Rethinking the Purpose of Marriag

Mindful Loving: 10 Practices for Creating Deeper Connections
by Henry Grayson, Ph.D.

In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Henry Grayson shares his breakthrough techniques for creating deeper and more lasting connections with our loved ones. Henry Grayson, a psychologist, relationship counselor, psychoanalyst, and former minister who has been working with couples and individuals to improve their relationships for over thirty years, has found that most people are actually more unhappy after marriage counseling or couples therapy. In Mindful Loving he sets aside the traditional methods of therapy to show you how to look at your relationships from a completely different perspective. By getting to the root of our relationship problems, which stem from our thoughts and beliefs and mistaken ideas about our own identities, Grayson creates a whole new framework - one where psychology, spirituality, and science meet in which to view intimacy.

Chapter 1

The Spiritual Relationship Versus the Ego-Based Relationship

True Love and Its Mysterious Ways

Marriage has served many different purposes throughout recorded history, ranging from procreation, companionship, convenience, status, need, and sometimes love. Yet, at the present time in America, I think we can all agree that our system of marriage has largely failed based on the simple fact that half of our marriages end in divorce and a significant percentage of those remaining together are not very happy many being quite miserable. This fact is an unfortunate but very true testament to something not working. And if something is not working, especially to such a large degree, it seems only logical that we should examine what we are doing wrong. Is it not true that to persist in doing something that has been proven not to work while expecting a different outcome is a form of insanity? How could so many of us behave so insanely when it comes to creating relationships and choosing mates for marriage?

And even more distressing for me as a psychotherapist devoted to helping couples solve their problems and find peace and happiness in their relationships is the fact that many couples who are having difficulty and who genuinely want help are more often than not dissatisfied with the marriage counseling or couples' therapy they receive. In fact, many ouples have reported that their marriages are much worse following their marriage counseling. How could that be so? What is not working in our marriages and what is not working in couples counseling?

Several studies actually show that only 30-35 percent of people in traditional marriage counseling find it helpful in the long run, in contrast to 70-85 percent of people who engage in individual therapy. Why the difference? In individual therapy, people go seeking help for themselves and are usually highly motivated to examine their own lives and psyches to identify the sources of their suffering with a desire to change and grow. On the other hand, those seeking marriage counseling most often see their partners as the cause of their unhappiness. They hope that the therapy or therapist will fix their partner, and make him or her into more of who they want them to be so they can be happy. And frequently, the marriage counselor will unwittingly collude in the process of getting one partner to agree to make changes for the other, which only adds to the person's sense of powerlessness to make a difference in himself or herself.

After many years working as a psychologist with men, women, and couples, I began to realize that a solution to a relationship problem that is based on getting the other person to change his or her behavior would only last a short time, and often add to the original problem. Why? Because asking or demanding one person in a couple to change usually means that the person demanding change is both shirking their part in the problems and blaming the other for their unhappiness. Again and again in my practice, I would observe how when one person would try to get the other to change, the asker was most often not seeing how he or she was contributing to the problem. And by shifting this responsibility from the self to the other person, they unwittingly reinforced an insidious cycle of blame that prevented true healing.

Sir Gawain and Ragnell: A True Love Story

I am very fond of the stories of King Arthur and his knights, and one of my favorites is about Sir Gawain, a knight of the Round Table. In his story, Sir Gawain agrees to marry Ragnell a grotesquely ugly woman in exchange for information that will spare King Arthur's life. Instead of any sense of celebration, his wedding day brought the town a great sense of mourning because King Arthur's handsome and gallant knight was being married to a monstrous hag.

On his wedding night, Sir Gawain waited in bed while Ragnell prepared herself for their first night together. When the door opened, Ragnell lay down beside him and said, "You have kept your promise and much more. You have never shown me pity nor revulsion. All I will ask of you is one kiss."

Gawain immediately leaned over and kissed her, closing his eyes. When he opened them, he discovered he was lying beside a beautiful woman. Startled, he leapt from bed and asked, "Who are you? And where is my wife? Is this some kind of sorcery?" "Gawain, I am your wife, Ragnell. It is time to tell you my story."

And so she began her tale about how her stepbrother, Sir Gromer, had hated her because of her beauty and because she did not fear him or follow his commands. In his jealousy and resentment, Gromer went to his mother an evil sorceress who turned Ragnell into one of the ugliest women ever.

Ragnell then paused and said to Gawain, "There is a second part of the curse I must share with you. Since you have treated me with love and not resentment or pity, I am allowed to give you a choice. I can be a beautiful woman by day, so that all may admire me and consider you a lucky man, but I would become once more the ugly Ragnell by night, when we lie with each other. Or else I could be the ugly Ragnell by day, only to once again become the beautiful woman you see before you at night. Which would you prefer?"

Without hesitation, Gawain answered her. "This should not be my choice but yours. You must choose for yourself. I will accept either decision as long as it is your will."

With his response the rest of the curse was lifted, and Ragnell could now be beautiful both day and night. Sir Gawain's love was not concerned with his personal needs; he saw beyond them and was concerned only with his partner's happiness and well-being. His desire to empower her is what healed each of them and brought them both real joy.

This story captures the essence of what I call Empowering Love, the ability to love unconditionally, which forms the basis of the spiritual marriage or relationship. But we often lose sight of this way of viewing love, and believe that love is not inside of us, but outside of us, separate. This is much like we think of God that flat-earth medieval sky God who is far removed from our lives here on Earth. When we think of love (or "God" as the word for pure love) as separate from us, we create a never-ceasing need to seek love outside of ourselves. This is indeed what we are all searching for we wish to know we are loved, approved of and yet we so often deny it, reject it, push love away which ironically keeps us in a state of seeking love. Is this not the main motivation for our relationships? A quest to find love, secure it, and thereby ensure our happiness? But how do we avoid the temptations of the ego and instead create a relationship based on unconditional, empowering love? Some of our problems begin when we "fall in love."

Copyright © 2003 by Henry Grayson, Published by Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., all rights reserved, reprinted with permission from the publisher.

About the Author

Dr. Henry Grayson is a pre-eminent psychologist and the author of three acclaimed professional works and the bestselling "Sounds True" audio teaching series called The New Physics of Love, on which Mindful Loving is based. He founded and directs The National Institute for Psychotherapies in New York City and is frequently invited to speak at churches, synagogues, hospitals, libraries, and professional conferences.