How to Be a Great Lover in Attitude, Part 2

The Great Lover Playbook
by Lou Paget

(Page 3 of 3)

11. The Legacy of Trusting.

Trusting your lover is a gift that you and only you can give to him or her. Trust creates an ongoing legacy within your relationship. So what does this legacy look like? In your bedroom, trust is the foundation that allows other parts of your love life to flourish and develop. This is the single most commonly cited trait that Great Lovers say makes their relationships and sexual heat continue. Simply said, they trust each other in and out of the bedroom. They trust themselves and they trust their relationships. This incredibly valuable and fragile gift is earned and treated gently and ongoingly by those couples with satisfying and thriving relationships. And these couples often say trusting is neck and neck with respecting their partner and relationship.

12. Relationship As Refuge.

Just as your bedroom is your sanctuary, your relationship is your refuge - from work commitments, family obligations, and life's responsibilities in general. Your relationship should be the anchor in the middle of your life, giving you support and a tether, while at the same time enough rope to grow, learn, and live. Couples who have established this feeling say it enables them to do so much more in their lives - in all areas of their lives. It goes without saying that the more relaxed and less frenetic you are in any situation, the more you can get done and the better you are at what you do. When your relationship is a haven, I have heard again and again partners describe this haven as full of support, a safety net, and as "contentedness." As one man from a couple's seminar said, "I like to come home and feel like the world is on the outside. Once I'm home, I always know she is on my team." Given all the stresses we place on ourselves, and let's be honest, we create much of this stress ourselves, couples who create this ambience when they are together enhance and inspire each other mentally and physically, inside and outside the boundaries of their relationship. And no matter how cold it may be outside, you always know that the emotional place you and your lover created inside when you came together is there, waiting for you to return to - for succor, a sense of peace, and, of course, sex.

13. Intellectual Freedom.

Some couples are immediately drawn to each other intellectually. At their first meeting, they fall into swift and deep discussions of favorite films, books, or philosophers. They move from discussions to outings and ultimately to the bedroom. Others of us aren't as apparently lucky, and it takes longer to establish such vital brain energy in the relationship. Which doesn't mean it's difficult - creating an intellectual connection can be as easy as choosing a movie to see, enjoying it together, and then talking about it afterward. And when you create an intellectual camaraderie with your partner, you are adding another dimension to your relationship. The camaraderie comes from exchanging ideas with each other; this mental stimulation not only keeps your brains awake, it also keeps them engaged with each other's brains. Haven't you ever wondered what he really thinks? Don't you wish she would have an opinion that surprised you? This kind of back and forth not only adds excitement to your relationship, it also keeps you on your toes: No one will say you've become as boring as an old pair of slippers. And how does this intellectual energy stimulate your sex life? Exactly as you might imagine: your intellect kick-starts your most powerful sexual organ, your brain, making your lover more interesting and exciting. Ergo, you have heightened the lust factor!

14. Cherish.

If you want to avoid the pitfall of focusing on the negative instead of the positive in your relationship, then you need to cherish the qualities you love in your partner. At first, this tip may seem kind of blasé, but hear me out: When we get used to our lover's presence in our lives, and begin to get comfortable, there's often a shift into the negative. We tend to focus more on the qualities of our lover that we don't necessarily like. Why? Because we get disconnected from that falling-in-love energy, where all we did was focus on the good in our partner. So here's my advice: Pay conscious attention to those qualities in your partner that you like, love, appreciate, respect, and admire. That, my dears, is the definition of "cherish."

15. Love vs. Lust.

When we first meet and fall in love, there is very little distinction between loving and lusting. We flow from lust to love effortlessly - all sexual encounters seemed infused with love and all moments of love (exchanges of loving energy) are touched by lust. But as our relationships mature, growing more solid roots, we tend to separate love and lust, making them distinct and hard to commingle. We do this unconsciously, but we do it all the same. And when this separation occurs, you needlessly add stress around love and lust. As Great Lovers, you need to know two things: 1) that like good wine, relationships must age to bear the fruit of abundant flavor. Such aging means resisting this tendency to separate love and lust; and 2) that all you need to know how to do is keep the flow between these two components open. Some nights, sex may be all about lust, with the two of you tearing off each other's clothes and making love on the kitchen island. Some mornings, you might look at each other across the pillows and smile, knowing the deep love between you. You come together without words, but in total love. Great Lovers know that it's the synergy between love and lust that sustains a relationship - sexually and emotionally. So try to become comfortable with the interplay between love and lust, and you will learn how to move seamlessly from the heat of lust into the passion of lovemaking - sometimes within the same embrace. Nowhere is it written that you must have the same ambience and attitude throughout an evening of lovemaking - that would be like asking you to maintain the same dance step all night.

