect, you won't really know if this is someone you will have the right chemistry with until you meet. Therefore, it is important to consider choosing that first meeting place with all scenarios in mind. For instance, if your first thoughts are about how fast you can comfortably excuse yourself, you will be miserable if you have committed to attending a professional ballgame, at a distance from home. However, if you meet at a nice coffee house and the date is going well, you can always decide to continue on to dinner, drinks, etc. Best times are lunch or late afternoon, which leave you an easy out or time to continue on.

If the date is going well, you will want to have some ideas in mind for how to continue it.

Bring along times for movies, names of clubs and featured entertainment, or ideas for a nice (close) place to get a bite. Always bring extra money and your cell.

Be prepared for how to say goodnight.

If the date went well, have a plan for how you can suggest the next meeting or talk about where to go from there. If necessary, practice some lines if you have difficulty talking about your feelings due to fears of rejection. It is often necessary to take a risk to get what you want. If the date is one you never want to repeat, you will need to find the words to gently communicate this. Honesty is not only a good thing; it saves the other person from being left hanging and from repeated attempts to communicate with you-, which will be unpleasant for both of you. It is not necessary to be brutally honest about your feelings- just clear that the connection wasn't there for you and that you want to be upfront and open about this. They may react badly, but that will be the end of it.

Healthy, successful dating requires self-knowledge, maturity and a willingness to take risks and handle the disappointments and difficult moments that everyone needs to go through. If you truly want a relationship, you will be open to the good and bad that come with finding and creating one.

End Notes

This month's article was written in response to the overwhelming load of email I receive with questions about online dating. As more and more singles of all ages have turned to the internet to find love, new questions have been spawned that have few answers, due to the newness of this experience. Over time, it will seem less daunting, and by applying a carefully thought out approach that takes safety and common sense into consideration- you can benefit from the many plusses that come with cyber meeting. Who know, you and your future partner could someday (soon?) post of those glowing testimonials we have all read on singles sites- detailing the success of finding happy love online.

About the Author

www.consum-mate.com
Toni Coleman LCSW is a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with singles wanting intimate lasting