Part 1

It Was Food vs. Me ... and I Won
by Nancy Goodman

"I have a great life, if only I could stop eating." Those were the words Nancy Goodman used to describe herself. Like millions of women of all ages, she had an obsession with food. She was obsessed with her weight, obsessed with eating, and obsessed with not eating. It didn't matter that she "looked OK" or "good enough" to most people. She was trapped in a life of dieting and deprivation rather than leading a life true to who she wanted to be.

In It Was Food Vs. Me . . . and I Won, Nancy speaks directly to readers and shares her inspiring story and lessons for breaking free. As Nancy discovered, when she finally began to confront the true issues facing her, instead of the self-created ones about food, she was able to lose weight, start eating the foods she loved, stop obsessing, and flourish in more ways than she had ever imagined. With total honesty and a passion for helping others, she offers refreshing advice on dealing with everything from daily food choices, cravings, and emotional triggers to the realities of binges and setbacks, setting nonweight goals, and living one's dreams. As Nancy says, "Willpower is not about sticking to diets, it's about sticking to the truth . . . when you begin to live close to the person who lives inside you, food loses its control over you."

The real triumph of It Was Food Vs. Me . . . and I Won is Nancy's funny, intimate, charismatic voice, which comes through on every page of this powerful and timely book. Her enthusiasm, directness, and warmth will inspire and motivate anyone who wants to live a healthier, more rewarding life.

Be inspired and learn how to:

• Keep SAFE -- Separate Always Food and Emotion and understand what triggers your overeating

• Feed your cravings and accept your bingesóto take the fear out of food

• Structure your eating -- instead of dieting, to help you lose weight and enjoy the foods you love

• Exercise to feel strong and alive -- not just to burn calories

• Redirect your energy from food and weight to your life -- and discover who you really are

Chapter 1

It's not like the bagel was fresh. It was discarded. It wasn't sitting on a plate with garnishes of lettuce, cream cheese, or tomato. It was on the car floor. It wasn't that I had no other options, like the homeless who scrounge for any available food to survive. I had a beautiful family and a wonderful home with a kitchen full of food. Something must have been terribly wrong inside, but I didn't know what or why. All I knew was that the bagel that lay on the floor of my car, minus three bites from one of my kids, ended up getting eaten. And we had no dog.

It's not like I was unappealing, grotesque, or unhappy. I didn't look like the kind of girl who ate fuzzy bagels and cabinets of food. To the contrary, I was admired for my "discipline" and self-control. I was in great shape, cooked healthy foods, and was knowledgeable about nutrition. I knew the fat grams in fuzz. What I didn't know was why I had this curse. It was private, shameful, and painful. It was devastating and life-stealing. It was a constant in my life; I could not control my eating.

On any given day, weight gain was my fear. Weight loss was my goal. I couldn't eat a meal, couldn't eat a sandwich, and couldn't eat a bite of someone else's without worrying about losing control. And when I found myself sitting in my car after the kids had gotten out, I couldn't stop what was happening. I turned around, saw that bagel, and stuffed it into my mouth. I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget the feeling of loss. Who was I and what was I doing? And the race to the kitchen that followed. I made a phone call that day that would forever change my life. The Bagel Day was Day One.

I'm not sure why I made the call that day. After all, I had been bingeing since my early teens. If I wasn't eating, I was thinking about eating. If I was eating, I was devastated by the inability to stop. If I was all right with my eating, I was tormented by the fear of it not lasting. Simple things like making plans were determined by my weight. I never made plans on Mondays; I would be too fat from Sunday. I needed advance notice of social plans so I could lose weight beforehand. Funerals were always a problem because they came without proper notice; I might have to be seen on a Monday. Cancellations were a necessary tool for the times I felt too fat to go.

I had many fears in my life. I was afraid of my husband's family; they had food everywhere on Sundays. I was afraid of my relatives' homes. They had cabinets and foods I knew I wouldn't be able to get away from. My friends' houses had cookies and chips that I intentionally kept out of my own home but always feared in theirs. Even my grandmother's house was scary. Parties and dinners were overwhelming. Holidays were useless. Birthdays had cake and goody bags. There were paper plates with pizza crusts, abandoned as kids left to play.

Every event, every home, every night, every day, I was never safe from food. It would be there waiting and there was nothing I could do. I would prepare myself by setting rules. I looked to my husband to help me enforce them. If I knew I was headed for trouble with food, I would ask him to watch and stand guard. "Don't let me eat," I would say. I would tell myself to be strong and strategize a plan. Maybe I would eat before I went so that I wouldn't eat as much there. Or not eat all day so I would only eat there. But all of my efforts would fail. No matter what I did, how hard I tried, nothing ever worked. It would win. It always did. Sometimes I went home and cried.

There was only one place I felt safe in my life and that was on a diet. A diet to me was like a big iron gate that kept food on the other side. I had no choices facing me, no points of decision that might be wrong or might lead me to bad places with eating. A diet was hope. It was success. It was the only way I could live calmly. That wonderful calm would last only awhile. Following it were the inevitable "cheats" sabotaging what success I had.

At the time I viewed those cheats as my own inability to succeed in my goal to be thin. Since small cheats led to larger cheats, which led to lost pounds gained back, I thought I was ruining my own happiness. I looked at my life. It was everything I had ever wished for. What a shame all that was ruined by one horrible problem with food. What would cure me? What would allow me to live my life without fear? Why couldn't I stop this curse?

Food and weight steered me. Every morning I woke up to another day I would attempt disciplined eating. Every hour was spent waiting to eat and then trying not to. Every place I went demanded a thought as to what foods would face me. Every plan I made included a goal to lose weight beforehand.

There was no such thing as "one." One cookie was not possible, therefore cookies were not allowed. Allowing myself chips, crackers, or anything with fat, salt, or sugar was asking for trouble. Salads, fruits, vegetables, and other foods that were not threatening would be all right, so I ate them in very large quantities to try to get satisfied. Any day I managed to eat these foods was a successful day.

I weighed myself daily to watch my progress. If I lost a pound or two my mood was happy and energetic. If I wasn't losing weight my mood was depressed, making it even more difficult to eat in control. Then, of course, after a few days, I would break away from the routine, slip into some "bad" foods, and find myself in bouts of uncontrollable eating.

My mornings and early afternoons were fine, until around four p.m., when I would find myself in the kitchen bringing out the contents of my refrigerator. My kids would be playing at this time and I occupied myself with crunchy, salty foods or just sampling whatever I found. This was why I couldn't have dinner. By the time my husband came home, I had consumed far more than I should have. Most foods I cooked for my family were foods I wasn't allowed. So I picked at the food and watched everyone else eat the meal I longed to have. This was a typical day.

© 2004 Viking a division of Penguin Putnam, used by permission.

About the Author

Nancy Goodman is a mother and wife who overcame her lifelong obsession with food. Her story was featured on the Web site of bestselling author Caroline Myss and got an overwhelming response that led to the publication of this book. She has created a health and fitness program for children called Core Kids and speaks to many women's and health groups.