Displays of Power, The Self-Esteem Factor

In the Company of Women
by Pat Heim, Ph.D., Susan Murphy, Ph.D.

(Page 4 of 4)

Displays of Power

Ostentatious displays (see the box below)-the furs, the showy diamonds, the luxurious house, the flashy car-although they might not get you far if you're stranded in the Kalahari Desert, are all symbols of power in our society at which other women may take umbrage and seek to even the score. These various displays must be cautiously managed because female co-workers may become resentful of them.

Status symbols can entail more than simple material wealth. Suppose you have been promoted to manage your former co-workers. In such a case, it would be wise to manage your symbolic display of power. At least for the first few weeks, you might, for example, choose to do your own copying and pick up your own faxes rather than ordering a subordinate around. And when you are ready to ask for assistance, you might phrase your request as "Could you do me a favor and..." New hires might not have the same difficulties with you and would be coming on board with a different set of expectations for the relationship. But, as we'll elaborate in chapter 7, some management of the symbolic power display may be called for when your former peers become your subordinates.

Body language (an open posture, head held high, expansive use of personal space), a confident air, and a condescending tone can also be construed as displays of power. At one of Pat's workshops held in Chicago, when a question about leadership styles came up, one man asked about Mike Ditka. Pat had to confess that she didn't know who he was-to her, an insignificant lapse-but at lunch later, a group participant sought to rub her nose in it. "I can't believe you don't know who Mike Ditka is," Diana said in a disparaging tone.

Pat explained that she isn't from the Midwest, and that she usually doesn't read the sports section of the newspaper, to which Diana coolly replied, "I would know who the coach is if you were talking about Los Angeles or San Diego."

"But I don't really care about football," Pat protested.

"I don't either, but I stay well informed on all topics" was this woman's haughty response.

Immediately, Pat had the impulse to go into full power-display mode and raise a subject such as the intricacies of the human genome project with this snooty individual, hoping that Diana wasn't knowledgeable on that topic, just so Pat could even out the conversation and the score. Instead, Pat held her tongue and tried to understand how Diana's world looked to her. She decided that if Diana did this to her, she probably did it at work too. Pat was running the workshop and had a great deal of legitimate and expert power that might have felt threatening to Diana.

Ironically, had Pat responded to Diana's power play, it would have backfired. Pat didn't feel diminished because she was ignorant about Mike Ditka-this was not something she cared much about. But Diana's seemingly arrogant display of power could have quickly triggered a destructive conflict with someone less aware or cautious, and it also might have made her seem unattractively supercilious to her assembled co-workers.

The Self-Esteem Factor

Self-esteem refers to how well you think of and value yourself, how much you're worth in your own eyes, and the power you allow yourself to have. Matthew McKay, psychologist and clinical director of Haight-Ashbury Psychological Services in San Francisco, explains in his book Self-Esteem, "One of the main factors differentiating humans from other animals is the awareness of self; the ability to form an identity and then attach a value to it. In other words, you have the capacity to define who you are and then decide if you like the identity or not."

When you evaluate the level of your self-esteem, you look at intrinsic qualities such as whether you believe you're a useful person, how much you trust yourself, and how self-satisfied you feel. Are you pleased or unhappy about what you've accomplished in your life so far? How well do you relate to others? How comfortably do you accept responsibility for your actions? Whether your self-esteem level is high or low depends on how you feel about the following:

• Your sense of value: Do you feel that you have good qualities? Do you accept yourself and your emotions?

• Your accomplishments: Do you believe that you reach the goals you've set for yourself, you receive recognition for your efforts, and you continually work to develop your capacities?

• Your relationships: Are you able to get close to others, share, and establish a sense of trust?

• Your abilities: Do you have faith in your productiveness at your work and your capacity to act with self-control, make decisions, and shape your own destiny?

• Your sense of responsibility: Do you hold yourself accountable for your own failures? Do you take an active role in resolving any conflicts you are involved in?

• How others perceive you: Do your friends, colleagues, and family members treat you with respect? Do they appreciate your talents, abilities, and uniqueness?

As with your Power Profile, you can't define who you are in a vacuum. Rather, you do so through a world of cues that give you feedback about how the world sees you. It would be hard to hold a positive self-image if all those around you sent messages to the contrary-even if they were wrong. Sometimes others may even be spitefully wrong. They know they're being cruel in putting forth a negative assessment of you, but they somehow feel justified in their vindictiveness. Sometimes people will do their darnedest to make you feel bad no matter what, and once you take their opinion of you personally, your sense of self-esteem can be mired in an accelerating downward spiral.

All humans strive to feel good about themselves, and when our self-esteem is toppled, everyone feels a natural urge to right it. But self-esteem plays into our equation among women in quite a different way than it does for men. Women are more likely to "be hard on themselves" and "beat themselves up," therefore lowering their self-esteem. They are more likely to engage in negative self-talk ("I'm so stupid. How could I have said that?") and advertise their flubs ("You won't believe how I screwed up today!"). These self-defeating behaviors may be a temporary outlet for our feelings of frustration, but they almost invariably result in lowered self-esteem.

Interpersonal conflict can also diminish self-esteem. Says Carol Gilligan, author of In a Different Voice, "Women not only define themselves in a context of human relationship but also judge themselves in terms of their ability to care." Since women highly value their caring relations with their colleagues, when they experience interpersonal discord, they often disparage themselves as inadequate, which cuts into their positive sense of self. This is especially true because women's conversations touch so many levels of one another's lives beyond the world of work: friends, family, menstrual cycles, restaurants, travel...When relationships break down, women are affected much more than merely at work.

One of the respondents to our Web site questionnaire described how complicated life became when she found herself enmeshed in a destructive conflict with her supervisor. "A woman boss gave my business partner and me our first break and became our mentor," she wrote. "But when we felt it was best for us to move on and 'spread our wings,' our mentor took it personally. She literally felt we'd betrayed her and couldn't understand how we could 'do this to her.' We ended up going to see her therapist with her to resolve this issue, but our relationship has never been the same." It was very likely that this supervisor's self-esteem was damaged when these two people decided to make a break. Perhaps she felt they'd personally abandoned her.

© September 2001, J. P. Tarcher, a division of Penguin Putnam, Inc, used by permission.

About the Author

Dr. Pat Heim is an internationally known speaker and consultant. Her Los Angeles firm, Heim & Associates, has been providing services in the areas of leadership, communication, team building, and gender differences to hundreds of organizations, including AT&T, the Los Angeles Times, General Motors, the American Medical Association, and Price Waterhouse. She has a Ph.D. in communication from the University of Colorado.

Susan Murphy, Ph.D., MBA, is the president of Energy Engineering, Inc. Heim and Murphy speak about workplace gender issues to more than 50,000 individuals each year.