16. Stand Up for Your Rights.

Take responsibility for your rights within the relationship. Now, this tip is not about flat-out entitlement; it's about a permission granted and understood by virtue of your commitment to each other. As such, these rights, like little plants, require tending and nurturing. What rights am I referring to? The right to ask where you were and where you are going. There is also the right of one partner to request the other partner to wear something more "suitable" in public. It's also the right of a partner to inquire about the other's work situation and offer his or her opinion. I am not suggesting that it is all right for one person to try to control the other person. Rather, I am stating that it is perfectly understandable and expected for you both to get involved in any aspect of each other's lives that impacts the relationship. These rights are often unspoken statements about how you show you care about the "us" of your relationship. Everyone wants to know they are safe even when not together. These rights, like respect and trust, are acquired and earned. One of the best examples I have to illustrate the power of this tip was a girlfriend who in the first month of dating a man received a call from him at 11 P.M. Her indignant response to me while we were on the phone at 11:30 P.M. was "It is entirely too early for him to be calling that late." I collapsed laughing and asked, "So when would it not be too early?" She was very clear about when the right to call late would be granted in a relationship with her. So as funny as such "rules" may be, they have a serious side, and it's about respecting personal boundaries. And Great Lovers pay close attention to such arbitrarily granted privileges.

17. Sowing Roots.

Be close and stay close in order to sow deep roots for the intimacy that leads to Great Sex. I'm talking about emotional territory here, and some of us are more fluent and comfortable with our emotions than others. But it's necessary for all of us to work at being close and staying close. This means continuing to ask how each other's day was, how you feel about X, Y, or Z. It's up to you to make sure you know how your partner feels about life in general, your relationship, and your life together. Inquire. Listen. Offer feedback. Care about how he or she is doing. Don't wait until an issue arises, a crisis breaks out, or an unbearable silence begins to prevail over the household. The ability and potential to always have Great Sex relies on many things, but one crucial factor is a couple's ability to be close and stay close.

18. Frequency Is Dynamic.

Like the daily ebb and flow of tides, there is a natural cycle of sexual frequency in most relationships. I know of some lovers who relish the change in how often they have sex because when they vary their frequency, they also vary the where and the how of sex. Such lovers are displaying a glass-half-full attitude about frequency variation. They are confident in their need to take a break, knowing that when they resume relating, they can either re-create what they were doing before or try something new and different.

19. A Calm Before the Storm.

Invariably we see relationships on television and in films depicted as being tumultuous and dramatic, with people dashing hither, thither, and yon. Great Lovers know a different truth about a relationship that combines reality with a slow, sexual simmer. Consider this: Can you describe how you knew you were in love? Many times I have asked long-term couples how they knew this was the "real thing." And almost without fail, they have stated that they experienced an immediate, calm knowingness that infused them, and the entire relationship. As one woman said, "There was no noise in my brain and there was a calm in my heart." This calmness speaks to the belief and truth in that feeling with an intangible certainty that defies description. When Great Lovers first meet, they invariably say there was "a stillness" in which "nothing but they existed." Thank goodness we listen to that tiny voice because we then get to reap the rewards of stillness: the sexual storm that follows.

20. Relish How Your Body Makes Your Lover Feel.

"To me from me" is how a Canadian woman describes the emotional synergy she creates for herself, knowing her body and actions make her lover so bananas. Truly, you are the only one who can bask in the postcoital glow of your lover. And only you can know the satisfaction of making your lover feel that good. So the next time you make love, linger in the afterglow and relish how your body made your lover wild with pleasure.

