Be a Better Listener

by SAMHSA

Watch: Listening Skills

A Family Circus cartoon shows a little girl looking up at her father and saying, "Daddy, you have to listen with your eyes as well as your ears." The Family Circus character highlights the importance of good listening skills - especially when the speaker is your child.

Have you ever talked on the telephone while watching TV, folding clothes, or surfing the Internet? Have you ever felt that the person you were talking to was nodding and saying "uh-huh" in appropriate places but not really listening to you? The message conveyed in these examples is that the listener has higher priorities than giving full attention to the speaker. That message can make the speaker feel unimportant, frustrated, and hurt.

Good listening is one of the most important skills we as parents can develop. We want to strengthen our relationships with our children, and one of the best ways to do this is through our active, caring listening. Our undivided attention to what our children are saying tells them that they are important to us. It shows that we value them as individuals; we care about them and every part of their lives. Also, we can teach them to be good listeners by modeling good listening skills.

What To Know

Be prepared to drop what you are doing when your child wants to talk, even when it is not the most convenient time for you. A child or teen may finally get up the courage to discuss a tough problem, and you don't want to miss the opportunity to connect with him through active listening.

What To Do

Be interested and attentive. Look into your child's eyes while she is speaking. Forget about the telephone, the television, and whatever else you were doing - just listen!

Don't interrupt. Sometimes, as parents, we want to jump into the conversation with an opinion or a solution before letting our child finish talking. By being an active listener, we can help him work through an issue on his own instead of solving the problem for him.

Give your child active feedback while she is speaking - nodding, giving verbal responses such as "I see," etc. When she has finished speaking, ask clarifying questions or restate what she's said. If she is telling you something she is enthusiastic about, for example, try to respond with similar enthusiasm.

Name the feeling You can help your child clarify his feelings through your active feedback by restating his thoughts or asking questions. This can help him deal with a problem or tackle a difficult task. He can clarify, for example, that he's avoiding his homework because he's afraid he can't do the math. Facing this fear will help him overcome it.

Watch for nonverbal messages. Posture, eye contact, energy level - these can all be clues to your child's true feelings. She may tell you school is going okay but her nonverbal messages may tell a different story.

Ask open-ended questions. Avoid asking questions that can be answered with a yes or no.

Don't talk down to your child no matter what his age. You probably know more than he does from experience alone, but don't use this knowledge to discount his opinions. Don't say, for example, "You're only 14. What do you know about.?"

Followup. Try to remember and ask about issues or events your child talked about a day or two earlier. This shows her that you were listening and are concerned about the outcomes.

Put It Into Practice

Watch as the mother in the vignette shows her listening skills. At first, she clearly isn't listening, and her daughter becomes angry with her. The mother then stops and begins to show good listening skills. How many different types of active listening can you spot?

About the Author

www.samhsa.gov
SAMHSA works to improve the quality and availability of substance abuse prevention, alcohol and drug addiction treatment, and mental health services. Includes links to support groups, information resources, events and articles.