21. Are You Willing to Talk Dirty?

Did your eyebrows just arch? Anytime you let yourself try new things and experiment, you are exercising an open attitude toward sex. This tip is meant to encourage you to be willing to experiment with explicit language in public. Now, there is no need to do (or say) anything you're not comfortable with. Yet consider how you feel when you put on a new outfit? In the same way that something on the outside can evoke those "I'm hot" feelings, so too can something from the inside. Consider starting with some of these lab exercises:

• Privately deliver (i.e. whisper) explicit language in public where you can't act on your comment

• For the ladies in the audience, as you are completing your final touch of lipstick, consider rouging your nipples, or around your other lips if you like to trim that tender area, and then tell him you've done so once you are out the door.

22. Are You Open to Enhancers?

Couples who are open to enhancers invariably discover a whole new, fun side to their sexual relationship, filled with heightened sensations and new intensities. Many times people think enhancers are simply toys. They also assume that toys only come in one form and do only one thing: phalluses that vibrate. Indeed many are and do but even more of them aren't and don't. That bottle of almond oil nestled next to the balsamic vinegar can enhance the flow of hands over a body with as much ease as it can create taste sensations for your next salad. The real beauty of these products is that they enhance sensation and we have five senses we can target. Make a list of all five senses and then create the things you'd like to try. Is it aromatherapy? Do you want to see if using jasmine essential oil in your bath does prove aphrodisiacal for you? Perhaps patchouli is your partner's favorite. Will oysters enhance your sex drive or is chocolate more your preference? Which visual treat does it for you? Which style of visual - book, video, or live lap dance? In the auditory category, what music do you like to listen to when you dine at the dining room table? Would you play the same CD while you are on the dining room table? Using your five senses as your guide (and there is more information on that topic in the Playbook, Tips 203 - 211), begin to explore how you might use enhancers to increase your pleasure. In the Fantasy section, you will find a complete up-to-date listing of many toys from which to choose.

23. Great Lover Moment: Great Lovers Are Shrewd Consumers.

As I give you a tip on being open to sexual enhancers of all types, I also would be remiss if I did not caution you against the many untested, potentially harmful products out there. The importance of this tip was driven home recently when I received a call from a marketing representative asking me to add a new product to my line. When I asked her if any research had been done, she simply said, "It takes too long to research women." You can imagine my response. Here are some fairly recent products you should be aware of:

• ViaCream - a mentholated petroleum product that is applied topically and supposedly increases a woman's libido and sexual responsiveness. This was created using Viagra's research. The manufacturers infer that what works for men when they use Viagra also works for women, with no published research to support their product's claim.

• Enzyte - a product that supposedly increases penis size and makes him last longer.

• Her Turn - another product that promises to increase a woman's libido and enhance sexual responsiveness, but its Web site offers no further research data on the product itself.

• Avlimil - a sage supplement that supposedly "corrects" female sexual dysfunction, again no published research.

In general, you should always read labels very carefully and if you have any questions, call the company. Consider these steps:

• check to see if they have published their research results in reputable peer-review journals - if they have done proper double-blind placebo-controlled studies in which their results can be replicated

• do your homework and see if the marketers have taken a grain of truth from other studies and built a beach

• check to see who the test-audience was

Be aware that slick marketing companies want you to use their products so that you can make your sex life better. But Great Lovers know that if they do try a certain product, they don't try it again if they encounter no results, any irritation, or harm. Remember, it's your body, so be sure you know what is being used on it and in it.

24. Be Brave Enough to Share Your Innermost Fantasies.

As you will see later on, I offer an abundance of tips on how to add a component of fantasy, or explore one, into your sex life. But before you look at those rather explicit tips, you must be ready in spirit: Are you brave enough to share your innermost fantasy? The one that gets you hot when you lie in bed alone, but that you've been too shy about voicing to your lover? Those of you who have summoned the courage know the incredible freedom and exhilaration that comes from the sharing alone - never mind what comes from the sharing. No fantasy is that outrageous. No fantasy is that original. But the fear comes from not knowing how your partner may react or from imagining that she or he will be turned off. However, if you have two things in place, then you can access your courage quite directly: 1) You must have faith and trust in your partner. I'm assuming this trust is already in place; 2) You must have faith and trust in yourself that you can ask for this.

Copyright © 2005 Lou Paget

About the Author

AASECT certified sex educator Lou Paget is the author of four previous sex guides: How to Be a Great Lover, How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure, The Big O, and 365 Days of Sensational Sex. Her sold-out Sexuality Seminars are taught throughout the US, Canada, and Europe, and her advice appears frequently in the media. She lives in Los Angeles, California.